BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Author: Becky

  • I’m happy

    I’m happy

    When I’m out walking my dog, I find myself reflecting. I do this several times during the day. I reflect on how I’m feeling. I ask myself, am I happy? and lately the answer has been yes. I’m happy, I’m content.

    What is interesting is this the type of reflection that some of my getting over cancer programs was trying to get at. The idea is living in the day and checking in each day. I didn’t get it. Now that I have a dog that needs to be walked several times a day, I get it.

    Hitting the seven year mark really made a difference.

    Moving back to Canada made a difference.

    Spending time with my friends makes a difference.

    Knowing that I don’t have to go to the beach alone, or go for a hike alone. I have multiple people I can call who often enjoy spending time out at the beach or as is the case for today out for a ski.

    I got out for a 6km ski today. That might not sound impressive, but given that we don’t have groomed trails, it was pretty good. The weather was spectacular. My puppy dog follows along behind me or runs ahead, frolocking in the snow. It is such a joy to watch. A friend joined me, so we spent the entire time talking while skiing. I couldn’t have asked for a better way to spend my afternoon.

    I wanted to write this so that anyone reading my blog knows – it is possible to get back to that place of happiness.

  • Seven years and counting

    Seven years and counting

    Don’t have much else to say about it … Seven years and counting

  • How to feed a love one with Celiac (repost)

    How to feed a love one with Celiac (repost)

    I wrote this a few years ago, shortly after being diagnosed with celiac. With the Christmas coming, I figured it was a good time to repost it.

    Your friends or family invite you over for a holiday meal. They want to feed you. They mean well. However, as someone with celiac disease, this can be very difficult to navigate. I don’t want to offend my friends, but I also do not want to get sick.  So I asked the celiac Facebook group for some tips to help friends and loved ones cook meals that are safe for those with celiac disease. If you have any other tips and tricks, please leave a comment.

    First I want to highlight that celiac is not an allergy. Exposure to as little as 1/8 or 1/64 of a teaspoon of flour can make us sick. We don’t all get sick immediately. Sometimes it will take a day or two before the onset of symptoms. Then we need to mentally go back over the last few days and figure out what food made us sick, so that we don’t accidentally expose ourselves again.

    Here are some tips and tricks for preparing meals that are safe for those with celiac.

    General tips

    Gluten is in anything that contains wheat, rye, or barley. Other grains that contain gluten include triticale and spelt. Malt also contains gluten. You must read the labels of everything you include in what you cook, looking out for any ingredient derived from wheat, rye, or barley.

    The following items must be certified gluten free. If they are not, the risk of them containing hidden gluten it too high, such that they are likely to make someone with celiac sick:

    • Oats (e.g. oatmeal)
    • Soya sauce
    • Malt (it is a barley derivative, e.g. malt vinegar)
    • Soup bases (e.g. bullion cubes, canned broth, etc)
    • Salad dressings (easiest thing to do is get plain olive oil and balsamic or red-wine vinegar)
    • Spice / seasoning blends (pure herbs and spices are OK, but blends often have gluten containing fillers that are not necessarily labelled)
    • Pasta sauces (pre-made mixes often contain gluten as thickening agent)
    • Deli meats (anything cut to order in the deli can be cross contaminated)
    • Anything fried in the same oil as gluten containing ingredients (e.g. french fries that are fried in the same oil as onion rings)
    • Any food purchased in bulk. Unfortunately bulk bins risk cross contamination, regardless of what the food is. They are not controlled. All it takes is someone using the same gloves to refill the wheat flour and then refilling anything else.

    Avoid cross contamination. If you are cooking in a kitchen that is also handling gluten containing ingredients, you need to be diligent to avoid cross contamination. An 1/8 or 1/64 of a teaspoon is only a crumb or two. Some tips to avoid cross contamination:

    • Don’t use wooden spoons or wooden cutting boards. They can contain gluten in the cracks and cannot be adequately cleaned.
    • Use clean knives, serving spoons, and utensils when handling gluten free foods.
    • Line your pans with aluminum foil or parchment paper. This helps to prevent cross-contamination if the pans are not absolutely cleaned.
    • Put out a separate butter dish for your gluten-free guest that is not shared.
    • Put aside an un-sauced piece of protein for your GF guest. You can buy GF gravy mixes at the grocery store, which can be made up in a clean pan for your GF guest.

