BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: swimming

  • Feeling strong

    I am surprised by how all of sudden my strength returns. Where only a week ago I could only swim 7 laps in the pool, I’m now swimming 30 and the only reason I stopped was because I had too many other errands to do.

    It seems that with each AC cycle the down days after neulasta are longer, but when my strength does return, I’m stronger than I’ve been before. In cycle three, I walked farther (10km on day 2), cycled farther (36km on day 10), and swam farther (we actually I swam this distance in cycle 2 as well 1200m) – than I had before chemo started.

    As I’ve discussed in my last post, I’m also struggling with increasing signs of depression – worsening with each cycle. This in part is related to not have access to my coping mechanisms (exercise) for the longer stretches each cycle. In part because the reality of having breast cancer is sinking in (denial is becoming less and less active in my brain), and a lack of knowing what will come next. Relating to exercise, each added day when I cannot get in a long workout, my stress and anxiety build. I’ll be working with the folks at onc-pysch on developing additional coping strategies, but will also be changing some medications to something new, where the side effects are actual effects that align well with counter-acting the effects of chemo (drowsiness, anti-neasea, and increase appetite). The new meds should also help deal with some of the ‘chemo-pause’ side effects (night hot flashes). We shall see how it all works – but for the next two or three days, I should be feeling strong – and will try to enjoy it while it lasts.

    When I was up at Stanford yesterday, I visited my tree. I wish pictures could capture the scent of the eucalyptus.
    Photo & Video Sharing by SmugMug

    I’m not nearly as good at taking pictures near myself near the tree – but here I am sporting the new cap Maha sent me from Egypt 🙂

     

     

  • On my way back

    After the abyss that is day 3 and day 4 after chemo, I feel that I am coming back to life. It is a rather dramatic transition really. Swimming on day three I struggled to swim 7 laps (280m). Today, I thought I’d push myself to make at least 10 laps, but then something clicked – the fatigue let go – and I swam 20 laps (800m).

    So the real me is coming back to life. I’m still rather limited in what I can do. Blisters on my hands are re-emerging, and I have blisters on my feet that may limit walking – we’ll see how my feet feel in my new running shoes. Biking is out for a couple more days, as it contributes to the blisters – so swimming is my main exercise until that gets cut off, which by then I hope to be back on the bike and walking again.

    One more cycle of AC – there is light at the end of this tunnel.

  • Is it tired or it is fatigue?

    I find myself asking the question, am I tired? or am I fatigued? I used to think it was the same thing. I’m learning that it is not.

    The symptoms are similar if not the same. Heavy eyelids, yawning, lack of energy.

    When I’m tired, I can take a nap and I usually fall asleep quickly. When I’m fatigued, laying in bed results in restless lying around, and sleep does not come. Fatigue responds better to exercise than it does to sleep; however, overcoming the inertia of fatigue in order to get to the exercise is a challenge.

    For the most part, this chemo cycle has been easier on me than the first cycle. I knew what to expect and I knew when to take which medications, and I charted out which days to avoid certain activities. I managed the side effects a lot better. However, the one side effect that I felt more of throughout, was fatigue. At various times, I found myself weighted down with fatigue. I felt tired but napping was ineffective.

    Now that I appreciate the difference, I know what to do. This morning I was definitely feeling fatigue. Trying to go back to sleep didn’t help. Hopping in the pool and swimming 800m did. Feeling much more full of energy now – hopefully enough to tackle Costco and Safeway so the house is well stocked when nausea hits!

  • My bald head

    There are times when I find myself wanting to cover my head in something stylish – and I like looking good. There are times when I run out to take out the garbage and I cover my head so as not to scare or make uncomfortable anyone who I might happen to cross paths with in the corridors of the condo.

    Today, when I was out sailing, I mostly wore a buff and my Tilley hat.
    DCIM\100GOPRO

    I usually wear my Tilley hat sailing, so anyone who has seen me before would not notice any difference. There was a brief moment when I took my hat off for a picture – cause I really wanted a picture with the waves and my bald head – mostly for posterity. But I also wanted to feel the wind on my head. At this point, it was easier to put my buff and hat back on, as I needed my hands to hold onto the boat!

    DCIM\100GOPRO

    But, towards the end of the sail, when it was a little less windy and cold, I found myself wanting (craving) to talk off my hat so I could experience the feeling of the wind on my skull. I love the feel of the wind on my bare head. But I didn’t. I was afraid of how the people around me would react. I was not afraid of showing my bare head, but I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.

