BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Category: Lymphedema

  • Radiation is a mental struggle

    Radiation is a mental struggle

    Radiation treatment, in theory, is easier than chemo. It is easier on your body – in that the physical side effects are skin issues and fatigue. You don’t need to deal with all the other side effects of chemotherapy. However, for chemo I only had to convince myself to go four times. I had four cycles of TC chemo, so I had to go four times.

    For radiation, I need to go 15 times. I need to convince myself that this is a good idea. I need to mentally prepare for the treatment each time. The treatment itself only takes a few minutes, and the last couple of times I’ve barely had enough time to change before they called me in. But I find it a mental struggle – it weighs heavy on me.

    So far, I haven’t really had any side effects, except for a little worsening of my lymphedema – which I cannot do much to treat until radiation is over. I’ve been trying to elevate my arm as much as I can, and that does seem to help. Since we live more than an hour away, we are staying in Halifax during my treatment. I’m taking advantage of being in the big city to see a different lymphedema specialist. She can help with a consultation on compression and can do a treatment on my left side, which has a little swelling

    I’ll also get that root canal fixed. I don’t know if I blogged about the failed root canal – I spent two hours in the dentist chair in Bridgewater but the dentist couldn’t find the second root, so I’ve been referred to an endodontist in Halifax. I called them today and I now have an appointment booked for next week. That will save us a special trip into Halifax just for that.

    We are also eating out – but trying not to eat out too much and to enjoy it when we do. Tonight we are going to Drift and tomorrow we are going to The Bicycle Thief. We brought food for some lunches and breakfasts – so we don’t need to each out all our meals. We tried the cafeteria at the hospital today because they gave us vouchers, but they didn’t have anything gluten free except pre packaged muffins. So Scott had a nice omelette and I had a muffin and coffee. We might try some of the other hospital cafeterias to see if they are any better.

    Overall things are going well – just a little stress to keep things interesting.

  • Radiation, Recall, and Lymphedema

    Radiation, Recall, and Lymphedema

    Today I start radiation treatment. It is a 15-session spread over 4 weeks. The first two sessions are this week, then for the next week and the week after, I go for 5 days. For this week, they are putting us up in a hotel that is a short walking distance to the treatment center. They also said they would pay for a taxi to bring me if I wasn’t up for walking. It really isn’t that far.

    Food is going to be a challenge – but this trip it is really only dinner and breakfast. My appointments will be done before lunch. We will likely want to eat before we leave town.

    I’m also hoping to get a couple of short cross country skis in. The recent snow means there are a bunch of places with a couple/few km of trails nearby. We will be closer to them in Halifax than we are in Bridgewater. We may detour through the valley on our way home as there are many more places to cross country ski there.

    I am experiencing some random chemo recall side effects. I think it is because my cells are all regenerating at the same time which means they are also dying at the same time. This is definitely clear with my eyebrows. They grow back and then they all fall out again. It takes a year or two before the growth gets staggered so they aren’t all falling out at the same time. Fortunately, I seem to have kept my eyelashes. I had mouth sores over the last few days – and I wonder if this is just another chemo recall side effect. Hopefully they won’t keep coming back every three to four weeks – that would be annoying.

    A couple of days ago my left hand began to swell. Fortunately it appears to be just in my hand on the left side. I’m completely swelled on the right side. With the start of radiation I can no longer do lymphatic drainage massage. That will wait until after radiation. I’m not sure how long after radiation I’ll have to wait before I can go back. So far I haven’t had a lot of success with compression therapy, but I’m hoping to find a compression solution that works. I have also been swimming, however, I’m not allowed to swim during radiation so that is now on hold as well. Hopefully my arm doesn’t swell too much while I go through treatment. I’m still looking for someone who can actually treat lymphedema as I feel like I’m largely left to manage it on my own – using trial and error rather than know what might actually work. I’m glad that this isn’t my first experience with it; otherwise, I’d be a lot more stressed about it.

