Tag: hair

New hair day

I’m a little obsessed with my hair. Not in a need to be a fashionista kinda of way, just in a way in which my hair fell out, and the way in which it is recovering from the effects of chemotherapy.

Yesterday I got my first hair style in years (too many really). Even before cancer, I had pretty consistent hair style for about 3 years, and then with cancer I lost all my hair. So, it is a bit of a milestone to get a new haircut that wasn’t about trimming off the post-chemo frizz.

I have to say I’m really happy with the way it turned out. The stylist actually listened to me when I told him “I’m a wash and wear kind of gal”. I don’t even own a blow dryer or hair iron of any sort. So to have something that looks decent and doesn’t require a lot of maintenance is awesome.

I’m also not someone who typically wears make up. I never have been. But I noticed in all the video conferencing that I do that I don’t like how my face looks. I realized that something was not quite right. My eyebrows didn’t really recover from the chemo loss. I have eyebrows but not thick ones. This means that when I sweat, it drips into my eyes – which is exceedingly frustrating, but I also realized that in head shots, not having eyebrows makes my face look round and chubby. It took me quite a while to realize it was the lack of eyebrows that made me feel like I didn’t look right. And so, with that realization, I bought an eyebrow pencil/brush thing. I’ve started to fill in my eyebrows when I know I’m going to be online or going out to visit people (although not for hiking, as then I’d just get eyebrow make up in my eyes!

I find this new obsession with hair to be interesting. It isn’t just hair on my head, rather hair all over my body. When my arm hairs grew back they came up in every which direction. My original arm hair grew all one way. It felt tamed. Although no one other than me sees my arm hair (unless I show them), it still is something that is different. In some ways it is fascinating, in others it is just odd.

Fri December 2, 2016
An awesome package – What you’ve done with your hair

I received an awesome care package yesterday (thanks Jen). The awesomeness began with the card, which is theme for this mostly picture post.

Receiving energy from the ancient tree while out on a short walk.

Trying to capture just how big the tree at our campsite was.

And giving it a morning hug!

Mon August 11, 2014
My bald head

There are times when I find myself wanting to cover my head in something stylish – and I like looking good. There are times when I run out to take out the garbage and I cover my head so as not to scare or make uncomfortable anyone who I might happen to cross paths with in the corridors of the condo.

Today, when I was out sailing, I mostly wore a buff and my Tilley hat.
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I usually wear my Tilley hat sailing, so anyone who has seen me before would not notice any difference. There was a brief moment when I took my hat off for a picture – cause I really wanted a picture with the waves and my bald head – mostly for posterity. But I also wanted to feel the wind on my head. At this point, it was easier to put my buff and hat back on, as I needed my hands to hold onto the boat!

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But, towards the end of the sail, when it was a little less windy and cold, I found myself wanting (craving) to talk off my hat so I could experience the feeling of the wind on my skull. I love the feel of the wind on my bare head. But I didn’t. I was afraid of how the people around me would react. I was not afraid of showing my bare head, but I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.

When in the car, I often strip off my head scarf. It is either too hot, and I want to cool down, or I’m on a slower road and I want to drive with the windows down. Again, that feeling of breeze on my bare skull is delightful. When I’m in the car, I’m not worried about how my baldness might make others feel (even when stopped at intersections). I’m conscious about it, but not worried about it.

When I had a shaved head, I didn’t worry about it. I often went out without covering up. But now, my head is patchy. It is mostly bald, but still has some patchy bits of hair. Sometimes when I swim, I don’t worry about it and just go bare. Last time I swam, I wore my swim cap. I was OK with changing from my buff to my swim cap at the pool, and I even used the pool shower and exposed my naked head (but found myself hoping that when someone walked by that they didn’t look my way). But I didn’t walk to or from the pool with a bare head.

So I’m of mixed feelings right now. There are times when I want to look fashionable that I am happy to have my head covered in a pretty scarf/buff/whatever. It is a part of the outfit and actually dresses up what I’m wearing. However, there are times when, I would rather not bother covering up. Although, from a practicality perspective, I do need to concern myself with sun protection. My bare head cannot go out in the sun for any length of time, but it certainly craves being exposed for short periods of time (and I do hate wearing a buff under my bike helmet, but I need the sun protection).

So I wonder, how much should I worry about what other people might think? Do I worry about the discussions parents might need to have with their children after seeing me? Is that something that I should even care about?