    When in the car, I often strip off my head scarf. It is either too hot, and I want to cool down, or I’m on a slower road and I want to drive with the windows down. Again, that feeling of breeze on my bare skull is delightful. When I’m in the car, I’m not worried about how my baldness might make others feel (even when stopped at intersections). I’m conscious about it, but not worried about it.

    When I had a shaved head, I didn’t worry about it. I often went out without covering up. But now, my head is patchy. It is mostly bald, but still has some patchy bits of hair. Sometimes when I swim, I don’t worry about it and just go bare. Last time I swam, I wore my swim cap. I was OK with changing from my buff to my swim cap at the pool, and I even used the pool shower and exposed my naked head (but found myself hoping that when someone walked by that they didn’t look my way). But I didn’t walk to or from the pool with a bare head.

    So I’m of mixed feelings right now. There are times when I want to look fashionable that I am happy to have my head covered in a pretty scarf/buff/whatever. It is a part of the outfit and actually dresses up what I’m wearing. However, there are times when, I would rather not bother covering up. Although, from a practicality perspective, I do need to concern myself with sun protection. My bare head cannot go out in the sun for any length of time, but it certainly craves being exposed for short periods of time (and I do hate wearing a buff under my bike helmet, but I need the sun protection).

    So I wonder, how much should I worry about what other people might think? Do I worry about the discussions parents might need to have with their children after seeing me? Is that something that I should even care about?

     

  • Day 3 is just plain hard

    Today is day 3 and it is a hard day. It was a hard day last cycle too. I am thankful that there will only be two more cycles of AC and that means only two more day threes.

    Why is day three so hard? The neulasta pains are crazy. It isn’t a new kind of muscle pain – pain from the inside out. It hurts to swallow but it isn’t a sore throat. It is the muscles around the throat and the neck that all just plain hurt. And this makes me feel sad.

    I walked this morning, and I even biked a short bit this afternoon, but that didn’t seem to prevent the pains – although it was nice to get out – it is also very hot outside today – so I am thankful that we have central air!  But it is still hard. It is a day a sleep a lot and watch TV a lot …

    The biopsy on Monday means I couldn’t swim today, so I missed my magical afternoon swimming with my clothing on. I will not allow anything to disrupt that routine next cycle as I think it is one of the things that helps me get through it. I’d also like to do Reiki on day 3, but my Reiki healer is away this week, so I don’t see her until Tuesday. Hopefully, she will be in next cycle.

    So, now I know, day 3 is hard, but it is just one day … tomorrow will be better.

    The good news today is that we finally got some of the scheduling figured out. There was a mix up on the schedule for chemo, so they had the wrong type listed for the second round. So, now I know my last infusion date is set for November 17th.  So, surgery will be either December 10 or December 17 (I need to decide which date to have them hold). So, Hawaii will be the week of December 1st … something to look forward to …

  • Seriousness is sinking in

    I’m starting to shed my hair. I noticed at first when I use the toilet, and then again when I dried my hair after the shower – seeing enough bits of hair in the towel that I had to throw it in the wash!

    At Wednesday’s oncologist appointment, when I asked about surgery timing, specifying my desire to spend a week in Hawaii before surgery, the point was made not to push it too late. There is enough time for that week, but I should not plan on pushing surgery out 2-3 months. The comment was in the lines of “we’ve done all this chemo, don’t waste it”. This cancer won’t be killed that easily – even if the masses shrink to smaller sizes they need to be removed.

    Yesterday, I got a short synopsis of the pathology of the third mass (the small one in my left breast). It is DCIS PR/HR+,HER2- with a small Ki-67 (<5%). This is sometimes called pre-cancerous or cancer in the duct itself, as it has not yet spread to the surrounding breast tissue. DCIS has a high likelihood of turning into IDC (which my other two masses are). So this is my magic number three cancer.

    I say magic number three because that seems to be my meditation number. When I took swimming lessons last fall, the instructor has me breath after every three strokes. Ever since then, three seemed to be a better number for me for meditating. When I do yoga, I hold poses for three breaths, and when I try to calm my nerves to sleep I count my breathes 1-2-3 and then repeat. So three seems to be my number.

    So, now that I have three cancers, it can stop there! No need to go any further!

    My plan for a triathlon before surgery will likely need to be reschedule until after surgery. The window won’t be long enough for me to manage it and Hawaii at the same time – and Hawaii is definitely something I plan to do (Maui more specifically – easy to get to from here and an easy island to get around).