    Keep it simple. The simpler the meals is (that is the less ingredients), the more likely it is to be safe. Put sauces on the side rather than directly in the meal.

    Snack ideas

    • Plain popcorn
    • Potato chips that are certified GF (unfortunately most potato chips contain gluten)
    • Kind bars (they make a variety of different types of bars that are all GF)
    • Cheese and crackers
    • Certified GF nutbars

    Breakfast ideas

    Be aware that many people will celiac need a high protein diet to help their stomachs heal. This is especially the case after gluten exposure. Fresh fruit and cereal alone often do not provide enough protein.

    • Hard-boiled eggs (if your guests are staying with you, put a few hard boiled eggs in the fridge for them. They make great high protein snacks)
    • Certified gluten free oatmeal packets
    • Certified gluten free breakfast cereal (avoid Cheerios as they are not adequately tested at this time)
    • Cheese & GF crackers (note that seed-based and sweet-potato-based crackers are so much better tasting than the cardboard GF crackers that try to replicate table crackers).
    • GF nuts (note that nuts should certified GF)
    • Fresh fruit

    Lunch ideas

    I’m still challenged with lunch. Sandwiches are a challenge because any deli meats that are not prepackaged and labelled as gluten-free are not safe. Gluten-free bread alternatives are often pretty awful.

    • GF soup (must be certified GF or made with certified GF ingredients – note that stock made from a gluten stuffed chicken/turkey is not GF)
    • Bean salad over a bed of lettuce
    • Cheese and crackers
    • Fresh fruit

    Dinner ideas

    Most meals can be made gluten free. If this isn’t an option, then purchasing a few gluten-free frozen dinners is always an option (e.g. if you are making lasagna, then buy a frozen GF lasagna for your celiac guest).

    • GF pasta – make sure you follow the instructions on the packaging. GF pasta is good when cooked exactly as instructed. If overcooked it disintegrates.
    • Potatoes, rice, and quinoa are gluten-free
    • Plain meat and veggies are GF
    • Put aside an un-sauced piece of protein for your GF guest. You can buy GF gravy mixes at the grocery store, which can be made up in a clean pan for your GF guest.

    Dessert ideas

    Note that if you make GF desserts and then put them on a buffet style table with non-GF desserts, the likelihood of cross-contamination it huge. People do not understand that they cannot use the same serving utensil on both desserts. It is better to set aside an assortment of the GF desserts before placing them on a shared buffet table.

    • Look for packaged GF desserts in the grocery store.
    • Whole Foods makes GF Christmas cookies in a dedicated GF facility and packages them in plastic so they are not cross-contaminated. These make great GF desserts.
    • Macaroons
    • Flourless chocolate cake
    • Mixed fruit (although truth be told, we get mixed fruit at every event we attend so if you want to do something special, look for a GF bakery) – note that items made in a non-dedicated GF facility are not typically considered safe. Items that are made in a GF facility and sold in bulk are also not safe unless they are packaged in a manner that prevents cross-contamination.

    That’s all I can think of for now. If you have any good tips, please leave a comment.

  • I forgive my body – a repost

    I forgive my body – a repost

    I wrote this post right after returning from Commonweal‘s week long Cancer Help Program. That program was transformative for me. It allowed me to do some grieving and healing. For some reason this specific post has been on my mind these last few days. I remembered the gist of it, but not any of the details. Reading it now, I feel like it could still apply. I still need to let go of a fantasy future. I need to remember to look for the resilience inside of me.

    I have replaced the feature image – this image by Brett Jordan on Unsplash.

    Originally posted February 28, 2016.

    One of my struggles this last year has been dealing with loss. I’ve been sad about all the things that I felt that cancer had taken away from me. I felt a deep sense of loss that I was reminded of regularly.

