I used to use writing as a way to help process my emotions. I’m finding that I’m writing more about the mechanics of what I’m going through but not tapping into the emotions. I started writing a story about my recurrence, and how I feel so different than I did when I went through my initial treatment. Then I realized that all I had written was the detailed timeline of what happened – there was no emotion in it. It was just, I did this, I waited, I got this result.

I had some emotions in the early days, but I didn’t blog about them. I didn’t want to start blogging about this cancer journey until we had some real information. Even then, I haven’t written much. I haven’t found a way to tap into my emotions – mostly I’m just living life numb, getting by one day at a time.

I think that feeling is about to change. Last night I had an anxiety dream. It is the first time since all this started that my anxiety meds didn’t keep it all under control. I don’t remember what the dream was about specifically, but I do remember waking up and saying to myself – that was an anxiety dream.

I think the anxiety is about not knowing the future. I’m close enough to the end of chemo (last one on December 27) that I want to now what is next in my treatment and when is it going to start. I know that I won’t be doing much in January as I’ll need to recover from the chemo and then get a root canal (what a way to celebrate getting over chemo!).

I think it is in part that when people hear that it is my last chemo (this doesn’t include the year of herceptin), they ask about what is next. And I don’t know. I don’t know how long radiation will be. Part of me is hoping that I won’t need radiation. I know that isn’t rational, but it is how I’m feeling. I’m also wondering about future screening – when treatment is done. I’m fully aware that I initially had cancer on both sides, and this recurrence was only on one side. What does that mean for my likelihood of recurrence on that side (likely nothing and if something was starting up, this chemo probably knocked it out). Given my lower ER status, will I still need to do hormone therapy? What about Zometa, is that still on the table? So many questions. I see my oncologist in mid-January, but I don’t think I can wait that long.

On another note, it doesn’t look like I’ll lose all my hair. It is weird. I have lost a lot of my hair, but some of the spikes from the last shave are actually growing. I can tell the old growth because of the colour. Any of the new hair coming in is more like clear baby fuzz. I do look enough like a cancer patient to have been asked if I was on chemo. I think it is the tiredness in my eyes (and lack of eyebrows) that is a sign.

Last cycle, today was my nadir – my low day. I did some tasks in the morning and then proceeded to crash. I’m going to see how much I can do before I need to crash today. Yesterday I had a nice hour long nap in the afternoon which kept me going for the rest of the day. With Christmas coming, I have a few more tasks I want to get done. I don’t want to go anywhere near grocery stores this weekend!