    I do, however, have a new plan for after surgery. One of the wonderful ladies on the Flat and Fabulous Facebook group has inspired me to aim to trapeze at Club Med Cancun in the fall of 2015. I want to be fully recovered from surgery such that I can do something so crazy as swing from a trapeze – plus they have sailing and kayaking too … some nice serious activities that require upper body strength.

    I am finding this process of hurdles not dissimilar to doing a PhD. At each phase there are additional hurdles to overcome. One bit of advice we are given in the PhD is to celebrate each hurdle as you complete it. My first hurdle is AC chemo. I’ve done two treatments, so one could say 1/2 way, but that would not be fair … as I still need to recover from this second treatment before I can truthfully call it done!

    I am happy that I am starting to get some productive days back. My life isn’t all about cancer anymore. I am re-emerging into my academic life, trying to pull together as much as I can to make a dissertation out of my existing thesis project. I have a couple of things that need to happen in the fall that hopefully I can make happen. If they do, then I shall have enough data to turn it into something. I have learned a lot, and do have a lot to share – I just need close it off and put it all together.

    So with the seriousness of this disease sinking in, what is also sinking in is my need to focus on the future – and on what comes afterwards (or at least what I’m going to do with the next year and a half that doesn’t involve chemo and cancer surgery).

  • Variable days

    I’m finding that my days are rather variable. If you ask me mid-day if it is a good day, I will likely have a different option than in the morning or in the evening.

    Sunday is a good example. I woke up early, unable to sleep. I wrote a blog post, but then I found myself feeling tired and generally not feeling great. So I decided a needed to climb back into bed. I decided to cancel sailing because I just could not image driving to San Fran, sailing for 2.5 hours, and driving back. It was more than I could mentally handle.

    After another 2 hours sleep, I awoke with a crazy headache, took Tylenol and had a cup of coffee. That inspired another ’bout of writing. I wrote several blog posts on Sunday! Feeling energetic, I went for a bike ride – 31 km on my road bike – to be fair, my road bike is my easiest bike to ride, so 31 km on my ‘bent is not the same as 31 km on my road bike – but still, it was a solid 90 minutes of riding. It felt great to be back at my pre-chemo strength. That evening we even walked over to the bank (6.5 km) – more than I thought I’d be able to do when we set out (I figured I’d turn around part way).

    So, looking at the morning would not have provided insight into just how my day would go. I’m finding this to be a bit of a trend. I can never tell how well the day will go.

    This morning started with an MRI guided biopsy of the small mass in my left breast. This was not 100% necessary, but recommended in order to allow maximum flexibility when it comes to surgery. I also just want to know. I feel like three is my number – it is the number I use to meditate, the number of strokes I count when I swim, the number of bikes I have – it resonates with me.  I have three masses in my breasts, two have proven to be cancer. I want to know if the third is also cancer, and if the third is the same kind of cancer. If it is, it just means that something when crazy in my body and spontaneously cancer grew – it is not a sign of spread – as with this type of cancer, it is each one growing at the about the same time.

    After my last MRI experience (weird machine), I knew a lot more about what to expect. I asked for things to help make myself more comfortable during the procedure. I took a Lorazepam just before the procedure, so I was mostly dopy and sleepy throughout – much better than being stressed and claustrophobic – although this MRI machine was different – it was much bigger and had open sides. They get you positioned, put you in for a scan, roll you out, put in the needle based on the images, roll you back in and scan to make sure the needle is in the right place, roll you out to do the biopsy, move the need for the marker, roll you in to check that things are in the right place, put in the marker (a little piece of metal in the shape of a M), then roll you in again for one last image of the marker placement. Then after they bandage you up, they ship you over to mammography for a gentle mammogram of the marker – as a baseline reference.

    I requested all the images back when I requested the original MRI images, so I should receive them in the mail sometime in the next couple of weeks.

    I found myself so tired on the drive home (after we stopped for lunch) that I actually slept in the car. When I got home, I slithered into bed and promptly slept for 3.5 hours. I guess I needed that.

