BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Author: Becky

  • Surprisingly calm

    Surprisingly calm

    I am surprised at how calm I am – how I’m not totally stressed out or in panic mode. It is so different from the last time.

    I found out on Thursday that the swollen lymph node in my right axilla is cancer. We don’t know yet what type of cancer, we just know that it is malignant. I will have a consult with the local surgeon on Thursday to talk about the next steps. It will be a biopsy of some kind – just not sure if it will be a needle biopsy or a full excision (where they remove the offending lymph node).

    I was lucky to have the weekend at StanFest – a folk festival up in Canso, Nova Scotia. It meant that Scott and I were on our own, and I could think. I could also control the messages I was sending out – informing people that I felt needed to know or should know, without feeling like I had to talk to anybody about it. It meant I could send a text with some information and then let them process it before we talked about it (if we talked about it). That way, I didn’t need to deal with the awkwardness of telling people that I have cancer again! But also that I don’t know yet what kind of cancer or what I’m dealing with from a treatment perspective.

    My thoughts have been about what the results might show: (1) breast cancer, or (2) lymphoma. If it is breast cancer, then the next step would be to determine if it is anywhere else in my body. If it is limited to just my right axilla, then as I understand it, it is not considered stage 4. This would be considered “locally advanced” as it has spread from the breast but only to the first set of lymph nodes, which were not removed nine years ago when I had my first treatment.

    One of the challenges this presents me is that it is in my right arm. My right arm is where I have been getting all my injections and IVs since I had lymphedema in my left arm. I’m complicated.

    All that to say, what is surprising me is how calm I am about the whole thing. For the most part, I am sleeping through the night. I’m working hard during the day, with painting at Treehouse Village, exercise, and playing with my puppy. I know that there is very little point in doing any research yet, as I don’t know what I’m dealing with. I did ask a friend about treatments and what the current least sucky option is. I’m told that abemaciclib is something that is currently being used – and I validated that it is available in Canada.

    No matter what it is, it is going to suck. What is not going to suck is that we are living in a place where we have a lot of community support – unlike the last time when we were mostly alone. Here we have our Treehouse Family – some of whom are currently living in our house while we wait for their unit to be ready for them. It has been so nice to not be alone and have the support of other adults in the house – and the fun of a child too. My puppy and the one-year-old in the house are so cute together – and I’m so happy that they play well together. Being part of this community also means that my hubby also has support – something he didn’t have when I was initially diagnosed in California.

    Another thing that I’m grateful for is that I don’t have to have a Facetime call to tell my mother that I have cancer again. It was one of the hardest things I had to do the first time around. Since then, I’ve lost both of my parents. That is sad, but at least I don’t have to tell them that I’m sick because that just sucks.

    I’m thinking now about the things I want to be doing with my time. I have paid attention to that ever since my first diagnosis. This time, I ask myself, what am I doing right now that I want to be doing? What I don’t want to be doing? I enjoy painting and fixing drywall and being part of the construction team at Treehouse. That feels really rewarding; however, it is also taking too much of my time. I need to find time to get back to the beach. I would spend more time swimming in lakes and the ocean if I could. Unfortunately, the exceedingly heavy rains have made the local lakes unsafe for swimming, and the ocean isn’t always an option either (it depends on tides, but also on wind direction and recent weather, as the storms can make the water murky and not great to be in). The water is abnormally warm for this time of year – it feels like swimming in the tropics! It is rather concerning.

    For now, I’m calm and trying to be patient … better to spend the day enjoying myself and not being a cancer patient yet. That can wait until I know more. I’m not in a rush to take on that identity yet.

  • There are scares .. and then there are SCARES

    There are scares .. and then there are SCARES

    After you finish your primary cancer treatment, you often go through scares. You discover something or another, and it brings on the fear that the cancer has come back. I went through many of them over the first couple of years. I remember specifically writing about two of them: It’s just a stitch and Things I need to write.

    Now I’m going through another scare – but this one really feels like a SCARE.

    I had some abnormal blood tests for a few months, so my family doctor (who is awesome) sent me for a CT (chest and abdomen). It came back, with my liver and abdomen all clear, however, I have some enlarged (suspicious) lymph nodes in my right axilla (arm pit). Often when people are diagnosed with breast cancer, the cancer has spread to the lymph nodes in their axilla. When this happens, they do radiation therapy. I didn’t have any node involvement. My lymph nodes were all clear, so radiation wasn’t required or recommended.

    Today I had a biopsy. It was an ultrasound guided biopsy done by the same radiologist that read my CT scan. She had no trouble finding the lymph node(s) on the ultrasound. She even measured one at 2cm. She used the ultrasound to guide a couple of core biopsies (needle aspirations). She said she didn’t use the smallest needle but also didn’t use the biggest. She was pretty confident she got enough to get lab results.

    Now the waiting begins. It can take up to two weeks. She seem to indicate that she would push the lab to try to get the results sooner. This has me even more worried. The Canadian healthcare system generally doesn’t move that fast – except when it needs to. The speed is in part what is making me suspicious that this is something rather than nothing.

    My family doc promised that he would phone me immediately when he got the results. I thanked him for that. It is good that he understands that the no knowing is worse than knowing. The in between state is hard.

    I’m thinking about a blog post a wrote about thinking I would react one way, but with an actual diagnosis I reacted totally differently. I always remind myself of that when my brain starts spinning into planning mode. Well, if it is a recurrence would it be stage 3 or stage 4? What would the treatment be? What would I choose to do? How will I feel? All these questions and my mind starts to plan, and then I remember – I really will have no idea how I will feel if I get a diagnosis. I don’t know how I will react. I just have no idea so I should try to not worry about it.

