BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: tired

  • Changing cues

    I’ve always been highly aware of my body. I know when it needs iron, I know when it needs food, I know when it needs electrolytes. At least I used to.

    Now, I’m finding that not all my normal cues are there – so I don’t know what my body needs. I find myself tired in the morning only to realize that I haven’t eaten anything. I usually wait to eat until I feel hungry, but I’m not getting that hunger cue anymore. It is not that I’m nauseated (although that is an issue early in the chemo cycle), it is more just a loss of general appetite. My body is not signaling that I should eat. Once I start eating, I enjoy food and get more energy – I just need to remember to eat!

    So today has been a slow day. I went off to the grocery store having not eaten anything, and had little energy. When I got home, I made a point to eat, which made me feel a fair bit better. Unfortunately, I think the groceries were a little too heavy, and I lifted more than I should – such that my incision from the biopsy started bleeding a little. Rather than go out and get gas for the car, or run other errands, I opted for a nap on an ice pack – which kept getting interrupted by knocks on the door and text messages … so I shall try again … nap on an ice pack. I’m also cooking a few things up for dinner tonight and to have as food for tomorrow (chemo day).

  • Variable days

    I’m finding that my days are rather variable. If you ask me mid-day if it is a good day, I will likely have a different option than in the morning or in the evening.

    Sunday is a good example. I woke up early, unable to sleep. I wrote a blog post, but then I found myself feeling tired and generally not feeling great. So I decided a needed to climb back into bed. I decided to cancel sailing because I just could not image driving to San Fran, sailing for 2.5 hours, and driving back. It was more than I could mentally handle.

    After another 2 hours sleep, I awoke with a crazy headache, took Tylenol and had a cup of coffee. That inspired another ’bout of writing. I wrote several blog posts on Sunday! Feeling energetic, I went for a bike ride – 31 km on my road bike – to be fair, my road bike is my easiest bike to ride, so 31 km on my ‘bent is not the same as 31 km on my road bike – but still, it was a solid 90 minutes of riding. It felt great to be back at my pre-chemo strength. That evening we even walked over to the bank (6.5 km) – more than I thought I’d be able to do when we set out (I figured I’d turn around part way).

    So, looking at the morning would not have provided insight into just how my day would go. I’m finding this to be a bit of a trend. I can never tell how well the day will go.

    This morning started with an MRI guided biopsy of the small mass in my left breast. This was not 100% necessary, but recommended in order to allow maximum flexibility when it comes to surgery. I also just want to know. I feel like three is my number – it is the number I use to meditate, the number of strokes I count when I swim, the number of bikes I have – it resonates with me.  I have three masses in my breasts, two have proven to be cancer. I want to know if the third is also cancer, and if the third is the same kind of cancer. If it is, it just means that something when crazy in my body and spontaneously cancer grew – it is not a sign of spread – as with this type of cancer, it is each one growing at the about the same time.

    After my last MRI experience (weird machine), I knew a lot more about what to expect. I asked for things to help make myself more comfortable during the procedure. I took a Lorazepam just before the procedure, so I was mostly dopy and sleepy throughout – much better than being stressed and claustrophobic – although this MRI machine was different – it was much bigger and had open sides. They get you positioned, put you in for a scan, roll you out, put in the needle based on the images, roll you back in and scan to make sure the needle is in the right place, roll you out to do the biopsy, move the need for the marker, roll you in to check that things are in the right place, put in the marker (a little piece of metal in the shape of a M), then roll you in again for one last image of the marker placement. Then after they bandage you up, they ship you over to mammography for a gentle mammogram of the marker – as a baseline reference.

    I requested all the images back when I requested the original MRI images, so I should receive them in the mail sometime in the next couple of weeks.

    I found myself so tired on the drive home (after we stopped for lunch) that I actually slept in the car. When I got home, I slithered into bed and promptly slept for 3.5 hours. I guess I needed that.

    This evening I’m feeling good. No real pain from the biopsy. Even managed to get some work done. Tomorrow is chemo prep day – so need to get to bed soon so that I am well rested for the various errands that need to be run prior to chemo and the following less productive days. Unfortunately, the biopsy means no strenuous activity for 3 days and no swimming for a week. We shall re-visit that with the oncologist on Wednesday, as I will really really really want to be in the pool on Friday if I have the same reaction to neulasta. I got the OK on sauna use from the MRI doctor (radiologist) who also said if things are healing well I may be OK for the pool on Friday (one week is the party line but not everyone needs the full week). So cycle two won’t align with my ideal exercise plans, but we shall go with what the body wants/needs at any given time. It is what it is.

  • In for an emotional day (maybe)

    I’m happy to report that the worst of the bone pains has passed. Once the nurse called me back, she looked into it, and advised that I could take an NSAID (like ibuprofen) for the pain. I have stronger NSAID for my arthritis, so I took one of them and within 30 minutes the pain had almost completely subsided.

    Yesterday was also my most tired day. I took a nap at 11am and woke up at 2pm. I clearly needed to spend the day mostly sleeping (although I did do yoga and go for a walk – albeit a short walk). Both the yoga and walk made me feel better – so as much as it is difficult to motivate at times, I know that getting out and exercising does make me feel better.

    Today I get to go swimming again. The nurse explained that the bone pain is caused by the overproduction of white blood cells being pushed out from the bone marrow into the blood. Since there are a lot all of a sudden, this causes pain – but it also is a sign of the rebound. So with the pain stopping (I’m sitting writing this with no medication in me – so it isn’t the medication dulling the pain, rather then pain being finished), my blood counts should be back up which means swimming is back on the agenda (yay).

    So, if chemo is day 1 (we are recalibrating to a 1 offset rather than 0 as that is what most of the health folks do) then day 11 is my rebound day. I think I will create a graph which will allow me to better forecast symptoms and see if cycle 2 is similar. If I understand this correctly (crossing fingers), I’m not in recovery mode until the next treatment, which has been pushed to Wednesday because my oncologist is on vacation. Currently, the schedule has round three moving back to Monday, but I cannot imagine going back in to chemo at day 12, so we will definitely need to put that out. I may be strong, but I don’t need to unnecessarily push myself for the convenience of someone else’s schedule.

    I mention in the title that today may be an emotional one. Today I get my head shaved. If you haven’t done chemo you may not understand this idea of proactively shaving your head. There are a couple of reasons for it. The practical reason is that hair falling out in clumps is a pain. The second, more important one, is an exercise in control. If I’m going to lose my hair then I am going to control when it happens. Control is a huge issue with cancer, as it is one of the things you lose. You lose a lot of control over how your body is growing, how it reacts, and the various schedules of appointments and such. So, when you have an opportunity to take control and do something on your own terms, it can be important for some people to take control. I admit it, I’m a control freak. I like to plan things and I am already struggling with my inability to plan the exact dates of our Hawaii trip because I have no clue how I will be feeling.

    And so, I am taking control of my hair, and having it shaved today. Scott will get his head shaved too. We’ll take a fun selfie when it is done! I’m looking forward to seeing what it feels like to have my head rubbed, the same way I like to rub Scott’s head right after a hair cut!

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