    This evening I’m feeling good. No real pain from the biopsy. Even managed to get some work done. Tomorrow is chemo prep day – so need to get to bed soon so that I am well rested for the various errands that need to be run prior to chemo and the following less productive days. Unfortunately, the biopsy means no strenuous activity for 3 days and no swimming for a week. We shall re-visit that with the oncologist on Wednesday, as I will really really really want to be in the pool on Friday if I have the same reaction to neulasta. I got the OK on sauna use from the MRI doctor (radiologist) who also said if things are healing well I may be OK for the pool on Friday (one week is the party line but not everyone needs the full week). So cycle two won’t align with my ideal exercise plans, but we shall go with what the body wants/needs at any given time. It is what it is.

  • In for an emotional day (maybe)

    I’m happy to report that the worst of the bone pains has passed. Once the nurse called me back, she looked into it, and advised that I could take an NSAID (like ibuprofen) for the pain. I have stronger NSAID for my arthritis, so I took one of them and within 30 minutes the pain had almost completely subsided.

    Yesterday was also my most tired day. I took a nap at 11am and woke up at 2pm. I clearly needed to spend the day mostly sleeping (although I did do yoga and go for a walk – albeit a short walk). Both the yoga and walk made me feel better – so as much as it is difficult to motivate at times, I know that getting out and exercising does make me feel better.

    Today I get to go swimming again. The nurse explained that the bone pain is caused by the overproduction of white blood cells being pushed out from the bone marrow into the blood. Since there are a lot all of a sudden, this causes pain – but it also is a sign of the rebound. So with the pain stopping (I’m sitting writing this with no medication in me – so it isn’t the medication dulling the pain, rather then pain being finished), my blood counts should be back up which means swimming is back on the agenda (yay).

    So, if chemo is day 1 (we are recalibrating to a 1 offset rather than 0 as that is what most of the health folks do) then day 11 is my rebound day. I think I will create a graph which will allow me to better forecast symptoms and see if cycle 2 is similar. If I understand this correctly (crossing fingers), I’m not in recovery mode until the next treatment, which has been pushed to Wednesday because my oncologist is on vacation. Currently, the schedule has round three moving back to Monday, but I cannot imagine going back in to chemo at day 12, so we will definitely need to put that out. I may be strong, but I don’t need to unnecessarily push myself for the convenience of someone else’s schedule.

    I mention in the title that today may be an emotional one. Today I get my head shaved. If you haven’t done chemo you may not understand this idea of proactively shaving your head. There are a couple of reasons for it. The practical reason is that hair falling out in clumps is a pain. The second, more important one, is an exercise in control. If I’m going to lose my hair then I am going to control when it happens. Control is a huge issue with cancer, as it is one of the things you lose. You lose a lot of control over how your body is growing, how it reacts, and the various schedules of appointments and such. So, when you have an opportunity to take control and do something on your own terms, it can be important for some people to take control. I admit it, I’m a control freak. I like to plan things and I am already struggling with my inability to plan the exact dates of our Hawaii trip because I have no clue how I will be feeling.

    And so, I am taking control of my hair, and having it shaved today. Scott will get his head shaved too. We’ll take a fun selfie when it is done! I’m looking forward to seeing what it feels like to have my head rubbed, the same way I like to rub Scott’s head right after a hair cut!

  • The Colour Pink and a memorial celebration

    I find the reaction to the colour pink interesting. You see, I’ve always liked wearing pink, but not breast cancer pink (or as my reiki healer today called it Pepto Bismol pink). Since my diagnosis, I find it interesting the different reactions other people have to the colour pink. Mostly, it is a complete aversion to the colour. So, I thought I’d announced, I’m not against pink, just please not Pepto Bismol pink). I really like dark deep pinks (as well as greens and blues).

    This morning I was thinking of the memorial post that I made to Puffie – on our Going East bike trip, we had a bag stolen. Of all the things in the bag, the one loss that I felt was that of our mascot Puffie – a stuffed Labrador puffin that we bought a the L’Anse Amour lighthouse. It got me thinking of memorials, and how they help deal with loss.

    I found myself wondering about (and craving) a memorial for my breasts. I wondered what others had done or if my thought of creating some kind of memoir was a totally crazy idea? I asked on a couple of breast cancer social media groups that I’m part of. I received a variety of suggestions for parties with catchy names (boob voyage) that all seemed to involved booby cakes and lots of alcohol (made me miss my girlfriends back in Ottawa). They were more in line with they’ve had a good life celebration before they are sent off.