    I’m reminded of my mantra “in the absence of a diagnosis, I’m healthy”. And so, for today I am healthy. I spent most of my day working onsite at Treehouse, fixing holes in drywall and pre-painting baseboards and other trim. I’ve been keeping myself very busy with painting onsite, and doing other Treehouse organization type stuff.

    I’m also thinking about a vacation we have planned. The news may come in before the vacation or it might come in during the vacation. Either way, it will colour the vacation.

    But for today, I say to myself yet again “in the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy” … today I’m healthy.

  • Navigating the healthcare system

    Navigating the healthcare system

    This post is a continuation on my discussion about Patient Health Literacy. The narrative that resulted from this study has been published on Amazon. See my Memoir page. The original source that I used for my study can be found at https://bcbecky.com.

    In reviewing the posts categorized as Navigating the healthcare system, I constructed the following themes: (1) learning processes, (2) taking control, (3) dealing with insurance, and (4) waiting. The theme learning processes applies to posts where I describe the different interactions I’m having with healthcare providers. The theme taking control applies to posts where I voice my need to empower myself or others by exerting some form of control over a situation. The theme dealing with insurance applies to posts where I write about issues insurance coverage of medication and treatments. The theme waiting applies to posts where I write about issues with waiting for various test results or treatments. I discuss each of these themes in more detail in the in the following sections.

    Learning Processes

    In the beginning I had no understanding of how the medical system worked with respect to cancer treatment. My understanding came only from what I saw on television and from an acquaintance that I sailed with 15 years ago who happened to be a medical oncologist. From that, I knew that there were different types of oncologist, but I did not understand that breast cancer treatment typically begins with surgery. Throughout the blog, I explore and share my interactions with the medical system, as I learn to negotiate it.

    In Canada, I likely would not have had much choice in where I received treatment. I also would not have thought that a I had any choice in surgeon or oncologist. I would go to who I was referred to. In the US, and specifically in the area where I live, there are multiple providers. In some ways insurance affects where you get treatment, but I had really good insurance that allowed me the option of choosing. After hearing the words ‘you have cancer’ I felt an immediate sense of lack of control. The ability to choose a healthcare provider, although stressful and a completely new process for me, was also a way to exert some control over the situation.

    As all the processes were new to me, I explained them in detail as they occurred. For example, in A long day (June 19, 2014), I explain the process of the appointment with the surgeon as well as the “whirs, honks, and other sounds” associated with my first experience with magnetic resonance imaging (MRI). I continue with the description of processes on my first day of chemotherapy, where I also include images that provide visual documentation of the process (First day of chemo, July 7, 2014). Further, in This too shall pass (July 16, 2014), I describe how:

    They don’t give you much other than anti-nausea meds for the first cycle, and they wait for you to call. The idea is that everyone experiences chemo differently, so they don’t know what you will need. They wait until they find out what you need then prescribe it. At this point, it is all about managing the symptoms. Unless the problem is life threatening (more life threatening than the cancer), the goal is to keep with the chemo regime on schedule through to the end.
    Images fromFirst day of chemo, July 7, 2014

    In addition to describing the medical process, I also described what I learned about the process of gathering information from my care team. In I had to give myself permission to nap (July 9, 2014), I outline what I learned about how nurses and physicians provide different levels of information:

    Nurses tend to provide advice on the extreme side of things. For example, absolutely no alcohol, no swimming, no biking. They tend to provide advice based upon the worst-case scenario, but also discount mental health. The need to exercise is important to my mental health. The oncologist is good – he explains the chemo cycle – and says it is OK to swim the first week, but as my white blood counts get low to stop swimming until the counts return.

    My analysis also shows that, in addition to describing the processes as I recalled them, I also wrote about my observations regarding medical education from the interpersonal perspective:

    What has been interesting is that this seems to be part of the learning process. Those who are most empathetic are the attending surgeons. The residents are still learning, so their interactions can feel a little mechanical – they are still trying to figure out the best ways to make connections with patients, but also the best ways to describe things. By the time they are fellows, you see a higher level of confidence in their ability to provide patient education – and you start to see information that is more customization to your specific case. The attending surgeons seem to be the best at tailoring their discussions to your specific situation.

    Finally, when I was hospitalized after surgery, I described my experience with hospital processes, specifically how a private room meant that my husband could stay the night with me, and the quality and process of getting food: “One thing that impressed me about the university hospital is that they use a room service model for food. The menu is quite good, and so far, the food has been good. The food is locally sourced where possible, and there are organic options” (An update from the hospital, November 20, 2014).

    Taking Control

    From the beginning I tried to take control by booking appointments for a second opinion from the university healthcare system. Here I was immediately frustrated at an inability to get an appointment without a confirmed pathology. Fortunately, they did guarantee me an appointment when the pathology results were confirmed (The speed of things, June 15, 2014). After getting an appointment, the act itself of seeking a second opinion and making a choice as to where to get healthcare were ways that I could take control (Double-mastectomy and chemo, June 19, 2014).

    When I began to experience some odd side effects, specifically blisters on my hands, that were not resolving, we made the decision to go to the emergency room. This was in part so that we could experience the process of the emergency room at a time when we were not overly stressed – that is, “while I was happily ambulatory and not ‘really sick’, just in case I needed the services at a later time” (Not without incident, July 13, 2014). Further, in Engaged patient in a hospital gown? (September 27, 2014), I describe the process of a typical doctors’ appointment – and how I take as much control as I can during those appointments, in this case by wearing a hoody over the hospital gown.