  • Lymphedema

    Lymphedema

    Yesterday, I summarized the key points from our trip to Halifax to see the radiation oncologist. There were many different things discussed in that consultation and in my blog post that require further explanation.

    The first topic I want to address is lymphedema. Since I already have lymphedema on my right side, the oncologist informed me that it will worsen and become permanent. The surgery increased my risk, and radiation will further increase it. However, since I already have lymphedema, the radiation is not increasing the risk but rather the severity.

    I have heard before that my lymphedema was permanent, but I am skeptical about it. The lymphatic system is not well understood by many people.

    The last time I had lymphedema, it lasted about six months. During that time, I wore compression garments every day and swam almost every day. At that point, I was swimming about a mile. I believe these two factors contributed to the resolution of lymphedema in my left arm.

    Unfortunately, I am currently unable to swim, and wearing compression garments is making it worse. On Christmas Eve, I burned my arm while cooking (yes, it was the arm affected by lymphedema). The wound is still healing and still bleeds when I change dressings. It is almost healed, but I will not be able to swim until it is completely healed. Once it is, I plan to swim as much as possible.

    Another step I am taking is seeing a physiotherapist for manual lymph drainage. I have booked weekly visits for January and will evaluate the results afterwards.

    I am also engaging in virtual boxing. One of the things that brought me to tears in the doctor’s office was the thought that I would no longer be able to go boxing. I cannot box with lymphedema as the impact exacerbates it. However, I can still engage in virtual boxing. When I injured myself last year and couldn’t box, I purchased a Quest VR headset. Now, I use an app called Supernatural to box to music in visually appealing environments. It is a great workout that does not involve impact (there is minor haptic feedback from the hand grips, but no impact).

    During radiation treatment, I will not be able to swim or receive manual lymph drainage. Virtual boxing may still be possible, but it remains to be seen. I will simply have to accept the situation as it is.

    The oncologist recommended considering compression sleeves once everything has settled down. Chemo prevents it from healing, and radiation aggravates it. Once I have completed radiation, I will be able to focus on things that can improve the condition.

    Despite the doctor’s assertion that lymphedema is permanent, I choose not to believe it. Only time will tell which one of us is correct!

  • Radiation therapy

    Radiation therapy

    Went up to Halifax today to have a consult with the radiation oncologist. I was expecting to be told that they recommended wide spectrum prophylactic radiation for four to six weeks – which would be a more typical treatment regime for someone on original diagnosis who had a lumpectomy and positive lymph nodes. That isn’t me.

    Both the oncologist and resident were clear I was special – that it would be experience that guided treatment recommendations. There is no direct clinical evidence-based recommendation for my specific case.

    We first saw the resident – who was there on her first day – One thing she mentioned was the difference between “local” recurrence – which would be if it recurred in the skin of the breast or chest wall, as that is still breast, and a regional recurrence which is what it is in my case – where the cancer recurred (and mutated) in the lymph nodes.

    At one point the oncologist said we were dealing with a different cancer – in that it has a totally different pathology from my previous cancers – with lower estrogen receptor and the new HER2 positive receptor. So, in many ways, we are dealing with this like a new cancer, hence the full chemo regime.

    She did throw a number out there, that no one else had mentioned – and that is that I have a 50% chance of recurrence – in part again because it is rare for the cancer to come back almost 10 years later. It isn’t that uncommon for it to mutate if it comes back, so the change in pathology isn’t a huge surprise.

    The radiation oncologist recommends radiation to specific lymph nodes that are further in from the ones that were removed. These are nodes that if they did get cancer, it would be very difficult to remove them surgically. One of them is very close to the brachial nerve which affects motion in your arm. Those who end up with tumors there are often in a lot of pain. There isn’t much she can do after a tumor grows there – but we can do radiation now to reduce the likelihood of spread to under 5%. So, although there aren’t specific numbers for me, there were a couple of numbers mentioned.