    Time passes unhindered. When we make mistakes, we cannot turn the clock back and try again. All we can do is use the present well.
    ~ Dalai Lama

    I struggled with a sense of loss for a future that I will never have. I went to Commonweal with the hope of getting my future back. What I mean by that is the sense that I can plan for a future, to have wishes for the future, but I learned that first I had to forgive myself for not having the future I had hoped for. I needed to learn to let go of the fantasy future that I thought I’d have so that I can live the future that I do have.

    I had to forgive myself for the constant assault on my body that was treatment. I had to forgive myself for the past that I cannot change. I had to release the expectation that I could change the past.

    You will love again the stranger who was your self.
    ~ Derek Walcott

    I also needed to forgive my body for not being the perfectly healthy body that I want it to be. I needed to forgive my body for growing the cancer that tried to kill me. And after the forgiveness, I thanked my body for being strong. I thanked my body for powering through and rebounding after each assault.

    At one point, Waz from Commonweal mentioned that we look at animals in nature with a sense of awe, and yet when we look in the mirror we do not see that same sense of awe. We need to learn to look in the mirror and see that sense of awe that is in ourselves.

    Instead of mercilessly judging and criticizing yourself for various inadequacies or shortcomings, self-compassion means you are kind and understanding when confronted with personal failings – after all, who ever said you were supposed to be perfect?
    ~ Kristin Neff – http://self-compassion.org/the-three-elements-of-self-compassion-2/

    I must learn to be compassionate towards myself. To be self-compassionate, to forgive myself and my body, to be thankful. I asked about the difference between being selfish and being self-compassionate. The response was that selfishness takes from others, where self-compassion does not. Compassion does not draw upon a well that is limited. It isn’t a zero-sum game, where giving to one means the other is losing.

    And so, by forgiving myself and my body, I move beyond the sense of loss that was overshadowing my soul to a sense of hope for the future. I see the resilience that is inside of me.

  • Where is my time going?

    Where is my time going?

    I’m not working over the summer, although I am thinking about my fall and spring courses. I have things that I want to do, but I can never find the time to get to them. Just like writing in this blog. I’ve been thinking about writing for weeks, but just haven’t been able to get to it.

    I decided to look at my day yesterday to see why I don’t have time. Or maybe, let’s look at both Thursday and Friday.

    Thursday – I started the morning with a Treehouse Village Meeting (2 hours), then took the dog to the groomer, went grocery shopping, then picked the dog up from the groomer. Then I went for a massage, as my back has been bothering me. Then home to make dinner before another 2 hour Treehouse Village meeting. That way my day.

    Friday – I started off with a morning of uPick Haskap berries. I had done this last weekend as well, so we have a bunch of frozen haskap berries now. I’m hoping to make some jam with this batch.

    Let me pause here for a second. A haskap is a berry that looks like a long blueberry and tastes like a tangy blackberry. They are quite delicate and squish easily. Unlike blueberries, they all ripen at the same time so the season is short – about 2 weeks. The berries grow in clusters, so if you have a good plant, you can get quite a few. The larger clusters were lower to the ground which made it a little more challenging. Once the berries are exposed, the birds will eat them pretty quickly. The farm where we pick do not use any chemicals on them – so you can eat them right off the tree – so picking involves a bit of test tasting to ensure they are perfectly ripe 🙂

    Haskap berries

    After planting Haskaps, I had brunch and then took Cali out for a walk while also bringing the car over for a quick charge. There is a great place at the Best Western in Cooksville that has a Flo fast charger – meaning my car will go from empty to 80% in just over an hour. What is great is that there is both shopping (Canadian Tire, pet store, etc) and a great trail for a short hike available while charging. I brought Cali along so that we could go for a nice hike while the car got juiced up. I notices along the trail a lot of unripe blackberries (they don’t ripen until late August, early September) and wild raspberries, which are just now starting to ripen. That meant that I got a little snack of fresh raspberries while I walked.

    Trail behind the Best Western Bridgewater

    Then home for a snack and a cooldown – it was rather warm outside. In the late afternoon we went out to the nearby lake for some stand up paddleboard (SUP) training. That is, I’m training Cali to go paddleboarding with me. I really like paddling and I’m looking forward to a time when we are able to go circumnavigate the various lakes around here. The water is warm, so it is just a delight to go for a swim. I took this picture while I was in the water and she was on the board.