    Dealing with Insurance

    The role of insurance in the treatment for breast cancer both surprised and outraged me. I was surprised when one of the first things the surgeon told me, after telling me he recommended a double mastectomy, was the ‘good news’ that insurance was required to pay for reconstruction (How do you prepare to lose a body part?, June 15, 2014). I was surprised when the oncologist mentioned that “it also takes about a week to get approvals from the insurance company” (Caution – this one talks a bit about death, June 21, 2014) before I could start chemotherapy.

    We ran into issues with insurance and treatment after my first day of chemotherapy, which required the white blood cell booster Neulasta to be administered the following day. Insurance changed the way in which it was to be delivered (Pains with the American System, July 7, 2014). Finally, with a slightly more nuanced understanding of the way insurance impacts healthcare in the United States, I write a response to a New York Times article expressing my concern “that research stated like this gives insurance companies a reason not to pay for the surgery, when it may be in the best interest of the individual” (Bilateral mastectomies, July 28, 2014).

    Waiting

    Waiting was something that I ran into from the very beginning. First it was waiting for the pathology results, as I could not make an appointment at the university cancer center without confirmed pathology (The speed of things, June 16, 2013). When we were deciding on where to get treatment, we knew that we would be spending more time waiting at the university cancer center. We took waiting into consideration when making our decision, specifically I write:

    In the first couple weeks after diagnosis, I had decided where I was going to get treatment. I based this, in part, on where I felt comfortable – but also who provided me with the most options. I really liked being in a teaching setting and having access to more specialists – but that was balanced with knowing that I would spend more time in waiting rooms and receive less fancy care (e.g. the infusion treatment center doesn’t provide lunch).

    As I went through treatment, there were many occasions where I describe what I felt to be excessive wait times. For example, “It turned into a long day. We had a delay seeing the nurse practitioner to get sign off on chemo – unfortunately that turned into a three-hour delay. Then we had a delay on the saline drip for rehydration, which added another additional hour” (AC Cycle 4, August 19, 2014).

    As we became more familiar with processes, we became more efficient with our time, developing strategies to reduce the amount of time we spent waiting. When I became more confident in myself as a patient advocate, I learned to identify problems in the system and articulate them to management in hopes of resolving the issue. For example, in Learning to assert myself, (October 29, 2014), I write:

    Today, I asked for a supervisor.
    You see, I had an appointment. The online system showed my appointment as 9:15. I was told to arrive 30-minutes prior to my appointment (which is a bit excessive). I arrived 25-minute prior to my appointment (8:50). When I was still waiting at 9:30, I went to talk to the receptionist. Anytime I’m asked to wait more than 15-minutes, I want to know why I’m waiting (that is a lesson I have learned here – in Canada I would just wait in silence – it is interesting how asking goes against my ingrained behaviour). I found out that my actual appointment was at 9:45. The online system had already added 30-minutes, and the person who made the appointment for me added another 30-minutes. This is in part why patients spend excessive amounts of time waiting.

    Summary

    Nursing research shows that supporting breast cancer patients with navigating the healthcare system can improve many aspects of the care that patients receive (Robinson-White, Conroy, Slavish, & Rosenzweig, 2010). My analysis of the category Navigating the healthcare system shows that I had regular interactions with the healthcare system, and there were spikes in my interactions associated with receiving pathology results, starting chemotherapy, exploring surgery options, and surgery itself. Under the category Navigating the healthcare system, I constructed the following four themes: (1) learning processes, (2) taking control, (3) dealing with insurance, and (4) waiting. As I learned the processes associated with receiving cancer care, I wrote about them. When I was able to, I sought ways that I could take control over my interactions with the healthcare system. Unfortunately, there were two areas of challenge with my experience with the healthcare system, dealing with insurance and what felt like unnecessary waiting.

    Each person experiences breast cancer differently. This difference is in part related to the variable nature of the disease, but also the different healthcare systems where the patient is seeking treatment. The nursing profession has attempted to address this complexity with the creation of formal nurse navigators that help guide cancer patients through the healthcare system (Case, 2011). Unfortunately, not all healthcare systems have nurse navigators. In addition, the nurse navigators are often not fellow breast cancer survivors. This means that they cannot fully appreciate what it means to live with the illnesses associated with breast cancer and its treatments. The nurses are also insiders within the system, with knowledge and privileges that patients do not have. This can lead to a gap in what information the patient needs. Patients experiencing critical or chronic illness have a need to learn how to navigate the healthcare system from a patient perspective.

  • Learning about the disease

    Learning about the disease

    This post is a continuation on my discussion about Patient Health Literacy. The narrative that resulted from this study has been published on Amazon. See my Memoir page. The original source that I used for my study can be found at https://bcbecky.com.

    From among the 237 blog posts, I coded 92/237 (38.8%) with the category, Learning about the disease. The distribution of number of days per week that I wrote one or more posts that were coded as Learning about the disease, Figure 4, shows interactions almost every week. This is particularly interesting because it shows that the learning did not just happen at diagnosis, rather I continued to learn and share my learnings throughout the study period.

    Number of days per week that a post was written that has been categorized as Learning about the disease.

    In reviewing the posts categorized as Learning about the disease, I constructed the following themes: (1) sourcing experts, (2) sourcing the Internet, (3) sourcing academic articles, and (4) sourcing peers. The theme sourcing experts applies to posts where I echo the information I receive from healthcare providers. The theme sourcing the Internet applies to posts where I include information from trusted Internet sources. The theme sourcing academic articles applies to posts where I include references to academic literature. The theme sourcing peers applies to posts where I describe information that I have gathered from peers such as through support group meetings. Peer sources includes blog posts of other cancer survivors. I discussion each of these themes in more detail in the in the following sections.