    The response that really struck me was a truly heart felt post from a fellow blogger who is probably about my age, who created an art piece the night before her mastectomy. I really feel for women have children, whose emotional ties to their breasts relate directly to feeding their children as infants. I cannot say that I have that same bond, but I still feel a need somehow to do something before they are gone. Maybe its just something trivial like swimming topless in Hawaii (not sure its legal, but I’m sure an exception could be made) … I now have visions of a photo shoot. Scott with the new Go Pro camera, taking pictures of me swimming topless with the sea turtles and snorkeling around the amazing corral reefs in Maui. Maybe we will even charter a sailboat to take us to a nice spot, not full of tourists. A place to say a last goodbye. Sounds like heaven.

     

  • Post Chemo day 3

    Today was a mixed day. It began badly – actually it was more that last night ended badly. I was feeling pain in a way that I had never felt before. It is difficult to describe. They sometimes call it bone pain, but I would not call it that at all. It was like all my muscles (mostly in my abdomen head and neck hurt. My throat hurt – but it was a sore throat – rather it was the muscles around my throat hurt when I swallowed. Yuck.

    I was bummed that I couldn’t get the marijuana (MJ) yesterday. You see, I could get a license, but the dispensary we want to use (one that actually measures and labels the dosage of all items it sells) requires California ID and I don’t have that yet. They would not accept any other proof of living in California. So, I have on my to do list, when I’m feeling up to is, a trip to the DMV to wait in line forever to get a California ID. I tried scheduling an appointment, but all appointments are in August! Unfortunately, I wasn’t feeling up for it today. We do have an alternative. My husband can get a caregiver card, and since he has a California Drivers license, he will be permitted to go to the dispensary and buy stuff. Dispensary isn’t really the right word – it is actually a collective – and they include education on what exactly you are getting and various recommendations. For the side effects of chemo, the drugs you are looking for aren’t actually the THC (which causes the high) rather it is another drug. I took this picture in the doctors office. I’m actually looking forward to being permitted into the dispensary so that I can actually learn more about it … in the mean time, I’d be happy with a few truffles that might help me sleep without being drugged up prescription pharmaceuticals.

    2014-07-09 12.21.43

     

    As the day progressed, I began to feel better. I think I really just needed to talk to a friend or two. I spend a couple of hours on Facetime and Skype talking to friends and that definitely helped ease the pains. I think also the Sudafed (pseudoephedrine HCl) helped – glad I had some – as far as I know you cannot get it in the US without other stuff like Tylenol mixed it. *** You can in Canada. It mades me a little spacey but it cleared up the fogginess in my head. I also walked over to Safeway to pick up Claritin (and took some immediately). They say that Claritin is the best thing to counteract the pains associated with the neulasta. We had asked about whether Reactin would work and were told it would. I can sadly report, that it did NOT. So adequately drugged up to counteract side effects, I’m feeling OK now. I check my temperature regularly to ensure I don’t have a fever.

    The one thing I felt this morning is that I really wanted a reiki treatment. This was interesting. I’ve had reiki a couple times before and didn’t really feel like I got much for it, but today, I craved it. I just wanted to feel that healing touch. I couldn’t get an appointment until tomorrow, but now I know. Next cycle, I will pre-book an appointment for the day after neulasta (or maybe even two appointments) just to help it clear my system.

    Instead, I went for an afternoon swim with my clothes on. As I’m sun sensitive, swimming in an outdoor pool in bright sunlight is a bad idea. So, with my clothes and swimcap on, I’m almost completely covered. It was magical. And the feel of my wet clothes against my skin had the effect that I was hoping for in the reiki treatment I couldn’t get. With each stroke across the pool my shirt and capris gently massaged my skin in the slightly salty swimming pool water. It was magical – and exactly what I needed.  I found myself floating and kicking in snorkeling position, head down blowing bubbles. Next time, I hope to have the new Go Pro setup, and then I can take videos of the patterns on the bottom of the pool as I swim around. Anyways, you get my point – it was the magic that I needed for a day that didn’t begin too well.

    I think more than anything, with the new pains in my body, that reality is starting to set in. I am powerless against some of these pains, and that is difficult to accept. It is also that the sensations are new – so I don’t know how to react to them – I don’t know what I can do to ease the pains – and popping yet another pill isn’t exactly what I want to be doing – but yes, to those who have asked, I am taking my anti-nausea meds pretty strictly.

    My outlook at the end of today is better. I do hope I wake up tomorrow feeling a little more energy – need to get the apartment ready for my mom to arrive on Saturday 🙂

    *** Although this is what I believed at the time, it is not true. The medication is available from the pharmacist, you just need to ask and show ID.

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