Mon August 4, 2014
Picturing a morning sail

This morning we headed off to San Francisco for a morning sail on USA 76 with ACSailingSF. We almost missed the boat, arriving just as they were about to cast off. Fortunately, we got there just in time, and they nicely sent someone up to fetch us at the gate.

Hopping on the boat, I was immediately happy. After a little bone pain yesterday, I wasn’t sure I’d have the energy to get out sailing – but rather than it tiring me, sailing refreshed me. It was nice and windy (at least at first) so we had an excellent, and thrilling up wind leg.

We brought the new GoPro, which I spent some time playing with. Unfortunately, most of my pictures involve either my fingers or the string tether in the corner of the camera. Since you cannot see what you are taking a picture of, I didn’t quite realize it. So, I’ve chosen a few pictures that turned out pretty well.

Scott resting after having been one of the grinders raising the main.

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Under sail!

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Playing with selfies on the Go Pro.

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Some video of Scott grinding as we tack on the up wind leg.

I enjoyed some time right up at the front being reminded regularly with mist that we were on a body of salt water!

At one point I even took off my hat and buff to feel the wind on my bare skull and of course get a bald head picture 🙂

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After our sail, we had lunch with some friends on Pier 39. Overall, a great way to spend a Sunday.

Mon August 4, 2014
Bone-pain – a mixed blessing

When I didn’t experience a lot of fatigue or any bone-pain yesterday, I felt it was a mixed blessing. I wondered if the reason I wasn’t feeling it was because I had successfully managed the side effects (although that doesn’t describe the lack of fatigue) or was it that the Neulasta shot that came via express scripts (mailed) wasn’t stored properly such that it was ineffective?

This morning, when I started to feel the initial twinges of bone pain, I felt a bit of relief but also a bit of concern. The Neulasta is definitely working. This is a good thing. But everything seems to be running a day late (probably because of the later in the day infusion time). This means that my day early third infusion may feel like two days early infusion, and that would really suck. So, I’m crossing my fingers that the delayed onset was really just me managing the side effects better.

In looking at my medications records, it appears I did not take my NSAID before bed last night. I highly recommend the Dosecast app (available on both Android and iOS) for tracking when you actually take medication. I can never remember what pill I took when, so every time I take something I just click the “take” button in Dosecast. I can then look up when I took what, and I can print out a 30-day summary for my doctors. So when my primary care doc asked how often I was taking the heartburn medication, I could just show that particular medication to him on my phone. Very handy.

I’ve now taken my NSAID but cannot sit until it takes effect. I’m typing this from my husbands standing desk (handy that he has it!). I’m about to go out for a training walk with my iPod – which now has Warrior by Scandal loaded on it in addition to my regular mix of Bon Jovi and Bryan Adams. My walk may turn more into a moving dance than a walk!

In other notes, I’m going bald and my eyebrows are thinning. People say “you still have your eyebrows” as it seems mostly that I am the only that notices the difference. They look manicured now, and I haven’t waxed them in years! Last night when I pulled on my sleeping t-shirt I felt all prickly on the neck. I discovered that the act of pulling the shirt over my head dislodged a bunch of the remaining head stubble and embedded in the shirt collar. I had to put a buff on my head (head scarf) before putting on a clean shirt, so that I didn’t end up with hair in my shirt collar again! What is interesting is that I do seem to have a layer of baby fuzz on my head. So the hair that is falling out is being replaced with baby fuzz hair. It looks like I have more bald patches than hair patches now but the fuzz means it doesn’t feel that way.

Apply sunscreen to my head results in a hand full of little hairs!

I am reminded with each new experience to that I am approaching this chemo thing (and cancer thing) with a sense of curiosity, and that is what is keeping me sane. Now I’m off for a walk/dance 🙂

Sat August 2, 2014
My improved body image

I find it interesting that ever since my diagnosis, I have found that I have an improved body image. Sure I am carrying a few more pounds than I would like, but I am proud of the way my body looks. I rocked the buzz cut! Now with my hair patchy and falling out, I find myself dressing up a lot more to go out. When I visit friends or go to doctors appointments, I wear nicer cloths and dangly earrings. I’m getting a bit obsessed about buying different things to wear on my head that (get this) actually compliment the clothes that I’m wearing. I’ve never been that fashion conscious before!

But each day, I also read Facebook posts in the amazing Flat and Fabulous group about women who are afraid to walk outside their doors after surgery. They are constantly worried cautious about how they look. They fight every day with negative body images, and struggle because they don’t want ‘yet one more surgery’ to clean things up. Some live in physical pain, while others the pain is mostly emotional. They struggle every day.

