BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Author: Becky

  • Chai Tea? Nope, California Bay Leaf

    Chai Tea? Nope, California Bay Leaf

    Some of you know that I love to hike. Several times while hiking I noticed a distinct smell – that smelled to me like Chai Tea. For the longest time, I thought it was a combination of native thyme plants and eucalyptus trees, which are often found in the areas where I hike.

    However, I was wrong. I recently learned that what I was smelling was not someone carrying a chai tea while hiking (that would be odd on a hot summer day), but rather it was the California Bay laurel, and the leaves are known as California Bay leaves. They are culinary leaves similar to the traditional bay leaf you find in the spice section of the store – only a slightly stronger flavor.

    On my last hike, I finally remembered to pick up a few leaves. I like to make green lentils with bay leaf, as it adds a wonderful flavor. Today, I’m trying it out with the California bay leaf that I picked up while hiking.

    Amusingly, when I googled it, I found that people actually sell “wild” California bay leave on Etsy.

  • I can see – mostly

    I can see – mostly

    One of the challenges I’m having now is figuring out who in my family to tell things to. I didn’t blog about this sooner because I didn’t know who I was telling. I didn’t really tell anyone until the day before (Tuesday). Wednesday during the day was nervewracking – but I also had a lot of work that I needed to do, as I was anticipating not being on my computer for several days.

    Recently, I decided to do a procedure on my left eye that would make it similar to my right eye. Ever since my cataract surgery back in early 2014, I have not been happy with my eyesight. My cancer diagnosis slowed down any correction to the problem – because the focus of all medical things became cancer treatment. I got a few prescriptions and learned to live with my eyesight. I wasn’t happy with it, and often felt that I wished I had opted for the more traditional cataract surgery rather than the “monovision” that I was supposed to have – especially because the monovision didn’t turn out right.

    Yesterday, I did it. I decided only a couple weeks ago that I was going to do it, and then found that there was an opening yesterday. I knew I was going to do it, and I didn’t want to wait. I wanted it to be healed before I go to a conference in mid-October and definitely before winter vacations.

    The procedure I had was the newer variant of PRK (photorefractive keratectomy). I had the same procedure back in 2006 and swore I’d never do it again. The recovery from it was hell – however, I really enjoyed having better than 20/20 vision. This time, the doctor told me that recovery was a lot better – and so far, he is correct – it is so much better than it was. They actually don’t prescribe opioids for the procedure anymore. Last time, I was drugged up for several days and had a severe sensitivity to light.

    It is just the first day after surgery and already the doctor tells me that my eyesight in my left eye means that I am cleared to drive. I was able to buy some inexpensive -1.50 glasses from Amazon (surprised me, but there must be a market for those post cataract while waiting for the eyes to settle). It can take up to six months for the eye to settle into its final prescription, so there is no point in purchasing expensive glasses. The inexpensive ones are good enough – and will allow me to drive both during night and day (I bought sunglasses for daytime and clear ones for night). They might look a little goofy – I don’t know, they haven’t arrived yet, but they will do until I know for certain what my final prescription will be.

    It will be a lot easier to get glasses now, as my prescription in both eyes will be close. I’ll still need glasses for distance if I want things to be clear (like driving unfamiliar places and sight seeing). I’ll also need reading glasses for close up – but again, with both eyes being the same I can buy cheep over the counter glasses. No need for anything special. And already I can see my computer without glasses – which is amazing. My left eye is still cloudy and fuzzy – but the difference from before and now is amazing. I cannot believe how much harder my brain had to work when I was doing things without my glasses on. I’m also noticing that I’m seeing better in low light – it used to be that twilight was the worst time, because my brain could not figure out what to do with my eyes.

    And so, I’m happy to report that so far so good. If you see me online, I probably won’t be wearing glasses, and if you see me at other times, I might have a dorky pair on.

    Feature image: Credit my husband – yes that is my eye!

  • Mountain Biking and Wilder Ranch

    Yesterday we rented mountain bikes and went for our second ride – having doing a “tour” a couple weeks ago that involved a few small lessons. The lessons came in handy. This time my rented bike had a smaller frame which fit a lot better. I didn’t end up with nearly as many bruises 🙂

    We both learned that we need more practice in climbing. The uphills killed us, but we had a lot of fun going down.

    Here is the selfie we too before deciding to turn around and head back down, after over an hour of climbing we were finished with the hard part!

