BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: self-confidence

  • My Buddha Belly

    It may sound dumb but one of my biggest worries about not getting reconstruction is that I’ll look funny. I’ll have a flat chest but a buddha belly. I’m more scared about the buddha belly than I am about the flat chest.

    I know my choice for surgery. I know I ‘want’ a double-mastectomy. Want is such an odd word here – need might be more appropriate. I know I do NOT want to be hacked up and left oddly deformed, which is what a breast sparing lumpectomy would do. I also know that I do not want radiation. My skin is so very sensitive, that the idea of radiation burns freaks me out. So, for me, the best option is the double-mastectomy.

    I also know that I do not want to go through 2-3 years of additional surgeries. When you are first diagnosed with breast cancer, the surgeon presents you with one bit of “good news”. That “good news” is that insurance is required to cover reconstruction. What they don’t tell you is that reconstruction is not easy. You are not reconstructing healthy breasts. It isn’t a simple “boob job”. Reconstruction happens after they remove parts (or all) of your breasts, and then use radiation treatments to make sure that the cancer is gone. So they begin reconstruction with less than ideal material – you are not starting with healthy breasts, you are starting with damaged breasts. The reconstruction process can (and usually does) involve several additional surgeries, all done under general anesthetic. Each brings in new risks of infection and complications.

    Maybe, if I had a small mass in one breast, I might opt for a simple cosmetic surgery that in essence evens out my breasts – maybe. But I don’t have that option. I have two areas of cancer in my left breast, one rather large … which doesn’t leave much to work with. Plus I have cancer in the right breast. So radiation would mean radiation on both sides – a double whammy.

    So, for me, the best possible outcome is a single surgery – double-mastectomy with nice clean matching / symmetric scars. No extra lumps and bumps, but nice and flat.

    That much I know. But what scares me is the buddha belly. I have a great body image right now. I’m happy with how I look. I’m pretty sure I’ll still be happy without breasts (they are trying to kill me after all). But the belly … now that might be the challenge. I will need a new identity – perhaps after BCBecky  (Breast Cancer Becky) I will become BBBecky (Buddha Belly Becky).  Maybe if I can find some pride in that identity, I can be happy with my new body image. [i’m laughing through my tears as i write this].

    What also scars me is metastasis. So far, all signs are that I do not have node involvement. We won’t know until after surgery. The first line of treatment for node involvement is chemo – which I’m already doing. The second line is radiation. So, if surgery finds node involvement, I may need radiation (ugh). Once that is determine, we then start to look beyond the breasts for spread. Women can live for years with metastatic disease (like 10 years). Metastatic disease is often treated with chemo that is designed to slow the spread of the disease, but the quality of life with sustaining chemo scars me. Chemo is hard. I can do it now, because I have hope that it means that when I’m done with chemo and surgery that the disease will be gone. I watch other women live with metastatic disease and go through chemo so that they can live a little longer, mostly to watch their children grow up. For them, the pain, the yuckiness of chemo is worth it. I don’t think I could do that. For the first time in my life, I truly appreciate what quality of life means. I cannot see making myself feel awful (chemo) just to live longer feeling awful the whole time. I do not have kids, I do not have a reason to want to hold on. And I could not bare to have Scott see me suffer for years just to live an unhappy life. Now, this isn’t something I need to worry about now. My prognosis doesn’t look like that … from all signs I do not have metastatic disease, but these are thoughts that I do have … and I promised myself when I started this blog that I would write these thoughts and share them, regardless of how difficult they might be read or write.

    So, here is to living a long healthy life as Buddha Belly Becky … whoever that may be!

  • My bald head

    There are times when I find myself wanting to cover my head in something stylish – and I like looking good. There are times when I run out to take out the garbage and I cover my head so as not to scare or make uncomfortable anyone who I might happen to cross paths with in the corridors of the condo.

    Today, when I was out sailing, I mostly wore a buff and my Tilley hat.
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    I usually wear my Tilley hat sailing, so anyone who has seen me before would not notice any difference. There was a brief moment when I took my hat off for a picture – cause I really wanted a picture with the waves and my bald head – mostly for posterity. But I also wanted to feel the wind on my head. At this point, it was easier to put my buff and hat back on, as I needed my hands to hold onto the boat!

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    But, towards the end of the sail, when it was a little less windy and cold, I found myself wanting (craving) to talk off my hat so I could experience the feeling of the wind on my skull. I love the feel of the wind on my bare head. But I didn’t. I was afraid of how the people around me would react. I was not afraid of showing my bare head, but I didn’t want to make others feel uncomfortable.