    Sourcing experts

    When I was initially diagnosed, I knew very little about breast cancer. In my early posts I would parrot back of the words I heard from my healthcare providers. For example, in It all started (June 14, 2014) I say, “I’ve been told that the majority of women who get breast cancer do not have relatives with cancer”. As I gather more specific information, I include my interpretation and feelings associated with the information I’m receiving. For example, in Double-Mastectomy and chemo (June 19, 2014), I write not just about the disease characteristics, but also what those characteristics mean and how that translates into a treatment plan. At this point, I am echoing the information the I received from an oncologist. I’m not referencing any other source. More importantly, in this post I’m not just talking about the data itself (that is the pathology), I’m also talking about what that data means and how that information affects the recommended treatment options.

    Sourcing the Internet

    Within support groups, I often heard the women say to someone who is newly diagnosed ‘do not look at the Internet’. And yet, it was the Internet that I went to when I needed to look up medical terminology. When interpreting my pathology report, I tell readers of my blog that if they want more information on how to understand pathology reports, to look at http://breastcander.org. I refer to this site several times within the blog, as it provided useful information regarding breast cancer and treatment options.

    When I wanted a description of medical terms, or when I wanted to validate something that I heard from either support groups or healthcare providers, I went to trusted sites on the Internet. In Significance of dates and getting ready for chemo (June 26, 2014), I write about my reflections on the chemotherapy preparation class that my husband and I attended. I share a couple of resources: a book that I found to be not very useful; and, a website, http://chemocare.com, that was very useful. I find it particularly interesting that advice is often given to ‘not look at the internet’, and yet the better and more current resources shared are those found on websites rather than books, which quickly become outdated.

    Sourcing academic articles

    Initially, I was unable to read academic sources, rather, I relied on my husband to do that research. However, when I had to make a decision regarding surgery, I reached into the academic literature to do an analysis on what the surgery and the expected results of neoadjuvant chemotherapy. For example, in Breast reconstruction – academic analysis (September 22, 2014), I write about the knowledge I gained through reading academic articles relating to the type of breast reconstruction surgery I was debating. In addition to sharing some of the key findings from the academic articles, I also shared terminology definitions such as “Autologous reconstruction is reconstruction that involves the patient’s own tissue (e.g. DIEP flap, TRAM flap).” In Pathological Complete Response (September 23, 2014), I write about the knowledge I gained, and my interpretation of academic articles associated with the expected outcomes of neo-adjuvant chemotherapy. I not only provide key findings, but I provide my commentary on the findings. I’m sharing both the findings from the articles and my interpretation of that information and how it applies to my situation.

    Sourcing peers

    In addition to healthcare providers, friends connected me to a fellow breast cancer survivor. I see echoes of conversations I had with here in my blog, for example when I say “choose who you want to trust, and then trust them” (A long day, June 19, 2014). By the time I was to start treatment, I was familiar with some of the expectations around treatment. For example, in This too shall pass (July 16, 2014), I say that “during support group last Saturday, one of the ladies explained what the Neulasta bone point felt like. I had been warned.”


    Perhaps the biggest benefit from support groups was the normalization of medical terminology and the generic breast cancer treatment process. Specifically, in A photo shoot and getting ready for surgery (November 18, 2014), I write about the process of the surgery. I specifically talk about the “injection of some nuclear isotope into each breast that helps to identify the sentinel node, and the insertion of wires to guide the surgeon to the exact location of each of the tumors”. By the time I wrote about the procedure, the concepts had been ‘normalized’ for me. I had heard about it so many times at support group that I came to think of the process as ‘normal’. It was just something that I needed to do. Further, in Breast reconstruction – Academic analysis (September 22, 2014), I point to another blogger’s post before I refer to the academic literature: “First off, I should start by pointing out an important blog post written by Nancy Stordahl on why breast reconstruction is not a boob job (2013). When looking at patient satisfaction, I focused on post-cancer reconstruction which is a lot more complex than cosmetic reconstruction.”

    I don’t share a lot of the medical information that I received in support group. In part because I often validated this information with my healthcare provider and then reported it in my blog as being from my healthcare provider. In Flyin’ (November 26, 2014), I write about information that I learned from various support groups pertaining to lymphedema, and then how I looked into the academic research about it, sharing some key points from the research. Here I am showing how the information I received through support group helps me know what to look up, but also how I do not directly trust the information in support group, rather I look to more trustworthy sources.

    Summary

    In order for patients to be partners with their healthcare team in making appropriate decisions, patients need disease-specific information (Wallberg et al., 2000). When I was diagnosed, I knew almost nothing about breast cancer. I needed to use multiple sources in order to learn about the disease. My analysis of the category Learning about the disease shows that I continued to learn about the disease throughout the treatment process. Under the category of Learning about the disease, I constructed the following four themes (1) sourcing experts, (2) sourcing the Internet, (3) sourcing academic articles, and (4) sourcing peers. Within these information sources, I did not only share the information directly, I also shared the way in which I was interpreting the information. In addition, as time progressed, I increased where I received my information, using multiple sources to validate what I was learning.

    I began my learning about breast cancer through information I received directly from expert sources, that is my healthcare providers. When I needed clarification on terminology or more detailed medical information, I sought out trusted Internet sources. When I was ready to read academic literature, I searched the literature for information that would help me make treatment decisions. The different information and advice sources sometimes overlapped, where at other times they didn’t. I had to learn how to discern not only where I could get information, but also what types of information I could get from where, and how reliable that information was. There were so many nuances to information that I didn’t always appreciate at the time, and some that I still don’t appreciate. Throughout the process I negotiated the information that I received from expert sources, Internet sources, and academic sources. Although I gathered information from peer sources, I did not directly trust that information, rather I used trusted sources to validate what I had learned through peer sources. Patients experiencing critical or chronic illness have a need to learn appropriate sources for different types of information to help them learn about the disease and what it means to live with the disease.

