A heaviness

By | Fri March 1, 2019

I have been feeling a heaviness lately that I could not quite place. I had originally put it on my lupron shot – the heaviness associated with ongoing cancer treatments – but that wasn’t it. The visit to the cancer center always reminds me of Lori. I spent a fair amount of time bringing her to appointments there.

And lately, I’ve also been thinking a lot about my parents. There is a heaviness there too. A grieving that is happening around everything else that is going on.

Good things are happening too. I’m teaching three classes now – I was teaching two, but was asked to teach a third mid-semester – which has been a bit of a shuffle, but also reminded me how much I love putting together course materials and building out online courses (as long I can do it well). It is like I’m on a crusade to get rid of bad online learning and make it all amazing. At least I hope my students find the experience to be a good one. I guess I won’t really know until the end of the term. Either way, I’m loving doing that work.

My dissertation is progressing well. I’m afraid to celebrate anything associated with it, as each time I thought I was making progress it turned out I wasn’t. I don’t want to jinx it.

I have been feeling this heaviness, and it occurred to me why. In part it is a nervousness. In two weeks I’m headed up to Ontario mostly to go to conference, but also to deal with some tax stuff for mom’s estate. I am really looking forward to the conference and being with ‘my people’ for a few days. But, I also realized that this is the first time I’m going back when the house isn’t there (well it is there, just owned by someone else). I’m going back to a place where I will definitely feel the loss. I’m nervous about it. It is also bringing forward memories. I am reminded of something my therapist said to me about grief .. it will hit you at unexpected times. You need to be with it and so, part of the reason I’m writing this is that it is my way of being with it.

Feature image by PresenterMedia

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