Not growing old

If you were here you would notice that I’m constantly doing something. Even when my body is hurting, I find something to do. Until I enter a drug induced sleep at night, my mind and my body are doing something.

I feel like I always need to be doing something.

It occurred to me today, that this need to be doing something is because I feel like I need to be living, and when I stop to rest or take a two hour nap in the afternoon, I’m not living.

I also have the sense that I’m not going to grow old.

I remember telling a friend, and this was before my latest bout with cancer, that I likely would not live as long as my puppy (this was when Cali was still new to us). My friend was somewhat shocked with that statement, but it is something that I have felt for a while.

When I think about it, I’m not really sad about it. It just feels like something that is. It does make me sad sometimes when people are celebrating their later years. It would be nice to have lived that long, to have that much life. I’m also sad at the thought that my husband will need to grow old without me.

Neither of my parents lived into their 70s.

The sense that I will not grow old, re-enforces the sense of needing to live every moment I can.

I can say that so far I have had a quality life. I’ve had so many great experiences. I am hoping to have more great experiences in the time I have left. I don’t really have any ‘bucket list’ items.

I need to slow down a little. I need to let my body finish healing.

I’m frustrated at the pace of my body healing. Last time, I had a huge surgery and a long way to recover, and yet it felt like it went quickly. I felt like every day I was getting better. With how I’m feeling now, I have no sense of healing. I have no idea if what I’m feeling is a result of radiation or lingering chemo side effects (e.g., every three weeks my heals get really dry and sore – this was a side effect of one the chemos I was on).

Mostly I’m feeling strong and like I’m doing well – but then I get hit with fatigue or tired and a need to nap. It seems that the way I heal from radiation is napping.

One of the challenges I’m have is endurance. I get tired quickly and I start sweating quickly. I’m going through multiple changes of clothes every day. Since I need to feel like I’m doing something, I do things like painting the walls in my husband’s office, and the work causes me to sweat. It shouldn’t. It isn’t really that physically demanding, and yet I start to sweat.

I need to slow down a little. I need to let my body finish healing.

I need to give myself permission to not “live” every moment – and let myself take moments off to just rest. It is OK to not be busy doing things all the time. I can write that, but I don’t really feel it. Inside I still feel the need to do something – tonight’s something is putting together an Ikea buffet. I’m tired but I need to finish it or at least unpack a few more boxes – this cabinet came with so many different boxes!

This rambling blog post has three key things I want to communicate:

(1) I’m getting tired quickly/easily

(2) I need to be doing something all the time

(3) I’m not going to grow old.

I need to slow down a little. I need to let my body finish healing.

Becky
  • Becky

2 Comments

  • Hi Becky,
    Who says slowing down isn’t living? or living fully? I had 2 years of miserable nerve pain and was told it may never go away. I got lucky and it did, but I had to come to a complete stop and tiptoe back into things. It wasn’t fun, but I learned a lot. I have a book that was helpful–called ‘A Pace of Grace’ I’d like to loan it to you and will bring it next week when I am there for the CoHo meeting. Susan.

  • I don’t know what to say. I am saddened to read your post but I know you are being honest in expressing your feelings.

    Uncle Mike and I are coming out in June for Isabella’s grad – we are hoping/planning to come and see you and Scott (and Cali) if you’re okay with that. Her grad is on June 20. We’re driving out with a 3 day stop in New Hampshire.

    Love to you, Scott and the puppy
    💕

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