    Where do you find your health information? What sources do you find reliable? Where do you learn about how to live with the disease?

  • Developing Coping Mechanisms

    Developing Coping Mechanisms

    This post is a continuation on my discussion about Patient Health Literacy. The narrative that resulted from this study has been published on Amazon. See my Memoir page. The original source that I used for my study can be found at https://bcbecky.com.

    From among the 237 blog posts, I coded 163 (68.8%) with the category, Developing coping mechanisms. The distribution of the number of days per week that I wrote one or more posts that were coded as Developing coping mechanisms, Figure 2, shows that from the very beginning and throughout treatment I blogged about coping mechanisms. There are dips that align with the weeks where I wrote fewer posts overall and can be attributed to times where I was travelling or having surgery.

    Figure 2: Number of days per week that a post was written that has been categorized as Developing coping mechanisms.

    In reviewing the posts categorized as Developing coping mechanisms, I constructed the following themes: (1) blogging, (2) exercising, (3) social networking, and (4) seeking control. The theme blogging applies to posts where I write about or reflect upon the act of blogging. The theme exercising applies to posts where I write about exercising including hiking and being in nature. The theme social networking applies to posts where I write about connections with others that provide me support. The theme seeking control applies to posts where I am writing about ways that I try to find aspects of disease experience where I can create a sense of control. I discuss these themes in more details in the following sections.

    Blogging

    In the beginning, I highlight that I began blogging as a way to share my thoughts, as I was a blogger before diagnosis, I found myself wanting to write and share my experiences as a way to process what was happening to me, specifically I say “I shall look at this blog as a journal into lived experience, combining medical jargon with lived-experience of someone with breast cancer” (It all started …, June 14, 2014). A few days after diagnosis, I discovered another benefit to blogging, specifically that I didn’t have to keep telling people what was going on. I wrote “Mostly I’m pointing people to my blog, just so I don’t have to keep saying it. There is an emotional toll that occurs on both sides. Some people want to reach out and talk, but I’m not there yet. I cannot talk about it.” (A tough day, June 17, 2014). Later, I write about my intention to use my blog as a way to exercise my brain when I was worried about the effects of chemotherapy on my cognitive function. I wrote: “I shall keep up my ‘exercise’ and try to write regularly. I can only hope that my words continue to make sense and continue to demonstrate some level of cognitive competence” (Reflection on chemo brain, September 15, 2014).

    I talk explicitly about the blogging process at the beginning of the treatment process, but then stop writing about the blogging process as treatment progressed. This suggests that my reflections on blogging itself became normalized as treatment progressed, that is, that I no longer felt it necessary to reflect on how blogging was affecting me. 

    Exercising

    From the beginning, I recognized exercise as a priority, noting that I wanted to get as strong as possible before treatment began. Specifically, I say:

    My number one priority pre-surgery is biking. That is, back when I thought I might have cancer (after my family doc appointment) the one thing I decided was that I would train so that I was in the best physical shape possible before surgery/chemo. I want to make sure I’m going into this as strong as possible. For me this means allocating 2-3 hour a day (or more) for biking.
    (Priorities, June 18, 2014).
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    As time progressed, I added hiking to my repertoire of exercise. I especially found exercising in nature as a way to feel both physically and mentally better. I highlight the effect of hiking in a grove of ancient redwood trees:

    I find peace in nature, so today we spent some time communing with nature. We went for a walk in the Redwoods up at Big Basin Redwoods State park. We walked for 9km, that’s a record for me. Big Basin Redwoods is perhaps one of my favourite places. The trees are literally 1000s of years old. There is a peace when you are walking and touching these ancient trees – some with battle scars from fires long past. They are survivors.
    (Why me? … it is what it is, June 23, 2014)
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    Unfortunately, the side effects of chemotherapy caught up to me as I had mouth sores that made it impossible for me to effectively hydrate, which in turn curtailed my ability to exercise (Not talking = not blogging, August 30, 2014). After surgery, I returned to regular exercise as a way to recover:

    Recovery is still a long road. My hematocrit tanked again (lower than ever). I find myself easily out of breath while walking or climbing a single flight of stairs. My incisions are healing well. I still have a couple of drains which I’ll probably have until next Monday as they are still producing a fair amount of fluid. For the next week, we shall take one step at a time, trying to increase my walking distance and awaiting the day when I can get back on the bike.
    (The end of active treatment, December 29, 2014).
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    Further, post-surgery I was thankful for all the time I spent exercising during chemotherapy, because “when I took my first steps, my legs were strong. It made a huge difference to how quickly I was able to move, and how quickly I’ve been able to walk.” (A small cup of coffee, January 2, 2014).

    Social Networking

    Initially, I was very hesitant about joining any breast cancer communities. It was my husband who pushed me to attend my first support group meeting, only a few days after my diagnosis. In Support group (June 22, 2014), I express how attending the support group helped me learn to talk about my cancer. I had to say it out loud. It also gave me a space to talk about breast cancer with others who understood what I was going through.