    Cali learning to paddle board

    Then it was home to make dinner and a social visit via Zoom. And when that was finished, I took Cali out for her evening walk, which turned into what we call “Tucker time”, that is, time when she gets to play offleach with the neighbours dog Tucker. They play so well together and are so incredibly cute!

    Somewhere in the day, I managed to do a few smaller tasks of organization, but I just couldn’t get to things that require longer periods of concentration – like writing a blog post or making jam. These are my typical days at the moment. They are filled with outdoor time, which is awesome, but it is also difficult to try and fit in time for work, especially when Cali wants to play when we are at home.

    Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining. I live a privileged live and I am very happy to be here and to be able to get out and do as much as I do. I just ask for patience if you want me to do anything that looks like concentrated work, because I’m struggling to find the time to make that happen.

    I love that I get to call Nova Scotia home!

  • Fireworks as recognition of loss

    Fireworks as recognition of loss

    I was asked the other day about when I first learned about residential schools. At the time, I didn’t recall exactly when, but I’m pretty sure it was at a conference I went to while I was in grade 11 or 12. That would be the late 80s.

    Back in the 80s there was a huge program to try to stop people from drinking and driving. In our high school, we had a “Counter Attack” club – Counter Attack was a public awareness and enforcement program to stop drinking and driving. It was not uncommon when driving at night to come to an intersection where all vehicles were stopped and all drivers were screened for alcohol use. In British Columbia it is part of the Counter Attack program. In Ontario, they call it R.I.D.E. Anyways, that is the point of this post. The important thing is that I was in this club and I went to conference in Terrance – we even stayed over in a hotel for the night. It was probably my first ever conference.

    One of the concurrent sessions at the conference was called the Alkali Lake Experience. I knew nothing about it at the time, but to this day I remember the session and the story. I won’t retell the story, as it isn’t mine to tell – rather I shared a link as I was able to find a case study of it on the Internet. It was interesting to also hear a little more about what happened 10 and 20 years later.

    I think that it was there where I first learned of residential schools and the impact they had on communities. I wasn’t old enough to really get it. The story I learned was about alcoholism and recovery. I learned nothing of the sexual abuse.

    When I hear about the abuse I am reminded about something one of the girls in my dorm said to me – this would have been first year university, so only a year or two later. She was studying early childhood development. She had learned that molestation was part of traditional indigenous cultures. She was asking ‘is it wrong if it is part of the culture?’. I am disturbed even thinking about it – but I also am wondering where the idea came from. Was it the legacy of the residential schools that brought the whole idea of molestation into the community?

    Someone said to me the other day that Canada as a whole was reckoning with its past. This Canada Day was definitely different that those of the past. This is a time of reflection and hopefully a time of reconciliation and healing.

    Canada Day is also the day my mother died. It has been three years since she passed. She is missed every day. I find that I sometimes think about telling her all about the things that we are doing at Treehouse. She died as we were heading over to my Aunt’s house for backyard fireworks. Ever since then, when I see fireworks I think of mom. That year, the fireworks were in her honour. I felt a connection when the Calgary Mayor “Instead of celebrating the anniversary of confederation, Mayor Naheed Nenshi said the fireworks will mark the loss of thousands of Indigenous children to Canada’s residential school system.”

    So for me, fireworks will always be a recognition of loss.

    Feature image by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash.

  • It’s that time of year

    It’s that time of year

    I’m struggling right now. I couldn’t completely figure out why – but looking at the calendar reminds me.

    Part of my struggle is that with Cali recovering from her surgery, we cannot go out to the beach for a walk run. I’m missing that reflective time and the various laughs as she does something dorky.

    I found a lot of odd feelings around Cali’s surgery – the spaying rather than the exploratory surgery which just had me scared. The spaying felt odd. I found myself reflecting on all the feelings and thoughts I went through in deciding to keep my ovaries. I debated it a lot, because my cancer was fed by estrogen. But I just couldn’t have them take away another body part – and especially another body part that is core to my identification as a female being. I had already lost my breasts. So, it was a weird feeling taking away Cali’s ovaries. I know, she is a dog. I’m having to remind myself of that! It is the responsible thing to do. It just feels weird.