    When in the car, I often strip off my head scarf. It is either too hot, and I want to cool down, or I’m on a slower road and I want to drive with the windows down. Again, that feeling of breeze on my bare skull is delightful. When I’m in the car, I’m not worried about how my baldness might make others feel (even when stopped at intersections). I’m conscious about it, but not worried about it.

    When I had a shaved head, I didn’t worry about it. I often went out without covering up. But now, my head is patchy. It is mostly bald, but still has some patchy bits of hair. Sometimes when I swim, I don’t worry about it and just go bare. Last time I swam, I wore my swim cap. I was OK with changing from my buff to my swim cap at the pool, and I even used the pool shower and exposed my naked head (but found myself hoping that when someone walked by that they didn’t look my way). But I didn’t walk to or from the pool with a bare head.

    So I’m of mixed feelings right now. There are times when I want to look fashionable that I am happy to have my head covered in a pretty scarf/buff/whatever. It is a part of the outfit and actually dresses up what I’m wearing. However, there are times when, I would rather not bother covering up. Although, from a practicality perspective, I do need to concern myself with sun protection. My bare head cannot go out in the sun for any length of time, but it certainly craves being exposed for short periods of time (and I do hate wearing a buff under my bike helmet, but I need the sun protection).

    So I wonder, how much should I worry about what other people might think? Do I worry about the discussions parents might need to have with their children after seeing me? Is that something that I should even care about?

     

  • Picturing a morning sail

    This morning we headed off to San Francisco for a morning sail on USA 76 with ACSailingSF. We almost missed the boat, arriving just as they were about to cast off. Fortunately, we got there just in time, and they nicely sent someone up to fetch us at the gate.

    Hopping on the boat, I was immediately happy. After a little bone pain yesterday, I wasn’t sure I’d have the energy to get out sailing – but rather than it tiring me, sailing refreshed me. It was nice and windy (at least at first) so we had an excellent, and thrilling up wind leg.

    We brought the new GoPro, which I spent some time playing with. Unfortunately, most of my pictures involve either my fingers or the string tether in the corner of the camera. Since you cannot see what you are taking a picture of, I didn’t quite realize it. So, I’ve chosen a few pictures that turned out pretty well.

    Scott resting after having been one of the grinders raising the main.

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    Under sail!

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    Playing with selfies on the Go Pro.

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    Some video of Scott grinding as we tack on the up wind leg.

    I enjoyed some time right up at the front being reminded regularly with mist that we were on a body of salt water!

    At one point I even took off my hat and buff to feel the wind on my bare skull and of course get a bald head picture 🙂

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    After our sail, we had lunch with some friends on Pier 39. Overall, a great way to spend a Sunday.

  • My improved body image

    I find it interesting that ever since my diagnosis, I have found that I have an improved body image. Sure I am carrying a few more pounds than I would like, but I am proud of the way my body looks. I rocked the buzz cut! Now with my hair patchy and falling out, I find myself dressing up a lot more to go out. When I visit friends or go to doctors appointments, I wear nicer cloths and dangly earrings. I’m getting a bit obsessed about buying different things to wear on my head that (get this) actually compliment the clothes that I’m wearing. I’ve never been that fashion conscious before!

    But each day, I also read Facebook posts in the amazing Flat and Fabulous group about women who are afraid to walk outside their doors after surgery. They are constantly worried cautious about how they look. They fight every day with negative body images, and struggle because they don’t want ‘yet one more surgery’ to clean things up. Some live in physical pain, while others the pain is mostly emotional. They struggle every day.

    This worries me. I have never been happier with my body. So I’m worried about what it will look like after surgery, but also what the surgery will do to my sense of body image. I want to keep this feeling I have now. I don’t want it to ever go away. I want to always be proud of my body, and happy with my body the way it is.

    Since my diagnosis, and I started this blog, I’ve used the expression “my breasts are now public domain”. I talk freely about them. I have even posted an MRI picture of the cancers in my left breast. If I were back in Ottawa I would have asking all my girlfriends to feel my left breast, so that they too would know exactly what breast cancer ‘felt’ like (as part of my public service announcement). As an educator, I am now in a position to educate people about what it means to have breast cancer. But I have to highlight that I’m an exception to the rule. My self-confidence and my current body image is not the norm. For too many women this is an everyday struggle, and I find that sad. And everyday I hope that surgery doesn’t change my current view of my body image!

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