    Further, in Joining the cancer blogsphere (July 6, 2014), I expressed my hesitation in joining the breast cancer blogosphere:

    I have strong online relationships. I am part of several online communities where I find strength and much needed support. But, to join a cancer community means to admit that I have cancer – but there is more to it than that – it is the fear of joining a community and then losing people in that community. I’m OK with admitting I have cancer, but I’m not OK with admitting that it is something that might one day kill me. I’m afraid that if I develop solid friendships with others who have cancer, that I’ll lose them. I don’t want to have to deal with the death of a good friend – and so, I hesitate. I hesitate to reach out too much to others who are also going through this experience – not because I don’t want to meet these people or get to know them – just that I don’t want to get to know them and then lose them.
    (Joining the cancer blogsphere, July 6, 2014)
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    Despite my hesitance to reach out to new support communities, my posts show that I did reach out to my pre-existing social networks for support. For example, when I found that I needed support to overcome inertia and side effects in order to exercise, I called on friends to help keep me accountable and help me get off the couch using a personal Facebook exercise support group (Significance of dates and getting ready for chemo, June 26, 2014).

    Further, the importance of social networking as a coping mechanism was suggested when I blogged about the role of social media in my process of gathering information about breast cancer and treatment options. In Social media and patient engagement (October 29, 2014), I outline what type of information I gathered from social media:

    I have been reflecting on social media and the type of information I get from social media. I use social media to get a sense of the ‘lived experience’ of a given treatment. When I reach out and ask, I receive experiences from others as well as a boat load of advice. This information is often very useful in helping me better gauge what to expect, but also in helping me ask questions of my healthcare team.
    (Social media and patient engagement, October 29, 2014)
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    In addition to using my social network for outside support, my blog also highlighted the importance of having a caregiver to provide support when I was not able to make decisions for myself. The impacts of cancer and chemotherapy on my mental capacity meant that I could no longer troubleshoot when unexpected events occurred. My husband, Scott, was my rock and was there to ensure continuity of care. After my first surgery, where he could stay the night in my hospital room which “turned out to be very useful, as several times I benefitted from having a patient advocate (things like helping when I needed to use the toilet). It also meant that he was here for most of the doctor and nurse visits.” (An update from the hospital, November 20, 2014). Further, caregiver support was highlighted when I blogged about the challenges of returning home after my second surgery:

    When we got home one of the biggest challenges was figuring out all the medications and a schedule that allows us to create an efficient process. I can now better appreciate why it felt like the nurses were giving me various pills on an almost hourly basis. Someone asked how many? I’m at 17 different meds, with 11 different dose times. The goal in setting up a schedule was to optimize pain medications and reduce the number of times in the day I’m taking drugs, while still respecting various drug interactions. This isn’t something that is easily done by the pharmacy, as the pharmacy doesn’t deal with all the over-the-counter meds that are also prescribed (e.g. I’m prescribed certain vitamins which aren’t provided by the pharmacy).
    (Getting organized at home, December 23, 2014)
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    Seeking Control

    Initially one of the ways I exhibited the theme seeking control was through intentionally finding ways to have fun. This became an explicit activity. I knew that if I didn’t find ways to have fun then treatment would be very difficult: “One of the things that causes that natural high for me is sailing. So, we are looking for ways to go sailing regularly. However, sailing can be very physically demanding, which will likely be a challenge. This Saturday, we are headed up to the city to go sailing on a 2003 America’s Cup boat.” (Priorities, June 18, 2014).

    In addition to intentional fun, I also had to explicitly give myself permission to do things. Initially, it was giving myself permission to nap (I had to give myself permission to nap, July 9, 2014). As the idea of surgery approached “I have given myself permission to go into surgery kicking and screaming. I’m OK with not being calm and collected when I get rolled into surgery. It is natural to not want to deal with it.” (I’m scared, September 17, 2014).

    After I began chemotherapy treatment, one of the ways I attempted to regain a sense of control was to shave my head prior to losing all my hair. I explain this decision:

    If you haven’t done a chemo that causes hair loss you may not understand this idea of proactively shaving your head. There are a couple of reasons for it. The practical reason is that hair falling out in clumps is a pain. The second, more important one, is an exercise in control. If I’m going to lose my hair, then I am going to control when it happens. Control is a huge issue with cancer, as it is one of the things you lose. You lose a lot of control over how your body is growing, how it reacts, and the various schedules of appointments. When you have an opportunity to take control and do something on your own terms, it can be important for some people to take control.
    (In for an emotional day, July 17, 2014)
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    Further, to help plan for chemotherapy side effects, I created a chart of my symptoms, see Image 1, which I used to help predict when I was going to experience the different side effects in future chemotherapy cycles. I also used the chart to determine which steps I should take to proactively reduce the impact of the side effects (Mouth sores & first cycle symptoms, July 20, 2014).

    Image 1: Chart indicating the timeline of anticipated chemotherapy side effects.

    Perhaps one of the more pragmatic attempts at seeking control was through planning. Unfortunately, the unpredictable nature of chemotherapy treatment meant that some of the plans I had originally made, specifically my original plans for a trip to Hawaii, would no longer work. Additional planning was required regarding the new treatment schedule:

    I’m actually of quite mixed emotions. This plan works for me – it lets me still get in a trip to Hawaii before the first surgery, and a trip to visit my parents before the second surgery. We ran through the schedules last night, and it even looks like my friends from Nova Scotia can still join us in Hawaii (yay). The extra chemo gets me that much closer to finishing the protocol (which calls for 12 sessions of Taxol – in the end I’ll have 9 sessions). Part of me doesn’t want the extra two chemo sessions – I’d just like to stop chemo and go on with the surgery, but another part says – what if those extra two are the difference between beating this thing and not? Will those two extra sessions be extra insurance against recurrence? Metastasis? Of course, we don’t know. We have no way of knowing whether or not a couple more sessions of chemo will make any difference what so ever. But to align with the surgery schedules, it is best that I am in chemo right up until three weeks before surgery. And then I get four weeks between the first surgery and the second surgery. I’m happy for a little extra time to ensure that I’ve healed.”
    (Temper tantrums, October 15, 2014)
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    Finally, the post-surgery posts in seeking control relate to advocating for myself during interactions with the healthcare system. Specifically, I wrote about negotiating with a resident regarding a surgical side effect, and my unwillingness (non-compliance) to take her recommendation:

