I’ve always really hated the expression – ‘the new normal’. When I was first diagnosed, I was often told ‘cancer changes you’, but I was also told that at some point I would come to understand what my ‘new normal’ was. For a long time I fought the idea. I don’t want a new normal, I want my old normal back!
I went to the gym today. For the first time since taxol, I was able to do a workout on the bike that actually made me sweat. It felt good. I did my strength training routine, and again, it felt good (other than the itchy abdominal pad that is currently on my belly to soak up any seepage from my open stomach wound). I want this good feeling to be my normal feeling.
As with any journey, as this phase comes to an end, I’m left with flashbacks from the past. With our Going East journey, the flashbacks were pleasant memories of places we visited on our journey, memories of people we met and food we ate. It was all good. With this journey, the memory that sticks in my mind the most, was not when I was told that I had cancer, but rather, the FaceTime conversation with my mother. Looking at her and bursting into tears, she asks me “is something wrong?”, and I have to say out loud for the first time “I have breast cancer”. The memory still brings tears to my eyes.