This worries me. I have never been happier with my body. So I’m worried about what it will look like after surgery, but also what the surgery will do to my sense of body image. I want to keep this feeling I have now. I don’t want it to ever go away. I want to always be proud of my body, and happy with my body the way it is.

Since my diagnosis, and I started this blog, I’ve used the expression “my breasts are now public domain”. I talk freely about them. I have even posted an MRI picture of the cancers in my left breast. If I were back in Ottawa I would have asking all my girlfriends to feel my left breast, so that they too would know exactly what breast cancer ‘felt’ like (as part of my public service announcement). As an educator, I am now in a position to educate people about what it means to have breast cancer. But I have to highlight that I’m an exception to the rule. My self-confidence and my current body image is not the norm. For too many women this is an everyday struggle, and I find that sad. And everyday I hope that surgery doesn’t change my current view of my body image!

Fri August 1, 2014
Moving forward

I now have a surgery date – December 17th. It isn’t exactly the date I wanted, but it is something that I can work with. With that in place, I can now start to move forward with my life.

Over the last week I have started to move beyond my diagnosis. My life is becoming less about cancer-Becky and I am looking at a re-emergence as academic-Rebecca. I have talked to my supervisor and put a plan in place that will allow me to move forward with my PhD. I’ve talked to the very supportive folks at the Department of Family Medicine who are also onboard to help me move forward. I am thankful for all the support I’m getting.

But the whole idea is still rather difficult. I’ve had to turn down a couple of conference presentations – the most recent being Dev Learn – which is disappointing, but there is no way I could travel to Vegas during chemo and present at a conference. It would be too much. I’ve decided that I’ll try a near-by conference first – one in Berkeley where I’ve had a poster accepted. I can get to Berkeley in 2 hours via public transit. It will be my first academic conference post-surgery (end of February), and I most likely won’t have hair. I have nice outfits that I can wear that will work with a flat chest, if I choose not to wear foobs, but I haven’t thought yet about what I shall do about my head. The whole idea of conferencing seems a little overwhelming right now – and yet I know it is something that I need to do as part of my re-emergence.

In this re-emergence, I am already thinking about my new identity – and how much I might want my identities to overlap. I’m considering a proposal for the Canadian Conference on Medical Education (CCME) relating to this blog, my experience as a cancer patient, but also my role as a non-physician medical educator. I’m not sure what that presentation would look like yet – I need to do some more consultations with friends and colleagues in the medical education field, and with any luck find one or more people interested in collaborating on something. I feel like there is something important to be learned in this process, I just don’t know what it is yet. I’d like to talk about the power of social media as a cancer patient – perhaps the role of social media in cancer patient education – and what medical students, residents, and physicians can learn from the new ‘connected’ patient experience.

My forward moving may get delayed now and then – and I certainly am not moving at the same pace as I was before diagnosis or chemo – I am glad, however, to be making some progress.

Wed July 30, 2014
Breast cancer, chemotherapy, and sexuality

A question that comes up on various breast cancer online communities relates to sex and breast cancer – and more specifically sex and chemotherapy.

I have been fortunate, in that several years ago, both my husband and I were trained as Adult Our Whole Lives (OWL) Sexuality educators. I have also been trained to lead the Senior High program. Both these programs are about learning about and learning how to talk about sexuality. They teach age appropriate ways in which to discuss and discover our bodies.

So, when asked about sexuality and chemotherapy, I was not afraid to offer up some advice. First off, check with your oncologist about your specific regime, as the body excretes chemo differently, and you do not want to put your partner at risk. There are times during chemo when it is not advised to have intercourse (but you can still cuddle and play).

My first bit of advice, is to remember your teenage/20s and learn to play again – If you have the chance to play before chemo, try out different types of condoms. If you find regular condoms uncomfortable, try the latex free ones. Some people (either gender) can find that they are sensitive to latex making it very uncomfortable. There are non-latex options available. Also experiment with lots of lubricant. There are many types available, some work better than others – you may react to some and not others. If a male partner is not liking the feel of the condom, try adding a drop or two of additional lube inside the condom. I’m told that helps with sensitivity. For women, use lots, with some help apply internally. If that doesn’t help, talk to your oncologist about vaginal dryness (this is a issue with chemo as well as anti-homone therapies) – there are medications/creams/etc available to help.

