Yesterday, I was scared. I didn’t quite realize just how scared I was – and I couldn’t quite label it. I was scared enough that I cried. Then I went out for a bike ride. Biking always makes seems to help clear my head and allows me to figure out what I’m actually thinking.

I realized on the bike ride that I had a fear of taxol chemo – almost a paralyzing fear – so bad that I was making plans to skip treatment. But I wasn’t sure if the fear was a rational fear or not. My fear is that the side effects that I’m experiencing will become permanent. With each additional treatment, I’m afraid that the damage will be irreversible. This is scaring me more than the fear of the cancer itself, and scaring me more than surgery (which isn’t scaring me anymore).

Today I’m feeling a little calmer. I’ve been able to label my fear. I sent an email to my oncologist, telling him that I am scared. This will likely be a surprise, as I have always (almost always anyways) been strong during my appointments. But I just need some form of re-assurance. I need to hear that I’m over-reacting, that one more treatment won’t be the ‘one’ that causes irreversible damage.

Somehow, today I’m not feeling nearly as panicked and scared as I was yesterday. I got a good night’s sleep. Actually, I’ve been sleeping better since the weekend. It has been cooler outside and we bought a new fan to cool the bedroom at night – which has made a huge difference. Unfortunately, the cooler weather isn’t expected to last – with forecast temps as high as 30 degrees C on Friday! So, back into summer temperatures. So, as some of the side effects get worse, others are fading as my body gets accustomed to the chemo. Today, I feel that I can manage one more treatment of taxol …

I also woke up this morning to fewer eye brows and definite thinning of the eye lashes. I probably have less than 10 hairs on each brow now. However, my head has a nice layer of peach fuzz on it! The transitions in hair growth are somewhat amusing …