    The radiation would be for three weeks (15-sessions) and would only be to the series of lymph nodes (between the axilla where they were removed and the lymph node under under my collar bone near my neck). They won’t be doing radiation to my chest wall, sternum, or left side as there is nothing to warrant it. This makes me feel better, as I feel like what is suggested is very specific targeted radiation that has a very specific purpose, and not a general overall prophylactic radiation to “catch errant cancer cells”.

    The radiation oncologist (rad onc) mentioned that typically with HER2 disease they do a CT scan of the head as well as the core of the body. When I was diagnosed, they checked my bones and ensured that I didn’t have cancer there, but they didn’t validate that my brain is clear. With HER2, it is quite common to metastasize to the brain. She is going to order a head CT that can be done in Bridgewater. That is going to generate a whole new set of scanizety for me.

    The next steps for radiation is what is called a simulation or marking appointment. It is an appointment where you go to the radiation treatment centre and they use a CT find exactly what they want to irradiate, and then they measure and mark you – with small tattoos. These are used during treatment to ensure everything is lined up. A couple or few weeks after the simulation, treatment will start.

    They do have some things organized – for example, late Monday and early Friday appointment time slots are reserved for those who are staying at one of the lodges and are travelling home for the weekend – that we would be me. It was on my list of things to ask about, however, they had already answered it in one of the patient information leaflets that we picked up on the way in (to read while we were waiting). There are two lodges where they typically put people up during radiation treatment. All that is setup after the simulation appointment when they are making the specific radiation treatment schedule. I asked about Scott staying with me, and that did not seem to be an issue.

    We also asked the rad onc about lymphedema. This of course is the biggest risk, and for me, has already happened, so she can guarantee that radiation therapy isn’t going to make it any better. We asked about doing treatments for it while doing radiation, and that was not recommended. When I asked more about how it is treated here (as in Nova Scotia as opposed to California), she said that typically a physiotherapist does manual lymphatic massage, and once things stabilize you look at getting appropriate compression garments. It made me realize that I probably bought my garments too soon – they aren’t working well for me, and part of that is that the lymphedema hasn’t stabilized yet – it is quite variable and chemo and radiation won’t help the variability. It doesn’t hurt or really bother me much now, so I’m pretty much going to keep doing what I’ve been doing and make more concrete plans after radiation is complete. I have a lymphatic massage apt with my physiotherapist next week.

    Radiation cannot start until at least 4-weeks after my last chemo treatment. The nurse figured that I’d likely have my simulation appointment in two to three weeks. Radiation would likely start early to mid February. Since my birthday falls on a Friday this year, I don’t expect radiation to start until after my birthday.

    Overall, it feels like a good day. I went in expecting a recommendation of 6-weeks and broad treatment, and came out with a recommendation of 3-weeks and very specific treatment – which is something that I find my easier to get on board with.

  • So far so good

    So far so good

    With this chemo regime I take steriod pills and anti nausea pills for three days – the day before chemo, chemo day, and the following day. This means that for days 1 and 2 I’m pretty hyper. My neighbours and friends notices that I talk faster and move faster – but by mid afternoon of day 2, I was slowing down. but got another boost after a nap and meal and my last dose of evening steriods.

    One thing that I’m noticing is a lack of appetite, but still a need to eat. The lower appetite causes me to get a little handry and lethargic before I realize what the problem is. I have a vague recollection of this and almost running into trouble driving home from support group one day during my first chemo experience in 2014. I need to remember to always have snacks with me and to eat them right away when I start to feel something, rather than just waiting a few more minutes – as I forgot and minutes turn to hours. One I get food I am starving.