    Once we got back down to bottom, we decided to try an easier ride out to the bluffs, where we walked to back on August 31, 2014. Just over 4 years ago. I remember the hike taking a lot of energy and me moving very slowly back then.

    I had forgotten about the beach full of pelicans that is on the way to the bluff.

    When we got to bluff this time, we had to take a couple of selfies back at the same place. As you can see, I’m a lot happier in the photo (actually, it looks like Scott is the one that clearly having more fun this time!)

    As you can see by the map, we have a lot more of Wilder Ranch to explore. Our highest elevation was 174m (although there were a few downs involved so we climbed more than that).

  • My mantra

    I thought I would share my mantra with everyone here. Anytime I get a new ache or pain, I repeat to myself “In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”.

    This really helps when I am going for a scan or a doctors appointment that is triggering anxiety.

    Currently I’m OK. I have some new lower back pain, so I’m getting an MRI to rule out anything – but I don’t think it is anything other than arthritis acting up. My first reaction to a new ache or pain is to think of a non-cancer reason for it, because more than likely there is a non-cancer reason for it. Then when that little voice inside says, “but maybe it is …”  I repeat to myself “In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”.

  • Regaining confidence

    I realized the other day that one of the things I’m struggling with right now is self-confidence. After cancer, I had a don’t care attitude that allowed me to not worry about things. That gave me a confidence and strength to tackle things. Over the last year, I’ve lost that.

    I realize now that I need to get it back. I need to peel away the impostor syndrome and regain my sense of knowing what I know, but also knowing that I will never be the expert on everything – that I will always be able to learn from others, but that learning from others doesn’t take away from the expertise that I also have.

    It is a weird sense, but I need to remind myself that I should not care so much about what I think others think of me, rather, I should just be me and share what I know with a sense of self-confidence, because what I do know adds value to the conversation.

    It is weird, but this term, listening to the background of all my students, it is intimidating. I worry that they will think that I don’t know what I’m doing – or that I don’t know much – and then I realize, this is exactly the type of thought patterns that I do not need. My job and passion is to design and to teach. I can share what I know, with the understanding that everyone has different perspectives and we all have something to share. I don’t need to be the expert in everything – but also that I do bring value to the table.

    And so, I need to stop worrying about what others think of me. This is something that I was able to do easily after cancer, and it is something that made me a better teacher. Now that I realize that what was sneaking up on me was my old sense of impostor syndrome, that I can now put that aside and get back to being the teacher that I am.

  • A different kind of loneliness

    A friend said to me the other day “you need to get some friends who aren’t dying”. True that. The disadvantage to working from home and having free time to hike during the day is that the friends that I hang out with are those who have metastatic breast cancer, and are at some point going to die. But that isn’t really the source of this loneliness. The loneliness I’m having now has more to do with the loss of my parents.

    Hiking yesterday I was able to cry for the first time in a few weeks. I was able to figure out part of what I was feeling. My thoughts were “who is going to be proud of me now?” It is that sense that when I make a great accomplishment, that I want to share that with my parents. There is a feeling that they are proud of me. And I am feeling that loss right now. That loss of a sense that when I do something great, that my parents will be proud.

    The loneliness is in part in the knowing that I cannot just pick up the phone and Facetime with mom anymore. When dad died, I could lean on mom. But now with mom gone, I am feeling alone. I know that I have family still. I am just feeling that emptiness that goes along with grief. I cry for a bit and then the resiliency in me kicks in and I look to things I can do to reconnect to the world.

  • Lost …

    I’m at a loss for what to do with myself, or more, how I should be thinking.

    I’m working, preparing my courses which start the week after next. That is keeping me busy.

    When she allows it, I spend time with my best friend. I say that, because she has become overwhelmed with people wanting to see her, and she had been so sick that she needed someone around 24hrs a day that she didn’t get any alone time. Now that she is feeling a little better (yay to that), she is healthy enough to be alone at least for a few hours a day.

    My PhD is on hold, which is a good thing. Although I did find myself sort of writing  my discussion chapter in my head as I was hiking the other day – hiking alone. Allowing myself to gather my own thoughts.

    I am still dealing with various aspects of mom’s estate. One of my Aunt reflected on how being executor made it a lot more difficult for her to grieve. That her duties meant that she couldn’t let go or move on.