    Which reminds me, from my last post, I mentioned that the vet had said my puppy had appendicitis, but dog don’t have an appendix. I asked the vet, and he explained that they didn’t but that was the closest comparison. In essence, her tummy was all inflamed and angry on the inside.

    And now that time of year hits me again. Facebook reminds me of various things – but really, it starts to sink in when I see the photo of Scott on his bike. The photo that I took on the bike ride after unpacking my last box. The bike ride after which I showered and first felt a hard spot on my left chest. That hard spot that led to a diagnosis of breast cancer. So ya, that chain of memories has started.

    I’m hoping that is all that is happening – that it is just the memories of the time of year that is dragging me down. Hopefully, I’ll pop out of this funk soon. ugg.

    Feature image by Eric Ward on Unsplash.

  • Under construction, hug me, spoil me

    Under construction, hug me, spoil me

    Under Construction, that is what the cone on poor Cali’s head said when we picked her up from the vet yesterday. We are hugely relieved to have her home and know that she is on the mend.

    On Monday I awoke to Scott informing me that Cali had been puking all morning. At first I dismissed it, because she had her shots on Thursday but also because she eats everything, as puppies tent to do, and that has meant she sometimes pukes. But then she puked again – after eating soft foods.

    Scott suggested I call the vet, so I did. I’m kicking myself that this was his instinct and not my instinct. He seems to have better puppy care instincts than I. Anyways, I called and the vet wanted to see her, concerned that she might have something blocking her intestines. I packed her up and brought her to the vet in Petite Riviere (about a 25 minute drive). She puked again just after the first corner, before we even got out of town 🙁 This was not normal.

    It is frustrating that during covid times we are not permitted to go into the clinic with our pets. The vet assistant comes out and fetches her in order to do some exams. An agonizing 40 minutes later, the vet comes out and tells me she is concerned. She sees something that looks like an obstruction, and wants to do a barium swallow, which may actually resolve the issue and if it doesn’t it will identify where in the intestines things are blocked up. I sign the consent paperwork and am sent home waiting for a phone call. On the drive home, I hit myself for not leaving the stuffy that was in the car with her. She has nothing with her that smells like us 🙁

    At 5pm, I call the vet, knowing that they try to close at 6pm. I’m informed that she can go home and that we should come get her. This time both Scott and I get in the car and drive to the vet. The vet tells us that Cali is looking better, that she is hopeful that the barium did its job, but there is still concern. Please call in the morning to give the vet an update. If Cali is still puking there is reason for concern.

    We get her home and take her out for a short walk, which usually leads to her pooping, which is what we are waiting for. Sure enough. I notice, not only the white of barium, but a full cluster/bud of pine needles about an inch and a half long. Not sure how she managed to swallow that.

    Throughout the night, she starts puking again. She won’t eat or drink. Every 1-2 hours, she wakes up, pukes, and then goes back to sleep. Poor thing. We call the vet to leave a message and get in the car so we are there when they open in the morning. They are dealing with another emergency (a C-section), but will get to Cali as soon as they can. After an hour, the vet comes out with some not good news. They aren’t sure but it looks like an obstruction and they need to do exploratory surgery :-(. If they find something in her intestine, they will need to open it up and remove it. Doing this sooner rather than later avoids the possibility of intestine death and maybe even puppy death 🙁

    We head home scared and hopeful that they figure out what is wrong. The night was so terrible, it is horrible seeing her in so much pain and not knowing what to do about it.

    Just after my first meeting, at about 1pm, the vet calls to tell us that they did not find any obstructions but she has what they call “acute appendicitis”. They treat this with medicine rather than surgery. They want to know if we want to get her spayed while she is already under and already has an abdominal incision. I’m glad they thought about that, as I had the same thought when I was driving home from the vet earlier that day. She was due for her spay surgery in a month, so it would mean another bout of anesthesia and incisions and two more weeks of a cone and wound healing. It was an easy decision.

