A friend said to me the other day “you need to get some friends who aren’t dying”. True that. The disadvantage to working from home and having free time to hike during the day is that the friends that I hang out with are those who have metastatic breast cancer, and are at some point going to die. But that isn’t really the source of this loneliness. The loneliness I’m having now has more to do with the loss of my parents.
Hiking yesterday I was able to cry for the first time in a few weeks. I was able to figure out part of what I was feeling. My thoughts were “who is going to be proud of me now?” It is that sense that when I make a great accomplishment, that I want to share that with my parents. There is a feeling that they are proud of me. And I am feeling that loss right now. That loss of a sense that when I do something great, that my parents will be proud.
The loneliness is in part in the knowing that I cannot just pick up the phone and Facetime with mom anymore. When dad died, I could lean on mom. But now with mom gone, I am feeling alone. I know that I have family still. I am just feeling that emptiness that goes along with grief. I cry for a bit and then the resiliency in me kicks in and I look to things I can do to reconnect to the world.