    I didn’t sleep well thei night after chemo – I left for a few hours and then was wide awake from 3-6am – I used that time to get a bunch of computer work done which was nice. I went back to sleep at 6 and slept until 9:30am. I have learned to not to fight the insomnia but rather to use it to my advantage. Last night I slept from midnight until 6am, so that is better. Although I was up frequently in the night to pee – so that kept waking Cali up. She is going to be a tired puppy all day today as she is still recovering from the overstimulation of two days of daycare.

    Today I’m hoping to use some of my more energy to do some purging and organizing over at the house. I’m going spend a few hours at our house (rather than our new place at Treehouse) going through clothing and such that hasn’t made its way here. I’m going to try to be a bit ruthless in what I bring over – as I just don’t need most of the stuff and it can be burdensome. Of course, then there is the kitchen stuff that I really do want! My kitchen here is starting to look pretty well stocked (almost too stocked).

    I’m wondering about my change in taste as my dinner last night didn’t taste like I expected it to. It is heard to say whether it was not as good, or just my taste buds acting up. I did notice the sparkingly apple/pear juice that I usually really enjoy didn’t taste as good.

    Interesting that when I started writing this blog post I didn’t think I had a lot to say. The process of writing it and really thinking about it has helped me put a few connections together. Knock-on-wood, so fare this is easier than last time.

    One other difference is the Nuelata type drug – after AC I was getting it within 24 hours. With TC is it not before 48 hours. Hopefully that extra 24 hours will help with white blood cell low from the chemo better correspond with the booster causing less bone pain. That is a theory anyways. I’m really hoping for that because I cannot swim again until Wednesday once my port has fully healed.

    I’ve found a reiki healer in town and will try her out on Monday. I hope it works out, as I recall from my last chemo that reiki was the thing I felt I needed the most. I don’t have the strong draw towards it yet, but I might by Monday.

    I also now have a weekly appointment for lymph drainage massage for my right arm (mostly forearm and hand). I ordered custom garments but they haven’t come in yet. There are two people in town that do it, one massage, and one physio, which is awesome. I’ve used up all my physio for the year on my insurance so I’m out of pocket for that (totally worth it), so it is good to have the massage option available.

    I got my chemo schedule – Nov 15, Dec 6, and Dec 27 – so that will take me right up to the end of the year. I continue with herceptin every 3 weeks for year, but that treatment (an immnotherapy rather than a chemotherapy) is much friendlier on my body.

    With the three week regime it isn’t as clear to me when I will start losing my hair – but sometime around 10-15 days post chemo. I ask one of my neighbours who always have fun hair to do something to might either today or on the weekend. Her mom has some left over coloured henna so we might shave some of the bottom and do some fun henna colour patterns. I think that will be amusing if nothing else. Why not?

  • Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday – busy times

    Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday – busy times

    It is interesting that when I look back on my first diagnosis, I was blogging daily – sometimes multiple times per day. I haven’t been doing that this time. Part of it is because I’ve fallen out of the habit of writing, something that I want to get back into.

    I do have some crazy updates on my life. I will have surgery on Wednesday to have my port inserted. I hope they use twilight sedation like the last time but I won’t know until I get there. I’ll find out on Monday what time the surgery will be. I am hoping it is first thing so I don’t have to spend too much of the day fasting.

    We found out that the house we are staying at did not sell (the sale fell through), so the house is now listed again. This means that if anyone wants to view it, it needs to look like no one lives here – that doesn’t really work for Scott and I. Since our unit at Treehouse is almost ready, we decided to move in on Tuesday. That means we are now doing the scrabble to get things ready for us to live there. Fortunately, we can live with a minimal setup, and we don’t have that much stuff we need right away. Most of our stuff will stay at our house (another Treehouse family is living at our place until the end of November).

    My biggest challenge is not overdoing it – but also making sure I make the time to do the right things. My morning this morning started off with a short virtual boxing workout. I’m limited to the easy level and less than 15 minutes until I get the strength back in my right arm. I am so glad to get back to boxing – and I really love the VR version – as I cannot handle the impact of real boxing – which is sad. I miss the people at the gym. We had so much fun.