    I have missed the summer here – having spent most of it up in Ottawa. The temperatures here now are a clear indication that fall has arrived (highs mid 20s, lows in the low teens). The weather is actually pretty perfect right now.

    Scott and I did decide to try out an adventure. We are doing a Mountain Bike tour up in Marin – where Mountain Bikes were invented – on Monday (hopefully – we are awaiting confirmation).

    I just feel like I’m going through the motions but not having any emotions about it. No sadness but also no passion.

    I’m finding writing difficult – blogging difficult. I know I need to write something for my academic / professional blog but really I don’t know what to write about. Even this post is a little lost – as I don’t have complete thoughts about it – but I do feel the need to write something, just to get that writing muscle back into shape.

    And so, I’m hoping that one day soon, I shall be found … but I’m not expecting that to happen in the next month … I’m hoping it happens before I’m expected to finish off my PhD in January!

  • Yoga and ego

    I went to a yoga class on Sunday and one thing that the instructor mentioned was that one of the practices of yoga is to let go of your ego. That really struck a cord with me, as I often worry about whether or not I’m able to do a particular yoga class. I worry about whether I will look weak or dumb. I know that I should not compare myself to others in the room, but I cannot help but doing it. And that is why the idea of letting go of my ego really helped. It helped remind me that everyone in the room is in a different place, dealing with a different body. No one is judging me except myself (or if they are judging me, who cares? that is their problem not mine).

    And with that, I decided to go to a Body Flow class today. Sunday’s yoga class was a 90-minute Yin yoga class, which involved a lot of stretch poses that were held for long duration. It was a great class to ease into, and helped lose up my way too tight back. Body flow as a class that I used to find too easy. I used to find that it wasn’t really a workout – is we just a chance to stretch. That was 10 or so years ago. Not so much now. The class kicked my ass. However, I did it. I survived the entire class. I did what I could, and I didn’t watch others. I practiced the letting go of my ego, but also not comparing myself to others (which is one way in which I express my ego). I watched the instructor and I did what I could – often looking at myself in the mirror (although it was often better if I didn’t see myself!).

    I’ll wait and see how I’m feeling tomorrow before I decide if I’m going back to that class. What was nice was that the room wasn’t too crowded. If I had the energy in me, I would have gone swimming afterwards, as the timing allows for lap swim before the end of word day crowds. However, today, swimming wasn’t in the cards. The class was more than enough for me.

  • Cell biology video

    I wanted to share this video clip in part because I didn’t want to lose it. What amazes me is that after Project LEAD I actually understand at least part of it. I’ll need to go back over my notes at some point and try to decode the rest of it. Either way, it is a beautiful animation of biology.

  • A long overdue update

    Sorry, it has been awhile since I have written anything. Life has been a little crazy – and I haven’t crashed yet – but I know it should happen. I’m in a state of no emotions right now.

    Last Saturday (a week ago), I attended an all day writing retreat with BAYS. It was truly healing. I wrote a couple of stories – or at least made a start on them. I then read the stories. This allowed me to do some emotional processing around mom’s passing. I cried a lot during that session, and I’m so thankful to the BAYS gals and the facilitator for giving me that chance to express myself. Once I get a chance to edit the stories a little, and finish writing them, I’ll share them here. That might take a bit as I have a lot on my plate right now.

    Then, last week, I attended the National Breast Cancer Coalition’s (NBCC) Project LEAD Institute. It was an intense week of education about breast cancer science – basic biology, cancer biology, immunotherapy as well as information about the different types of research studies including clinical trials and epidemiology (cohort and case-control studies). I met many really awesome advocates and scientists. I really wish I had more time to spend getting to know the people – but it was a jam packed week. I’ll write more about this when I get a chance to mentally process it.

    This week I’m going to try and focus (ya right) on preparing my classes for the fall semester. I’m teaching two courses now: Foundations in Instructional Design and Learning Technology (the first course in the program) and The Design and Instruction of Online Courses (one of the last in the program). I love watching the students grow and build confidence throughout the program.

    I also delayed my Lupron shot (hormone therapy) in order to attend Project Lead. This has led to me getting crazy headaches. I get my shot later today, which I hope means the headaches will go away!

    I find myself thinking as I write about my mother reading my blog posts – and then I realize she isn’t. It is that kind of thought that I have noticed lately. I wonder how mom will react to the different things I’m doing or posting – then I realize, that I won’t hear or see her reaction.

     

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