Joining the cancer blogosphere
I have been blogging for a few weeks now, but I have been very hesitant to read other people’s cancer blogs. I’ve been hesitant to reach out to too many others who are going through similar experiences to mine. In part, this is a form a denial, in part it is a form of fear.
I have strong online relationships. I am part of several online communities where I find strength and much needed support. But, to join a cancer community means to admit that I have cancer – but there is more to it than that – it is the fear of joining a community and then losing people in that community. I’m OK with admitting I have cancer, but I’m not OK with admitting that it is something that might one day kill me. I’m afraid that if I develop solid friendships with others who have cancer, that I’ll lose them. I don’t want to have to deal with the death of a good friend – and so, I hesitate. I hesitate to reach out too much to others who are also going through this experience – not because I don’t want to meet these people or get to know them – just that I don’t want to get to know them and then lose them.
But I also realize that I need them. I need to read about others experiences. I need to learn from them. I also need to share my experiences, so that others can learn from me. It is this need that is driving me to participate in the online communities (and face-to-face support groups as well), but I must admit, that I do it with hesitation and a bit of fear. Afraid to get too close to anyone who I might lose.
- Becky
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Tough decision and an admission of vulnerability to become part of a group. Will you lose your individuality? Will you succumb to the morose reality of the sad and hopeless? Are you abandoning the living to be prepared for the end?
My heart problems are chronic but quick. The two failures were quick and catastrophic. Suddenly being gone is very different from the reality of continuing so my advice is likely not too relevant, but there are a lot of times when the shock of almost being gone cheats the life given back to you. The living, even in the grace of their hurting are way better than pretending you aren’t connected to them and the help they offer.
I think you need to face this particular fear with your quantitative self. Everyone you know could die at any moment. Of course, we don’t think when we leave the house that we have whatever percentage chance of being killed in a car crash…it’s too depressing and, besides, you wouldn’t get the shopping or whatever done. The sick ones have a greater statistical chance of dying than the healthy ones because of illness, but how many of us are walking around with undiagnosed cancer or some other serious illness? So how does this help, you may be wondering? With all the odds stacked against everyone you know…well, could it be possible to be more relaxed with your fellow breast cancer bloggers? Also, I think you’re also projecting your own fears on to the others, but I suspect that’s common. Love to you, Becky, and thinking of you always.