I wrote this before I got the results of my PET/CT scan, which was all clear. I’m publishing this now (June 2023) because I think sharing the thoughts is important.

I find that I need to write, and yet I’m not in a position to share this publicly – at least not yet.

Something is happening with my health. My body is struggling. My back is killing me a lot of the time. My liver is misbehaving – I can tell because it makes me queasy and I don’t have much of an appetite. I’m scared.

When we get back from vacation, I’ll have a PET/CT. I’ll know within a day or two the results. If there is anything suspicious, we’ll do a biopsy. If not, then we move onto another plan – but I feel it. I feel like the cancer has come back. I want to get to a point where I am feeling better – where I’m feeling stronger.

I’m also losing weight. This is a good thing. My doctors tell me that losing weight will help with the back pain – but really, will it? So there is the struggle – what does losing weight actually mean?

What will I do if I am dying? I know from my first diagnosis, that I cannot plan for it. Anything that I think I might think isn’t what I will really think. I won’t know what I really think until I have that information.

I’m teaching Tuesday and Wednesday nights, so I’m a little worried that the information will come in just before one my sync sessions – and then I’ll be a total wreck – and yet, I will need to create course material for week 2. I’ll need to work.

Will I tell Judith? Probably. I cannot honestly not tell her – and yet I don’t want her to panic. I want a prognosis. If I’m looking at 10 years, then I’m ok with that. I’ll do what I can to feel healthy. We will take a 3-month sabbatical.