    Sensing my non-compliance, she asked if I was okay with the plan. I said “no, how about we watch and wait? — because I am passing some urine, I’m not completely blocked — it is just taking time and not flowing properly”. I don’t completely trust the resident’s opinion. I want to hear it from someone with more experience.  
    (Ya no!, November 23, 2014)
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    Summary

    One of the important aspects of health-related self-efficacy around cancer care is the need for the patient to develop coping mechanism (Papadakos, 2017). In my theme analysis of the category Developing coping mechanisms, I show that I continually developed coping mechanisms throughout treatment. Under the category of Developing coping mechanisms, I constructed four themes (1) blogging, (2) exercise, (3) social networking, and (4) seeking control. Blogging was initially a way in which to help me process and share my treatment decisions. Later, blogging became a way of exercising my mind, where physical exercise provided a way for me to feel physically and mentally better. Throughout the study period, I found support in both face-to-face and online social networks. The theme social networks also included support that I received from my husband and primary caregiver. Finally, I blogged about the ways in which I sought control, including intentionally planning fun activities and travel. Control seeking was also expressed through self-advocacy.

    My analysis of the category Developing coping mechanisms showed that I continually developed coping mechanisms throughout treatments. Although each individual chooses to cope in different ways (Al-Azri, Al-Awisi, & Al-Moundhri, 2009), blogs such as mine provide a great resource for discovering what coping mechanisms might be useful. A practice that I developed through my experience was to develop coping mechanisms such as blogging, social networking, exercising, and seeking control. Patients experiencing critical or chronic illness have a need to develop coping mechanisms in order to learn how to live with illness.

    References

    Al‐Azri, M., Al‐Awisi, H., & Al‐Moundhri, M. (2009). Coping with a diagnosis of breast cancer‐literature review and implications for developing countries. The breast journal15(6), 615-622.

    Papadakos, J. K. (2017). The Association of Health Literacy and Self-Efficacy to Cancer Chemotherapy Self-Management Behaviours and Health Service Utilization. Doctor of Philosophy.

    Are you a patient? Do these coping mechanisms align with your experience? What other types of coping mechanisms did you develop?

  • Patient Health Literacy Themes and BC Becky Book

    Patient Health Literacy Themes and BC Becky Book

    I had originally planned on waiting until December 17 to release my book – that would be the 8th anniversary of the surgery to remove the last of the known cancer from my body. However, when I had the paperback ready, Amazon did not let me publish it on a future date. That meant that the paperback version was ready but the eBook was being held back. And so, I have now released the eBook, Kindle unlimited, and Paperback versions of “Never Knew I Wanted to be a Breast Cancer Survivor”. I’ve ordered some author copies for myself, but they have not arrived yet – however, I have heard from friends that their copies have arrived.

    I hope you enjoy the book.

    When I was working on it, I was working on a PhD. That involved analyzing the blog posts for key themes. The themes helped me choose which of the blog posts made their way into the book. The themes I identified are:

    • Developing coping mechanisms
    • Navigating the healthcare system
    • Learning about the disease
    • Understanding side effects
    • Advocating
    • Exploring body image
    • Making decisions
    • Negotiating identity

    I came to the conclusion that these themes aligned with patient health literacies that I developed throughout my treatment experience.

    Patient Health Literacies – (c) 2020 Rebecca J. Hogue

    If you are reading the book, can you see these themes? Do you see any other themes in the book?

  • Never knew I wanted to be a breast cancer survivor

    Never knew I wanted to be a breast cancer survivor

    It is hard to believe, but true – The eBook version of first book is now available for pre-order on Amazon. The print version is coming soon – I’m just waiting on a proof before I release it. It has been quite the journey getting this far.

    The book started out as this blog.

    It was then an important chapter in my dissertation, but never got published because I walked away from the PhD.

    Now it is an eBook and will soon also have a print version. This is what I’ve really wanted all along. The PhD helped me to analyze the original posts for themes, and pull out the important stories from the blog, but it was the sharing of the story that is what I really wanted to do.

    The book tells my story from diagnosis until active treatment. My next project (and hopefully book) will be the first year after treatment. That time was in many ways so much harder for me than the year of treatment. It took a lot for me to figure out how to cope with the anxiety.

    What the book doesn’t include are the analyses that I did around the blog and the information I gleaned from the process. I will start to blog about these insights – because I think it is valuable information – and I also think is a good quick way to get it out. I guess I could create a companion guide for health educators that includes the insights from the dissertation. That is an interesting idea. I’m not sure how much demand there would be for it!

    I chose December 17 as the release date for the eBook – but I might change that. December 17 is my “cancerversary” – in that it is the day that I choose to acknowledge my experience and recognize it as the day the last known cancer was removed from my body. However, the print version of the book will likely be available for order sooner.

    I never thought I’d want to be a breast cancer survivor brings you into Becky’s world as a young breast cancer survivor. Written initially as a blog, Becky shares her experiences with treatment starting the day after she first heard the words “you have breast cancer”. Throughout her treatment, she explains her thought processes as she grapples with life altering treatment decisions: which chemotherapy regime? to reconstruct or not reconstruct?

    Humorous at times, serious at times, this memoire will have you laughing and crying as Becky shares her feelings but also what she is learning as she discovers what it means to be a breast cancer survivor.