    Anyways, for exercise right now, I’m boxing and swimming first thing. Swimming isn’t my usually lap swimming, rather it involves laps where I do some deep dives, and some laps where I let me arms flow while on my back. The goal is to help reduce the lymphatic swelling in my right arm – and the pool helps.

    In addition to moving this week, I have a dentist appointment to get my teeth cleaned pre-chemo. They don’t recommend it during chemo as you have an increased risk of infection. On Tuesday I have a fitting appointment for new compression sleeves. I’m using my old ones, and they aren’t the best – they are better than nothing, but I’d like to get something better which are likely to be more effective and possibly more comfortable. On Wednesday I have surgery.

    I’m waiting on an appointment for the heart test and then a schedule for chemo. I will call the cancer navigator on Monday to see if I can get any more information on when these things are expected to start. Once I have dates, I can plan a little better.

    It occurred to me today that I will be living the next year in 3-week intervals. Although herceptin is well tolerated, it is still an infusion every three weeks. That will put a bit of a damper on summer holidays – as we will need to plan around the infusions. I don’t know if they will let me extend one out for a few weeks, or do one at a different hospital in Nova Scotia – so that we can go on a 6-week vacation. After so many years building Treehouse, I am looking forward to spending a little time travelling around the area in our van. I miss camping.

    Another thing I learned the first time was to plan to celebrate various milestones. The first big milestone will be the completion of TC chemo. By then my arm should be fully better (might still have lymphedema but I should have my strength back post surgery). Before I go into radiation, I’d like to do a ski trip. We are looking at Club Med in Charleveau Quebec. I like the idea of an all inclusive so that I don’t have to think about meals. Otherwise, I’d spend have the vacation planning meals and cooking – sure, it would be cheaper, but it would be much less of a vacation for me. Of course I cannot book anything until I have a sense of schedule – and they have a sale until Tuesday so hopefully that will all come together.

    And now, it is time to take my dear Cali for a walk before I go to site and do some more finishing work on my unit in preparation for our Tuesday move. I’m definitely not getting bored!

  • Self-care and setbacks

    Self-care and setbacks

    I’m staying at a friends place, watching her dog (who is Cali’s bestie). It has been nice to be a little bit away from the chaos and I’ve been sleeping really well.

    Making coffee the other day I had a bit of a mishap. My forearm when over the steam of the kettle and I got a burn. It is not a bad burn -but it is in the arm that is healing. I notice the next day that the arm has started to swell – ugg. Fortunately, I have compression sleeves and already had an appointment booked to see my physiotherapist who also does lymphatic massage. Fortunately, she took measurements before surgery, so we could see how things had changed. The swelling isn’t horrible, but it definitely is present. Ugg.

    That brings me to self-care, and reminding myself that I need to get back into the pool. The pool is the best thing for lymphedema – it provides compression while you exercise. I can’t really “swim” right now because my right arm isn’t strong enough.

    So this morning, when I woke up early, I checked the pool schedule. I had half an hour before the pool first opened – a perfect time to go where it isn’t at all busy. After walking down the ramp into the pool, I was pleasantly surprised that I could move along in the pool using my arms – just not trusting going into deep water. We will see how the arm feels later, but it definitely brought the swelling down. I visibly checked before getting in, and then afterwards. It is amazing the difference it makes.

    I am reminded that I need to do more self-care – and not just swimming. After the swim, I took the dogs for a walk around the pond. It is a lovely walk where you feel like you are in a forest with all the trees around you. The smells and the sounds provide healing energy – and the dogs don’t mind the walk either!

    There is so much happening with Treehouse Village – so much critical stuff that it is easy to get swept up into the crisis of the day. If you want to see a nice story about Treehouse, CBC did a five minute piece about it. We are a resilient community who have jumped through many hurdles, so it is truly amazing to see it all come together. It is still very much a construction site, but we have conditional occupancy on three of the four residential buildings. It is a time when we are starting to feel like the end is actually in site.

