Recent moods

I am highly aware that my most recent blog posts have all seems rather depressing – or at least that is what I’m sensing. I want to say that I’m not really doing that badly. I’m struggling emotionally, and every physical ill (I have a cold now) amplifies the emotional struggles – but I’m doing OK.

I have taken a new mantra from the book When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life … specifically, “when you change the way you think, you can change the way you feel” … I actually turn it around. When I’m feeling anxious or sad, I remind myself that I have the power to change the way I am thinking, which in-turn, will change the way I am feeling. Most of the time this actually works. It does help me feel better.

I’ve had a headache for a while, which seems to keep coming back. That had me really worried. I’ve also noticed that I’m not seeing particularly well with my glasses. My oncologist thinks the headaches are most likely caused by not seeing well – that is, the root cause is poor vision, which can be fixed by getting new glasses. After an emotional breakdown over not being able to get an optometrist appointment at my normal eye clinic (a bit of an overreaction on my part), I saw a doctor at Costco yesterday and my new glasses are on order. Hopefully the new glasses will resolve the headache issue.

I am also struggling a bit with how I am physically feeling. Recovery from this last surgery has been quicker than previous, but it is still slower than I want it to be. It seems that when I try to get out and do more exercise, I end up with a cold. I’m not liking that pattern. It may also just be that my body is finally allowing the colds to happen. Thankfully, I managed to avoid colds and fevers while I was on chemotherapy and while I was preparing for my big surgery. Now that my body isn’t fighting so much to recover from those traumas, it seems that it is allowing itself to get colds – which slow me down. And so, today, being my mental health day is also a physical health day. Today my exercise will be a meandering walk over to the grocery store and back – and other than that, I’ll sit and read and watch TV … maybe if I’m feeling up for it, I might make another batch of raw chocolate (yum).


  • Becky


  • I’m sending you positive vibes. Reading, watching TV and chocolate sounds good to me:-)

  • Thanks for the tip on the book Rebecca. Being medicated for anxiety I’ve tried going off the pills and end up in a mess. Also know the triggers that set things off and am working on diverting the negative.
    My sense is we need to reclaim ourselves from the feeling of uncontrol that cancer breeds. I hate the feeling of helplessness and being at the mercy of others I was never able to connect with. Now that chemo is done the rebuilding can start by honoring the struggle I went through and discard the mistakes my “care-givers” made.
    Your care situation was different but injuries to the self tend to make themselves at home and maybe it’s time the tell the ‘guests’ to leave. Anyway, it’s spring and time for renewal and my first project is to complete the many minor things my non-linear chemo brain left undone. Making chocolate fudge is one of them.

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