Tag: nature

Not talking = not blogging

I’m amused that over the last few days it has been extremely difficult for me to talk, and somehow that has resulted in me not blogging.

I find myself wondering if it is because I cannot even talk to myself! But then, I usually write in my head.

Truthfully, it is probably because I haven’t done much over the last few days but watch TV and sleep, so I don’t really have much to write about (or talk about).

My mouth sores got bad enough for me to ask for stronger drugs. I have been taking liquid morphine for the last couple of days – originally every 2-3 hours, but now I’ve backed off a bit. I slept through most of last night, which has gone a long way to helping me heal. Prior to that I was waking up hourly (or after morphine every 3-hours) with sharp mouth pain. The sore on the back of my mouth where the bottom of my tongue attaches is the worst. Simple things like eating, talking, even licking my lips are not possible – and the difficulty in clearing food from my mouth and brushing my teeth! So many everyday things we do with our mouths.

But, it is getting better. I no longer feel like my tongue is too big for my mouth – it fits again. The roof of my mouth is still rough, but no longer feels like super scratchy sandpaper – more like the fine grained black sandpaper.

I have a whole new empathy for those who have had severe side effects with chemo. I can appreciate so much more how people find exercise to be a challenge (having not done any since Tuesday).

My excuse for not exercising has been an inability to hydrate enough. On Tuesday I rode my bike out to my eye doctor appointment, and I struggled with the heat and inability to suck water from my water bottle. The food I had brought with me to help keep up my energy stung when I tried to eat it. In addition to pain from motion, I found that I could not eat anything that was the slightest bit acidic or salty. Fortunately, after the appointment Scott could pick me up afterwards and take me home.

Today I’m going to go to support group, knowing that few people are apt to be there on the long weekend, and I cannot really talk. It will be nice (assuming it is even open) to see familiar faces and just be in the space with people.

We had originally planned to go on a bit of a bike adventure on Sunday – taking the train to downtown San Francisco and riding towards home – however, that microadventure plan is now on hold. We may try it in a couple of weeks if the new chemo regime doesn’t take too much out of me (it is supposed to be easier, but the first couple of weeks might be difficult). Instead, tomorrow we will venture out to the coast for a walk on the beach. It has been a while since I’ve been out to see the ocean (rather than the Bay, which we see almost daily). I look forward to the smells and the sound of the rolling and crashing waves.

Sat August 30, 2014
An awesome package – What you’ve done with your hair

I received an awesome care package yesterday (thanks Jen). The awesomeness began with the card, which is theme for this mostly picture post.

Receiving energy from the ancient tree while out on a short walk.

Trying to capture just how big the tree at our campsite was.

And giving it a morning hug!

Mon August 11, 2014
A perfect morning

It’s 8 am, infants are crying, jays are squawking, there is a fine mist as the park is covered in morning fog from the ocean. It is a perfect morning at Big Basin Redwoods State Park.

Scott has actually fallen back to sleep. This is my time, first thing in the morning. I crawl out of the tent at about 6:30am, my sore back making it impossible for me to sleep any longer. I make my morning cup of coffee and read my book in peace as the campground around me begins to awaken.

I was worried about how I would sleep in the tent. It turns out I actually had one of the best nights sleep since the last round of chemo. The fresh air certainly helps, but also, with the air mattress and thermarest combo that I use, I was actually able to sleep part of the night on my stomach, something that I haven’t done in a long time.

As I write, the pretty jays are harassing each other around the campsite (you can see a couple in the tree on the right side of the picture). The make an awful noise and they are true pests. They eat the eggs and babies of the endangered marbled murrelets which nest in the area. The campsite is “crumb clean” and leaving any garbage or food out can get you an $850 fine! This year they started handing out fines and increasing the awareness campaign – but it may already be too late. There are a lot of these pesky Jays around.

In addition to the jays, and screaming children, you can hear the occasional woodpecker pecking at nearby trees.

What we didn’t see last night, a pleasant surprise, was raccoons. Last time we camped up here they were real pests (if you leave your car door unlatched, they will open it! Fortunately, we had our dinner before dusk and all food was safely stored before racoon time.

Next to the picnic table is a ring of ancient redwoods (a fairy circle). The ring is formed when an old tree dies and feeds a series of new growth. These younger trees are likely over 1000 years old themselves. It is pure magic and exactly what I needed in this moment.

And of course I need to include the requisite morning selfie.

Sun August 10, 2014
Picturing a walk

Yesterday we went for a 6km walk along the Guadeloupe trail which runs just behind our condo complex.

For the first part of the walk, I took the lower path hoping to get better pictures of the birds.

Unfortunately, the grasses along the river grow so tall that I couldn’t actually see the river through the grass in most places. What I did notice was that sounds were more isolated, so I could hear the song birds a lot more. It was low tide, so the ‘river’ which is rather brackish at this point was mostly mud flats.

I did catch a glimpse of the egret who appears to be rather timid. As I got close, he decided to fly up into a tree.

While Scott and I were both on the lower path, he stayed up in the tree, posing for us.

We did manage to catch him a little later down in the water.

On the way back we walked along the upper path.

And thought this sign was particularly well designed.

The end 🙂

Sun August 3, 2014
Early morning walks

One advantage to being wide awake at 5am is the ability to go out for a walk before the sun rises. Early morning walks mean I don’t need to cover my head or arms – I can walk and enjoy the feel of the light breeze against my skin.