    We have been so involved in it, that it is hard to step away and take a break – especially when everything feels so critical.

    But then cancer has a way of reminding you. It is weird, that I don’t have the clarity of what is important the same way I did the first time I had cancer. The first time, it was easy to just let go of things. I could let go of things that were dragging me down, and focus on things that would help me through it. I guess I don’t feel like I have as much dragging me down, such that I haven’t had that same need to just let things go.

    Last time self-care involved going for a lot of walks. This time it involves beach trips so that my dog can run, but also, time spent on my new home – painting, building drawers for the kitchen cabinets – whatever I can do to help make it be my new home. We are hoping to move in before the end of October. There is still lots of work to do to make it livable. Fortunately, we have a nice place to stay until the of the month (and another home if we need it).

    What do you do for self-care? How often do you do it?

  • May you live in interesting times

    May you live in interesting times

    Funny what happens when you Google a phrase. What I had thought was an ancient Chinese curse, turns out to be a 20th century expression with no connection whatsoever to China. Anyways, the Covid virus has me thinking that we definitely live in interesting times, from a curse perspective.

    So far, my husband and I are healthy. That is good news. I’m getting caught up on some of my outstanding medical issues – some dental work and I finish off my orthodontic work as well.

    Just before my last oncologist appointment, I did a bone density scan. It has been two years since I stopped Prolia and I wanted to make sure everything was OK. Unfortunate, it wasn’t. My bone density is back down to where it was when I started Prolia 4 years ago. It turn out that if you want Prolia to help build your bones you need to keep taking it, every 6 months for life. That is a lot to ask a young survivor!

    My oncologist recommended that I start Zometa – which is a different bisphosphonate and works differently. The biggest concerning side effect is that they can cause necrosis of the jaw, so they recommend getting any major dental work done before taking the medication. In this case, major means anything that affects the jaw bone. Fortunately, I’ve finished the orthodontist stuff and I didn’t need any teeth pulled, so I’m good to start Zometa soon.

    I am super nervous about this. Unlike Prolia which is an injection into the muscle, zometa is given directly to the vein – that is, it is an infusion that take about 15 minutes. It can cause hypocalcemia (low blood calcium) so they check your levels before the injection.

    Of course this led to another level of concern. I have had lymph nodes out on both sides. I generally do not do injections into either arm. I can do a simple blood draw on my right arm, but infusion is a concern. I asked my oncologist and they are saying it is OK to do the infusion in the arm. The other option is the foot which is painful but also finding a vein can be super challenging (my last surgery they had to be a line in my neck which really sucked). So, I’m going to go with the arm.

    Then it occurred to me, if I get the blood draw, then come back an hour later for the infusion, the infusion nurse will be unlikely to find a vein, as the “best” vein will have been used by the phlebotomist for the blood draw. I’m glad this occurred to me in advance, as they changed the type of appointment and now a nurse will put in a line to draw blood which can be used again an hour later (or whenever the levels come back) for the zometa. It means more time there, but one less needle stick.

    I’m not at all looking forward to it. The side effects can suck. The first is flu like symptoms for up to 3 days. This is not the time to have flu like symptoms. It is going to suck – but at least I’m spending most of my time at home anyways. The second sucky side effect is bone pain. This I do not look forward to. I had horrible bone pain with Neulasta during chemo. It is not fun. During chemo, Claritin helped with Neulasta bone pain, so I’m going to try it out for this. Unfortunately the other thing that really helped me was floating in the pool with my clothes on. That won’t be an option anytime soon as pools around here aren’t open (or are only open for serious lap swimming).

    OK this post is getting long. I’ll write another in a few days outlining the other ways I’m living in interesting times. Stay tuned!

    Feature image by Eric Prouzet on Unsplash.

