Author: Becky

I remember during my childhood there was this participACTION campaign about trying to get people off the couch and exercising more. I can hear the sounds of music associated with the commercials, and remember the “breaks” they had.

I’m now coming back from a broken rib followed by a bout of bronchitis. I had that feeling of being out of shape because I have not been active in a while. About a week ago, I pushed a little too hard by hiking 4.5 miles. For the next few days after that I could barely walk due to come horrible compression pain in my spine. Fortunately, a gentle yoga class seems to have resolved that issue.

The weather here hasn’t been conducive to much outdoor exercise. The hills are all wet and muddy, so even when it isn’t raining most of my usual hiking spots of too damp for a tromp in the wood. Instead, I’ve started back at the gym. I’m not going a lot. Often it is just 30 minutes on the stationary bike – with enough intensity that I’m dripping with sweat for last 15-20 minutes of my workout. I leave the gym feeling amazing. Cardio exercise has always given me an adrenaline rush. It is something that I really missed after breaking my rib.

Now, I’m slowly easing back into it. Every day I ask myself, what have I done for my body today? Today it was 30 minutes on the bike at the gym followed by 5 minutes on the crazy stair climbing machine (imagine, a machine that has a conveyor belt of stairs that never stop).

I think about the participACTION commercials – and one of their taglines at one point was “just do it” … and so, when I’m not feeling up for much, I remind myself to “just do it” … Hopefully I’ll be ready for biking again soon (still waiting on my sternum to heal from the broken rib). I hope to be ready for more strenuous exercise when the weather improves and hills allow for regular hiking and mountain biking.

Feature image is a photo I took on my hike last week. Notice that Mount Hamilton has snow on it! 

I have been feeling a heaviness lately that I could not quite place. I had originally put it on my lupron shot – the heaviness associated with ongoing cancer treatments – but that wasn’t it. The visit to the cancer center always reminds me of Lori. I spent a fair amount of time bringing her to appointments there.

And lately, I’ve also been thinking a lot about my parents. There is a heaviness there too. A grieving that is happening around everything else that is going on.

Good things are happening too. I’m teaching three classes now – I was teaching two, but was asked to teach a third mid-semester – which has been a bit of a shuffle, but also reminded me how much I love putting together course materials and building out online courses (as long I can do it well). It is like I’m on a crusade to get rid of bad online learning and make it all amazing. At least I hope my students find the experience to be a good one. I guess I won’t really know until the end of the term. Either way, I’m loving doing that work.

My dissertation is progressing well. I’m afraid to celebrate anything associated with it, as each time I thought I was making progress it turned out I wasn’t. I don’t want to jinx it.

I have been feeling this heaviness, and it occurred to me why. In part it is a nervousness. In two weeks I’m headed up to Ontario mostly to go to conference, but also to deal with some tax stuff for mom’s estate. I am really looking forward to the conference and being with ‘my people’ for a few days. But, I also realized that this is the first time I’m going back when the house isn’t there (well it is there, just owned by someone else). I’m going back to a place where I will definitely feel the loss. I’m nervous about it. It is also bringing forward memories. I am reminded of something my therapist said to me about grief .. it will hit you at unexpected times. You need to be with it and so, part of the reason I’m writing this is that it is my way of being with it.

Feature image by PresenterMedia. 

I haven’t been blogging that much lately. Mostly my writing energy has been taken up by my dissertation. I finished the first draft of all my analysis chapters yesterday. Now I go back to the beginning and fill in any gaps that I left. It is an exciting feeling knowing that I’m finally making progress again. I can see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I am also writing a lot for the classes I’m teaching. I took on a new class this semester – I’m co-teaching a class on learning theories. I love learning theories, so it is great to have the opportunity to go through the latest research and articles in search of good content for the class. I’m also creating explainer videos like this one: https://youtu.be/_xnG-sjHccs. I didn’t realize how much I missed building things like this. I love creating things using educational technologies.

With progress on my dissertation and having made 4 years in remission, I’m starting to see that a transition is coming in my life. I don’t quite know what it will be. I can see a time when I’m not working on my dissertation and I have more free time to do other things.

Maybe the transition is that I am leaving 2018 behind. I’ve always identified more with Chinese New Year than the calendar new year. I think because it aligns more with my birthday, so I feel the year changing a lot more than I do when the calendar year changes.

I feel like this will be a year of transition for me …

Feature image created using Presenter Media.

In this week’s newsletter, Nancy highlights an older post where she asks What’s wrong with a survivorship badge anyways?

I have been reflecting a lot lately on survivorship – but also where I’m going to go next with my life. This is never an easy task – this contemplation.

I am a survivor and get that doesn’t mean cancer is over. For the majority of people breast cancer is never over. There will never be a time when I go to the doctor’s office and don’t have my history of cancer play some role in what is happening.

I recall when I was first diagnosed and learning a lot – asking the question, if I get treated at Stanford, do I get to wear the sweater? Now, really what I was thinking was that I was doing so much learning that I should have earned at least a masters degree! There should be an ePatient masters degree – wouldn’t that be a novel idea. Something setup to help patients through disease but also beyond – for those who want to learn more about being a patient and an advocate. It would totally be an appropriate degree – perhaps within a faculty of education or health sciences. (I see it more as a social science than a medical or natural science).

As I mentioned in my last post, over Christmas I had a great trip to Bryce Canyon, but also managed to crack a rib mountain biking.

We had a great vacation in Hawaii, despite my cracked rib. Kauai turned out to be a blessing that we had not expected. We stayed at a lovely place, soaked in the natural beauty, and ate lots of just made chocolate (one of the friends we were with was taking a bean-to-bar chocolate making class, so we got to test lots of samples). I even go to attend a workshop and observe how chocolate is made from the bean to bar. And I feel like I could munch on raw (fermented but not roasted) chocolate beans all day.

