Last night I allowed myself to go down an emotional spiral into an all out meltdown. I was already feeling a little sad and then took an MJ pill, and started reading the book Wild. The first several chapters of the book go through the authors feelings as she supports her mother’s sudden death from Lung Cancer (she died three months after diagnosis). The combination was NOT good given how I was already feeling sad.

I started feeling a little ‘out-of-body’ (that’d be the MJ), which made me feel like ‘this is not me’. I also started feeling really sad – mostly what was replaying in my mind was Scott watching me get sick and die – and I did not want that for him. The emotions were rather extreme. This is really the first time I had allowed myself to think about the option of myself as dieing.

I also found myself afraid. I don’t want to feel sick. I’m afraid about how the blood low will make me feel. I am still struggling with nausea – although I have good meds to keep that at bay. I was hoping to ween off of them, but that doesn’t seem to be working yet.

I am having trouble visualizing my next infusion. It will require remarkable strength to go in a second time. The first time I could go in with curiosity. I did not know how I would react. Next time, I’m going in knowing that I will have crummy days. I also go in with the knowledge that it is cumulative – so I will feel worse.

I also had trouble last night visualizing getting my head shaved. I have an appointment to do this on Thursday but suddenly the idea freaks me out. I have no real attachment to my hair – but suddenly I know that people know visually that I have cancer. I will ‘look’ the part.  I cannot see myself as I will look walking out of the salon. I realized that I need to decide what I’m going to wear on my head when I leave … I need to pick a scarf …

So last night, I wasn’t feeling all that strong. I was just feeling sad. I’m highly aware of the effects of depression on my mind – and for the first time I felt that depression. I don’t think I’ll be trying out the MJ anytime again soon (or at least not when I am already feeling sad) – as I don’t need anything that heightens depressing thoughts – I need to stay strong and positive.

Fortunately, I am feeling better this morning. I’m now feeling the low that I was afraid I would be feeling. I was a little dehydrated – didn’t drink enough yesterday – which I shall work harder on resolving today. The nurse in ER on Saturday recommended pedialyte power – which actually tastes better than gatorade (she found me some samples) – but it is expensive ($1 per package – and I could drink 2-3 per day) … so will try it out on especially bad days (and chemo days) and see if I can score myself free samples somewhere in the cancer center when I’m at Stanford.