Trying to figure out my thinking

I’m still trying to figure out how I feel. What does it mean to be going through this again? What does it mean about the rest of my life? About survival? I feel like I should be feeling something, but I’m not. I feel like I should be processing this information in one way or another but I’m not.

I remember the relief at learning that the cancer was not in my bones – meaning it had not spread beyond the lymph nodes. It was a relief that I didn’t realize how much stress I had been holding. I don’t feel like I’m holding that stress or panic right now. I am taking things day-by-day.

This hasn’t been a great chemo cycle, but I’m optimistic that the next cycle will go smoother. I will talk to the doctor about some of the issues, but I’ve already learned that taking twice as much Reactin should help with some of the side effects (would have been nice to know that sooner). Physically, I’m feeling a lot better now than I was. I am starting to get my energy back. I’m not sniffling nearly as much. I even did a full 20 minute boxing workout (VR boxing), which seemed to give me more energy. I finished the exercise session feeling so much better.

On Wednesdays, my puppy goes to daycare on Wednesdays, and I pick her up at the LCLC (our local recreation facility). Fortunately it is on the rail trail, so it makes for a nice walk to pick her up (about 2.5 km round trip). I walked there with a zip in my step, but less than half way back my energy just crashed. I had to walk a lot slower – but we did make it back. Fortunately, I wasn’t walking alone, which made it a much more pleasant walk. If this chemo fatigue gets worse next cycle, I’m not sure how much longer I’ll be walking to pick her up!

Another thing I’ve been trying to do is make sure we make some progress on some aspect of our new home each night. Today I did some painting, so that a vanity light could be installed in the main bathroom. Tomorrow, if it is warm enough, I hope to wash the outside of the windows and maybe install a doorknob or two.

One thing we did to give us something to look forward to is that we booked ourselves a vacation to Iceland in June. We learned that as of May 31, Iceland Air will have direct flights from Halifax. That means 4 hours of fly time, rather than 10 hours with a layover in Toronto. We booked ourselves flights and a rental van / RV for the time we are there. The vehicle is smaller than our van, but is good enough. It will allow us to camp (mostly staying in campgrounds), and travel around at a leisurely pace. I’m looking forward to it.

  • Becky

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