This morning, I walked with Scott along my favourite part of the Guadeloupe trail, which runs right behind our apartment. About 1.5 km from our apartment, there is a pair of lovely white birds (some kind of crane, I believe they are egrets). They must be nesting in the area, as I’ve seen them almost every time I ride or walk along the path. I like to walk or ride to visit ‘my birds’ in the morning. There is also another large bird that we were not able to identify – perhaps a great blue heron. It’s colours are such that it would be very difficult to get a picture, as it almost blends into the background. I’ve seen it fly along the river on one of my bike rides. This morning, it was nice to share the experience with Scott (I’m usually biking or walking alone).

With the overcast sky and cool breeze I found myself enjoying the wind on my arms. I’d hold my arms up in the air, reminding me of cormorants by the sea holding out their wings to warm them up after a deep dive. At that hour, we had the path mostly to ourselves. There were a few joggers that passed us, smiling, or nodding. No one seem to notice (or care) that I was lacking hair!

Sun July 27, 2014
Doing Better

Thank-you everyone for your support during my meltdown phase. I know that I shall have more meltdowns, as they are a natural part of this process. I was actually getting concerned that I had not had one. They are like earthquakes, if you don’t have smaller ones for a while, you end up with a big one. I had a small meltdown during the first chemo treatment, but it wasn’t the ‘big one’ that I knew I had coming. Sunday night was much more of a big meltdown.

I’m highly aware of my emotional state and generally doing what I can to avoid depression. I know that depression is often a ‘normal’ part of a cancer diagnosis. I’ve suffered from depression before, so I know what it feels like, but also, have a sense of when I need to ask for help (or at least I think I do). I know that if I don’t re-bound, then I need to consider anti-depressants – but I’m hoping to avoid that. Shorts bouts of meltdown and crying are OK and even healthy – but if I cannot recover from them, then I know I need help. I will try to avoid anti-depressant medication if I can, but if I feel the need I’m also not opposed to taking it. It just adds one more thing to my list, and unlike most of my current medications, anti-depressants are not “as needed”, rather they require a regular regime with severe side effects for missed / late doses.

After dropping Scott off at the airport for his business trip yesterday morning, Mom and I went for a nice drive along the California coast (Pacifica to Half Moon Bay), stopped for lunch at the Ritz Carleton Half Moon Bay (a bit disappointing, so we won’t repeat that but it was still a nice visit with Mom), and then home along Skyline Boulevard (top of the Santa Cruz Mountain Range). It was nice to take a day off and do some touristy type stuff.

Today I have a dermatologist appointment (follow up from the emergency visit the other day). I’m happy to report that after a day of treatment with creams, my hands are almost completely recovered, with barely a sign of the initial blisters!

With the improvements, I’m going to go for a short bike ride this morning. I’m NOT going to overdo it. I will take out my recumbent so there is little pressure on my hands. I need the cardio in order to stay sane.

I should be on my “low” right now from a blood count level. I don’t actually feel that tired – I’m actually feeling remarkably well. I’m waiting for the ‘brick to drop’ in that some people experience bone pain when the chemo wears off and the neulesta (white blood cell booster) suddenly kicks in. So far, crossing fingers, I’m good.

Tue July 15, 2014
Nature has more beauty

Someone in one of my networks commented that after diagnosis, nature has more beauty. That suddenly you are more aware of the beauty that surrounds you. I’ve definitely noticed that when I go out riding or walking. I’m finding the bike path behind our place particularly beautiful these days.

Today, rather than riding (it was a hot day here), we waited until it started to cool off and went for a nice long walk (dug out the pedometer – 7500 steps). When we ride up on the path we noticed a natural area between the path and the street. Today we walked through that area. Many of the plants are labelled and there are several information plaques throughout. Apparently, it is the last “forest” area in Santa Clara. Santa Clara is bordered by the San Francisco Bay in the north and cities on all other sides (Milpitas, San Jose, Sunnyvale, Cupertino, Campbell, etc).

We came across a grove of old eucalyptus trees. In this photo you can see the different phases of their life cycle – shedding layers of old bark to allow the new growth. Every time I see this I think, that is soon to be me, shedding my hair, nails, and other fast growing body parts (and tumors), to allow for new healthy growth. I am very curious what colour my new hair will be!

Walking back along the path, with heightened senses I noticed a family of snails on the shrubs that bordered the path. After noticing the first bunch, we realized that there were families of snails on the shrubs all along the path. We have walked this path several times and never noticed them before. Of course, my heightened senses might also be attributable to my new glasses, that let me actually see clearly at that distance – but still – I’m sure there is also an aspect of the cancer that I can attribute to this perception.

Tue July 1, 2014
The Cactus Garden

Today was mostly a quiet day, with a great visit from a friend, and a quick trip up to Stanford for an EKG (baseline prior to chemo). Since I arrived early, they seem to have a habit of telling me my appointments are 20-30 minutes before they actually schedule the appointment, I took the extra half hour to take a closer look at the cactus garden. Just before the garden, there are a bunch of trees that have been relocated into giant transplant containers. They are building a new hospital, so there is construction everywhere. Apparently, they try to save a lot of the trees during construction, and replant them when the buildings are finished.

I find it interesting that Royal Roads University has a rose garden, and Stanford University has a cactus garden.

And of course the requisite selfie in front of my tree :-), I notice that it is starting to loose a little more of its bark. Thanks Maha for the lovely scarves – this one does a great job hiding my port incision.

Sat June 28, 2014