  • Who’s value is it anyways?

    Who’s value is it anyways?

    I realized that I haven’t been blogging, but I’m feeling like I need to start doing it again. I need to start sharing more about what I’m doing with Treehouse Village and how I’m coping living in a small town in Nova Scotia. I feel like I’m a completely different person than the person who started this blog.

    The topic of this post is related to a decision that I made recently. I’ve been participating in this thing here they call “multisport” – the idea is that for 6 weeks, you get to experience a new sport each week. Each time, it is a two hour introduction to a sport. It is just enough to understand it and get a sense for what it is all about. The sports are sponsored by local clubs, so not only do you learn a new sport, you also learn how you can get involved if you want to. It is really about helping people get out and get active.

    Last week the sport was pickleball. I had only recently heard of it, but it is a big thing around here. I had no idea what it was – just that it was some kind of raquette sport somewhat related to tennis, badminton, and table tennis. I really enjoyed it, to the point where I went out and found at least one place I could go an play it. If I decide I want to, I can go to beginners drop in pickleball at the Michelin Social Club on Tuesdays and Thursdays from noon to 2pm. However, my body didn’t really appreciate pickleball. I don’t know if it was just that I had the wrong kind of shoes, but my hips were not happy – and it took the better part of a week to fully recover (of course going on 3km walks on the beach didn’t really help the recovery process).

    This week the sport was boxing. I remember from the summer session of multisport that I really enjoyed boxing. I went into it with an open mind but didn’t expect to like it. It had never occurred to me that it might be something that I’d enjoy. It turns out the local boxing club is a lot of fun. What is also interesting is the next day I didn’t feel bad. It seems to be a sport that my body actually likes!

    In the summer, I noted that I really enjoyed boxing but didn’t give it another thought. The idea of a sport that is about fighting didn’t appeal to me – but I now realize that it wasn’t that. I was more concerned about what others might think if I mention that I’m boxing. I was more worried about what others might think than about what I actually think. The thing is, boxing gets a bad rap – where other sports which are also about fighting are scene more as working the mind and making a mind-body connection and all that – boxing is seen more as bar fighting – which it totally isn’t. I have now learned that a lot of it is about technique and patterns, and learning to focus and control your body.

    After doing boxing for multisport this week, I decided I would give the regular classes a try. There is a fun “stress relief” class that is Mondays and Fridays at 4pm for an hour. When we did our boxing experience with multisport, it was two hours which really stretched my stamina. One hour is much more manageable for me at this point in time. So tonight I did it. I went to a regular class and I loved it. It felt so good to get out of the headspace I was in before the class and after an hour of focusing and punching things I felt a lot better.

    When coming to the decision to go to a regular class, I realized that I was letting other peoples’ values (or my perception of other peoples’ values) get in the way of doing something that is good for me, and good for my body. If this is something that I enjoy and it is a class I’m willing to go to on a regular basis, then it is something that I should not be ashamed to do. And so, I’m doing it. I’m going to give it a try for a month or two and see where I’m at after that. If tonight’s class was any indication, I’m going to feel a whole lot better.

  • 51 – 53 of 75: Getting lost and Thomas Raddall Provincial Park

    51 – 53 of 75: Getting lost and Thomas Raddall Provincial Park

    I’m not sure how long this challenge is going to take me, but life and world sure seem to be slowing me down.

    51 was a hike a Indian Garden Farms. This is different than Indian Path Common. Indian Garden Farms is a new trail that at times is poorly marked. My hiking buddy and I keep getting lost – which often involves unnecessarily walking around farmers fields and going in circles. You can clearly see the farmer’s field in our route!

    52 and 53 were walks / hikes at Thomas Raddall Provincial Park. The park has some of the nicest private sites of any of the campgrounds. It also has an amazing campers beach. The beach doesn’t look like much at first, but as you walk over to the rocks you nice another crescent beach, and then another. Like most South Shore beaches, they aren’t much at high tide, but they are spectacular at low tide. I can also report that the ocean has warmed up considerably. I enjoyed a lovely ocean swim – I believe this was my first ocean swim since moving to Nova Scotia, as we usually opt to swim in the various freshwater lakes. I can see us going to Thomas Raddall again. It is just over an hours drive from home.

    Of course when I was swimming Cali wanted to come visit me. The water was super shallow, so I wasn’t swimming so much as walking on my hands. It was too deep for Cali to walk so she swam out to me and then climbed on my back! I became Becky the island!

    In the afternoon, while the tide was high, we went out for a hike. We tried to follow a trail, but it wasn’t particularly well maintained. We ended up missing the turn off and out to the beach again. This time, the water was up to the rocks, so we had to scramble over rocks to get back to the main beach. Getting lost seems to be a bit of a theme.

  • 41 – 50 of 75: New beaches and more

    41 – 50 of 75: New beaches and more

    Sorry, I’m behind and writing blogs. I’m also a little behind on my hikes. I had not anticipated the competition that paddleboarding and water sports would have on my desire to hike during the summer.

    1. Cherry Hill Beach (July 21)
    2. Cape Sable Island Beach (July 26)
    3. Ellenwood Provincial Park (July 27)
    4. Cape Sable Island Beach (July 28)
    5. Crescent Beach (July 30)
    6. Cherry Hill Beach (Aug 1)
    7. Crescent Beach (Aug 8)
    8. Crescent Beach (Aug 12)
    9. Mowing the lawn (Aug 14)
    10. Indian Path Common (Aug 15)

    Given where I’m at now, I’m going to have to extend this challenge into the month of September. This is OK because we have postponed a vacation until then and I typically get a lot more hiking in while on vacation.

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