Reflections and looking ever forward
It is that time of year again when the blogosphere is full of resolutions. I prefer to look at goals for the new year rather that resolutions. To me a resolution feels more like a punishment for something that I have done wrong, rather than a target for something I want to do right.
At the end of last year, I celebrated the end of active treatment. On January 2nd, I walked 3.2 km – I’m actually really impressed at to how quickly I got back into walking. December 18-22 I needed help just getting out of bed, never mind making my way to the toilet. I read my previous posts – my optimism about my drains coming out – the support of an amazing loving husband – and my first cup of coffee! Man has 2015 been a much harder year than I ever anticipated. But alas, I had my successes – cycling up Mount Hamilton and walking 32.5 miles in two days.
So what are my goals for this year? I’m a little hesitant to state them. My first is to get back on skis. I’m going to be trying it out this week at Epic Experience. I so hope it works out. I really would love to ski again. I miss the smell of snow.
I also want to get back on my bike. As much as I enjoy hiking in the mountains, I also really enjoy going for long bike rides.
I don’t have any specific stretch goals planned. Perhaps my stretch goal would be to finish my PhD! I’m going back to school officially in January. I’m already teaching part time at two universities – which is about all I can handle while doing my PhD research.
When I get back from Colorado, I will start new hormone therapy. Crossing my fingers that it doesn’t have any negative side effects. I want to get as much as my health back as I can – but also I need to learn to accept that I won’t get it all back. I won’t be that person I was after riding my bike across Canada in 2008-9. In some ways I’m a stronger person, but in others I am so much weaker.
And with that note, I must get packing – my flight leaves in a few hours. I’m so excited and yet a little frightened about going to Colorado. I’m travelling on my own (not a huge deal really). I am mostly anxious about food – but I need to learn to let go of that. Perhaps that is my stretch goal for 2016 – to learn to let go of my need to control my every meal.
Celiac disease has just fed my compulsion to need to control my meals – it gives me an excuse to stress over it. However, I need to learn to let go a little. I need to learn to trust that I won’t starve (I always carry snacks to ensure that doesn’t happen). I need to learn to let it be OK to not know exactly what my next meal will be. Yup, as I write this it sounds more and more like this area of control is something that I need to let go of. So, perhaps that is my stretch goal for 2016 – to let go of some control/anxiety over my next meal.