Last week I had my first post-chemo haircut. This time around, I have taken very few selfies. I really didn’t like how I looked as my hair was coming back. I also didn’t feel the same need to share pictures of me smiling. I didn’t have the same reasons for taking pictures.

I waited as long as I could stand, but the hair was getting crazy. It has some curl but is also very frizzy. It stuck out on the sides and was long in the back. I dislike the feel of hair on my neck. Fortunately, I was able to find a good hairdresser to create something out of the mess that was my hair. I think she did an excellent job given what she had to work with. It isn’t the hair that I want, but it is much better than it was. I’m OK to be seen in public with it.

Before

After

I don’t remember the date of my surgery, but I’m pretty sure it has passed. I need to look it up – Wednesday August 23. That day came and went this year without me even noticing. It wasn’t the traumatic event that surgery was the first time. I can now say that I’ve been cancer free for one year.

I’m still in treatment. I’m still taking herceptin. I have spaced out my treatments to every four weeks rather than three weeks. That seems to help reduce the side effects. They like to say that herceptin doesn’t have side effects, but that is compared to the stronger chemo meds that have crazy side effects. Herceptin makes me tired. I lag for a few days or even a week after taking it. Then I get back to normal and feel good until the next cycle. After today, only two more left.

I don’t know yet what will come next. I thought maybe there would be a scan, but the oncology nurse tells me that in the absence of symptoms there are no scans. I am reminded of the last time I went through this. I hear of people with other cancers doing some kind of regular scan to ensure the cancer hasn’t come back. With beast cancer, if you don’t have any breasts, scans only occur if you have symptoms.

Next week I’ll see my oncologist in person and we will talk about next steps. My hormone receptor levels were much lower than the first time I had cancer, so I don’t know if hormone therapy is going to be suggested. It was really hard for me the first time, so it isn’t something I’m looking forward to.

As I enter into this year of ‘now what’, I have the tools I didn’t have the first time. I’m taking an online course to refresh my cognitive based therapy (CBT) tools. These have kept me sane throughout this journey. I also have my mantra, that I repeat whenever I start to worry “In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”. I say it to myself regularly and it helps me stamp out unproductive and unnecessary worry. It lets me get on with my day and get out there and live. At this point in time, I am feeling strong and healthy.