    While waiting for the call about her surgery, I look up appendicitis in dogs. I’m confused as I learn that dogs don’t actually have an appendix. I make a mental note to ask the vet about this.

    Having not hear from them by 5:15, knowing they try to close at 6pm and that it is 30 minute drive for us (well, 25 minutes but we need a few minutes to get organized). They inform us that she is doing well and can come home tonight. We pack up and head out to get her.

    She is now home, and not impressed with the cone, but otherwise mostly sleeping. She slept most of last night and mostly through the night. This morning I gave her head a sponge bath (she stank from the barium and puking). She also has a special diet, some food that is easy to digest, and several medications which are mostly the same as she would have been given for the spaying anyways. We are grateful for the vet and all the care that Cali received there. We are also happy to have her home.

  • Vaccination day

    Vaccination day

    Today is vaccination day. I get my first Covid vaccine – Pfizer.

    I’ve ask my oncologist about getting the vaccine in my arm. He says because it is IM (intramuscular) that the lack of a lymph node should not be an issue. Since I’ve had nodes out on both sides, I don’t have a ‘good’ arm per se. Since I’ve had lymphedema in my left arm, my right arm is the only option. That isn’t going to be fun.

    I’m nervous but also am relieved to be getting the vaccine. If I were in the US, I’d already have it. I would be looking to whether I should be getting it in the glute rather than the arm – but really, if it causes muscle pain for a day or two, that might actually be worse.

    I will probably go did out a compression sleeve and wear it for a day or two (if it doesn’t hurt or annoy me), just to help ensure that the lymph nodes don’t swell.

    I do know that Pfizer can cause lymph nodes to swell a week or so after the vaccine, so I know not to panic if that happens. The timing won’t be ideal, as the swelling is apt to happen pretty darn close to the 7th anniversary of my diagnosis. How is that for a trigger event!

    Feature image by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash.

  • Another day, another beach

    Another day, another beach

    When the weather is nice, I like to get out for either a hike or a walk on the beach. With the ticks being a bit crazy right now, I’m favouring the beach – but at some point that is apt to change.

    Today I decided to try out a new beach – Cherry Hill Beach. It is still in Lunenburg County so I am permitted to go there for exercise as part of the lock down (it is in the same County as I am in).

    What keeps me entertained on these beach walks is playing fetch with Cali. For the most part she gets it, but every now and then she gets distracted and lets the ball roll away. Unfortunately, at the beach this means the ball rolls into the water. Fortunately, the tide was going out, so I was able to grab the ball by watching the waves and being strategic about when I went out to get it. Cali didn’t quite understand, so she would run out when it looked calm, but wouldn’t just grab the ball and run – she would dally a little, and then the next wave would scare her away. She still needs to figure that part out.

    I’ve learned here that it is important to check the tides – as some of the beaches pretty much disappear at high tide. When you visit them at low tide you are rewarded with spectacular flat beaches and white sand.

    You can see that during high tide, the water goes almost all the way up to the rocks along the entire length of the beach, not leaving a whole lot for walking.
    I didn’t have to share the beach with very many people – and yet there were several cars in the very small parking lot!
    The beach was very flat – I walked the length of the sandy part, which was about 2 km.
    I thought this seaweed attached to a rock was interesting.

    I dipped my toes in the water – it is still much too cold to do any water sports. I’m told that it will warm up over the summer, and I recall the water near the LaHave Islands was swimming pool warm when I went kayaking there in September last year. I will just need to be patient and wait for the water to get warm. Until then, I’ll try not to be tempted to take my shoes off!

    By this point, Cali wasn’t so sure about dipping her toes in again! The water was cold.

    I am struggling a little with having my beach days feel like productive days – but I did manage some stuff in the morning before going to the beach. Taking Cali out for a decent walk is part of my daily to do list. We both appreciate it.

    Of course, that means I feel like I need to be productive in the evening. I haven’t yet figured out how to wind down a little and not feel like I need to be working all the time. I’m sure that will change soon enough!

    For now, my matra is “life is a beach…”, which shall I visit tomorrow?

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