After Kauai, we spent a few days on Maui. When we booked the trip I also booked a boat trip – with Sail Maui – to Molokini. We had done the same trip the first time we went to Maui, but the wind direction meant that we didn’t make it to Molokini. This time, the winds were calm, and coming from the right direction that we did get to Molokini – which had some pretty cool snorkelling, but too many people as it is a prime tour boat destination. Along the way, we got to see whales, a couple up close – as we were watching one out front on the bow, another popped up right behind the boat surprising everyone. The two of them swam beside the boat and then went under the trampoline that we were standing on (it was a catamaran). It was all very exciting – and let to an amazing day. The trip had many amazing days, all of them in different ways.

By the time our vacation came to an end, we were ready to be home. I was re-energized and ready to jump into work and dissertation writing … and then, I woke up with a sore throat … the cold that had been going around had caught up to me. Unfortunately, this cold went to my lungs pretty quickly, and turned into a nasty case of bronchitis, which as knocked me down at a time when I have a lot of work to do – classes start on Monday and I am prepping two courses, one that I have not taught before. So I’m trying to get that done while hoping I can speak for long enough without coughing to record presentations. Ugg…

So this brings me back to the survivorship badge … I took on the survivor label after treatment because it is the term that everyone uses. After watching my friend die, I feel more like a survivor. I am here, she is not. Part of my role as a survivor is to hold her in my memory. I am thankful for our friendship.

My survivor badge is one that contains the memories of all the friends that I have today because of my cancer diagnosis – and the friends I have lost. I think I have earned that badge many times over.

What would your survivor badge contain?

Feature image: View from Hindu monastery on Maui  © Rebecca Hogue.

I am surprised by how tired I am. Then I remember myself, my body is healing. It is working overtime to try to compensate for the broken rib. Also, pain is tiring. You add those two things together and I find myself sleeping longer and wanting afternoon naps.

I am struck by the oddness associated with feeling the area around my broken rib. I can feel the pain in my sternum and under my breast. When I roll my shoulders back I can feel a tightness in the muscle that runs under my breast. But I have no feeling in the breast tissue (note that my breasts are not breasts, but rather fat that has been relocated from my stomach). For the first time in four years I have feeling in that area. It is like the nerves under the fat have awoken. The sensation is really odd.

One thing that the numbness makes easier, but is also worrisome, is that I don’t feel the chill of the icepack when I am icing the rib. I can feel it a little below my breasts, but the part that is touching the breast has no sensation. I say worrisome, in that I don’t know if I am overcooling it.

When I first injured myself, I found myself worrying. I was paranoid that the injury might do something to cause my flap to tie (that is the relocated tissue). With the pain I really expected bruising. I was afraid that I would see a big bruise and that it would turn into fat necrosis. Now, I don’t even know if that is something that could happen. I know there are lots of worries early on when the blood flow is still establishing and things are healing, but I’m four years out and well healed from the surgery. I was surprised that I did not see any bruising given the amount of pain I was in.

I did ice when we got back to the van (riding my bike for another 30 minutes after falling!). I also iced the next day after hiking for 4-miles. I thought things were starting to heal, but then we had to pack the van up, and when I went to move something, I felt something move in an odd way – kind of like a knot in a muscle can be moves when you push on it – only I wasn’t pushing, I was bending over. It didn’t immediately bring pain, but shortly afterwards the pain increased.

I wasn’t sure if the increase in pain was related to altitude changes – we had been up at 8000 feet and drove over a 10000 ft pass, and were gradually descending down to 3000 feet at our overnight campsite. We stopped in town to get some instant ice (I hate disposable things, but in the van in the middle of no where the instant ice is handy). I iced throughout the day when I wasn’t the one driving. The pain didn’t get any better – and was not better the next day either. I booked an apt to see my doctor – which led to the x-ray and diagnosis of a fracture on my sixth rib. I went onto the internet to figure out where the 6th rib was – right under my breast at the bra line … hmmm… things started to make sense. The weird sensation that I felt on the 26th was right about where the break is. Knowing the location also helps me know where I should be concentrating my icing efforts.

I’m now wearing a rib brace when I’m awake. It helps a little. The doc said to wear it only if it helps relieve the pain. Since rib 6 is in the middle, the alignment and stability is mostly done by the ribs around it. As the soreness of the surrounding area subsides (with the break, there was also straining of the costal cartilage where the ribs attach to the sternum), the brace will become unnecessary.

But I go back to the title of the post. I am surprised by just how tired it is making me, but also how weird it feels to have sensation in an area under my breast tissue – an area that I had thought of as completely numb.

Feature image CC-BY via OpenStax College [CC BY 3.0], via Wikimedia Commons

I am glad that 2018 is over. It has not been the best of years for me, especially the last half.

I don’t do new years resolutions, but I do want to share some goals for the new year.

This year my goals are:

• To finish my PhD
• To get into better physical shape
• To get better at mountain biking – which means I first need to heal from my broken rib! oops
• To spend more time in nature
• To develop more of a portfolio of instructional design teaching and work
• To reconnect with a lot of my online friends / colleagues – I feel that with everything happening last year, I had to disengage and I’m looking forward to re-engaging

I also want to worry less about recurrence. I have written before about how I seem to panic right around the time I have a doctor’s appointment. I don’t want that. I want to live my mantra – In the absence of a diagnosis I am healthy!

What goals do you have for the coming year?

Feature image by Marco Verch via Flickr.