  • Checkups and practicing grief

    This week I had my one year check-up with my surgeon. The timing was good, as I wanted to get checked out because of the new bought of lymphedema. As I always, I went into the appointment with a bit of trepidation. I always have a little worry, especially when something like a sudden onset of lymphedema happens – but I also check myself daily, I did not feel any hard lymph nodes.

    My surgeon entered the room and gave me a big hug. She was on sabbatical last year, so I didn’t see her then. It is a huge progress that I managed a full year without an appointment with my breast surgery team – so no freak outs in that area (I still had some in other areas though as I still see my oncologist every 20 weeks). After a thorough exam she held my hands and gave me the all clear. Return in a year. I’ll see my oncologist in 10 weeks, so if I still have concerns about my lymph system, I can address that with him then. For now, I have my mantra “in the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”.

    My friend Lori on the other hand isn’t doing well. One of the ideas that was mentioned at Commonweal last weekend is that we need to practice grief. That grief was like a whale taking a deep dive, but then needing to come back up for air. Practicing helps us get out of the intense deep dive and come up for air. Lori and I joked that her health ups and downs were like practicing grief – and that perhaps we shouldn’t be practicing it so much. When she has bad days, I worry that the end is near. Then she bounces back, but the bounce back is like a ball, losing a little height every time it happens.

    When I went to get my lupron shot on Monday, the nurse mentioned the idea of grief bursts – that sudden intense sense of grief that can be triggered by pretty much anything. Somehow giving them a name helps to identify what is happening and helps to make it OK. I know that grief takes time, and that I am allowed to have those intense bursts of grief, but not having a name of that feeling makes it more difficult to bare. Now when it happens, I can identify it, allow it to happen, and then come back up for air.

    Today, I’m off to get some new compression sleeves, as my old ones are worn out. Then I’m off for a hike. My body will be happy for the exercise and the fresh air. My mind will be happy for the contemplation time.

  • Powerful, tearful, and memorable weekend at Commonweal

    When Lori mentioned to me that the MBC (Metastatic Breast Cancer) weekend at Commonweal – two and half day retreat for young (those diagnosed with breast cancer under 45) women with metastatic breast cancer – had space that was not going to be filled, I found myself wondering if they would accept me to join them even though I didn’t have Mets. I would not take the spot of anyone with Mets, but if a spot was available it was exactly what I needed.

    Fortunately, we were able to make it all work out. I was able to drive 2 people who would have otherwise had a challenge to get there, or would not have been able to go at all. In that way I was helping the community.

    The weekend turned out to be exactly what I needed. It was special on so many levels. It was special because I got to spend some time having a variety of experiences with several of my friends – moments that I will cherish and take with me forever. I have cemented the visual but also the feeling of love into my mind. That was a gift.

    We cried and laughed and cried some more … we did a lot of crying. I learned that grief tears are good for your skin. They are certainly good for your soul.

    The other thing that worked well for me was that I was able to do some specific grieving. I was able to participate in a grief ritual that helped me address some of the grief over the loss of my mother, but also the grief know that I will lose my friends.

    There was another point in the weekend, where myself and the photographer headed out to the chapel. I wanted to get some photos taken of me laying down in the chapel looking at the ceiling and contemplating. I had brought one of my mothers shall/wraps to wear. When I lay down, the photographer took the front ends of the shawl and crossed them over my chest says “your mother is giving you a hug now”.  That was a real gift. Now anytime I wear that shall I will feel like I’m getting a hug from mom.

    Unfortunately, I also discovered that my left hand and arm are swelling again. It seems that for some reason my lymphedema has returned. I haven’t been swimming much lately, which might be a contributing factor, but it might not be. I have no idea. Anyways, I’m back to wearing a compression sleeve to keep the swelling down. I can go back in the pool started Wednesday (2 weeks after my eye procedure), so I will need to add regular swims to my priority list.

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