Typically, when you teach about sexuality you avoid personal sharing. The only personal sharing I will say is that we are having fun – we are remembering our younger years – and we are exploring my new body – rubbing shaved heads it kinds fun = although I’m not sure how much longer mine will have hair! Loss of hair is an exciting way to experience new sensations – so not everything about cancer needs to suck!

Fri July 25, 2014
Seriousness is sinking in

I’m starting to shed my hair. I noticed at first when I use the toilet, and then again when I dried my hair after the shower – seeing enough bits of hair in the towel that I had to throw it in the wash!

At Wednesday’s oncologist appointment, when I asked about surgery timing, specifying my desire to spend a week in Hawaii before surgery, the point was made not to push it too late. There is enough time for that week, but I should not plan on pushing surgery out 2-3 months. The comment was in the lines of “we’ve done all this chemo, don’t waste it”. This cancer won’t be killed that easily – even if the masses shrink to smaller sizes they need to be removed.

Yesterday, I got a short synopsis of the pathology of the third mass (the small one in my left breast). It is DCIS PR/HR+,HER2- with a small Ki-67 (<5%). This is sometimes called pre-cancerous or cancer in the duct itself, as it has not yet spread to the surrounding breast tissue. DCIS has a high likelihood of turning into IDC (which my other two masses are). So this is my magic number three cancer.

I say magic number three because that seems to be my meditation number. When I took swimming lessons last fall, the instructor has me breath after every three strokes. Ever since then, three seemed to be a better number for me for meditating. When I do yoga, I hold poses for three breaths, and when I try to calm my nerves to sleep I count my breathes 1-2-3 and then repeat. So three seems to be my number.

So, now that I have three cancers, it can stop there! No need to go any further!

My plan for a triathlon before surgery will likely need to be reschedule until after surgery. The window won’t be long enough for me to manage it and Hawaii at the same time – and Hawaii is definitely something I plan to do (Maui more specifically – easy to get to from here and an easy island to get around).

I do, however, have a new plan for after surgery. One of the wonderful ladies on the Flat and Fabulous Facebook group has inspired me to aim to trapeze at Club Med Cancun in the fall of 2015. I want to be fully recovered from surgery such that I can do something so crazy as swing from a trapeze – plus they have sailing and kayaking too … some nice serious activities that require upper body strength.

I am finding this process of hurdles not dissimilar to doing a PhD. At each phase there are additional hurdles to overcome. One bit of advice we are given in the PhD is to celebrate each hurdle as you complete it. My first hurdle is AC chemo. I’ve done two treatments, so one could say 1/2 way, but that would not be fair … as I still need to recover from this second treatment before I can truthfully call it done!

I am happy that I am starting to get some productive days back. My life isn’t all about cancer anymore. I am re-emerging into my academic life, trying to pull together as much as I can to make a dissertation out of my existing thesis project. I have a couple of things that need to happen in the fall that hopefully I can make happen. If they do, then I shall have enough data to turn it into something. I have learned a lot, and do have a lot to share – I just need close it off and put it all together.

So with the seriousness of this disease sinking in, what is also sinking in is my need to focus on the future – and on what comes afterwards (or at least what I’m going to do with the next year and a half that doesn’t involve chemo and cancer surgery).

Fri July 25, 2014
Things I love about a shaved head …

I find myself wondering if I will enjoy this as much when I’m bald as I am now? I am thankful that I look good with a shaved head. I go out without covering it – only covering it up when I’m out in the sun so that I don’t get a sunburn. With nothing on, it feels like I’m wearing a hat all the time – the thin layer of hair seems to have the same sensation as wearing a tight skull cap.

As I mentioned previously, I am enjoying the feeling of the wind in my hair when I am in the car with the windows rolled down. I almost want to stick my head out the window like a puppy dog! Unfortunately, I cannot stand the sounds of other cars, so this pleasure is reserved for when I’m driving on the back roads or side streets.

I find myself petting myself (rubbing my hand down the back of my head). The feeling never gets old – I catch myself doing it when stopped at a red light waiting for the light to change. I’ve also discovered that I love the feel of the cold water on my head when I first jump into the shower after swimming (it takes a good 5 minutes for our hot water to reach the ensuite bathroom). I used to make Scott shower first, as the cold water didn’t bother him – now I’m finding that I enjoy it so much that I jump in first!

And of course, it’s a lot of fun when Scott pets me too 🙂

Sat July 19, 2014