BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: biking

  • Feeling my nadir today

    For the last couple of rounds of AC, I’ve actually felt quite strong on my nadir day (day of lowest blood counts). Today, I’m tired.

    My biggest struggle today is mouth sores. On the weekend I started to develop mouth sores (the ones on the underside of the tongue are especially painful) and along with it thrush. I’ve now started treatment for the thrush, so my mouth isn’t as full of gunk, but boy do the sores ever hurt! I’m on a pretty much liquid diet, as solid foods get stuck under my tongue and in the back of my cheeks, and I cannot move my tongue well enough to clear it out. I also cannot easily open my mouth wide enough to do a decent job brushing my teeth (plus with low platelets, I need to be really careful with teeth brushing as my gums bleed).

    It all sounds rather awful, and feels that way too, but in the grand scheme of things is it more an annoyance that a real problem. I will need to run out to Costco later today (after the plumber comes to look at the toilets) to buy more ice cream. The coolness and non-acidity of ice cream actually relieves a lot of the pain in the mouth and ensure I get in some calories – however, they are not enough nor the right calories for exercise.

    I biked to an ophthalmologist appointment yesterday – but that proved to take too much out of me. Biking in the sun, without adequate hydration and an inability to suck on the water bottle (and pain when opening mouth wide enough to get the water bottle nub in my mouth) meant that I was exhausted by the time I arrived (about a 40 minute bike ride). So until I am able to eat solid food (even soft solid food) and hydrate adequately, biking is out. Today is officially an exercise rest day. Tomorrow I’m allowed to get back into the pool, so if I don’t have the energy to bike (cause I’m not eating the right foods today), I can at least do a gentle swim.

    I’m looking forward to the rebound!

  • Feeling strong

    I am surprised by how all of sudden my strength returns. Where only a week ago I could only swim 7 laps in the pool, I’m now swimming 30 and the only reason I stopped was because I had too many other errands to do.

    It seems that with each AC cycle the down days after neulasta are longer, but when my strength does return, I’m stronger than I’ve been before. In cycle three, I walked farther (10km on day 2), cycled farther (36km on day 10), and swam farther (we actually I swam this distance in cycle 2 as well 1200m) – than I had before chemo started.

    As I’ve discussed in my last post, I’m also struggling with increasing signs of depression – worsening with each cycle. This in part is related to not have access to my coping mechanisms (exercise) for the longer stretches each cycle. In part because the reality of having breast cancer is sinking in (denial is becoming less and less active in my brain), and a lack of knowing what will come next. Relating to exercise, each added day when I cannot get in a long workout, my stress and anxiety build. I’ll be working with the folks at onc-pysch on developing additional coping strategies, but will also be changing some medications to something new, where the side effects are actual effects that align well with counter-acting the effects of chemo (drowsiness, anti-neasea, and increase appetite). The new meds should also help deal with some of the ‘chemo-pause’ side effects (night hot flashes). We shall see how it all works – but for the next two or three days, I should be feeling strong – and will try to enjoy it while it lasts.

    When I was up at Stanford yesterday, I visited my tree. I wish pictures could capture the scent of the eucalyptus.
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    I’m not nearly as good at taking pictures near myself near the tree – but here I am sporting the new cap Maha sent me from Egypt 🙂

     

     

  • #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

    This post has been inspired by a mix of things, not the least of which is how I am feeling at the moment. With the recent passing of Robin Williams, my Facebook and Twitter feeds have been filled with tributes but also warnings about depression. One of the Unitarian Ministers on my Facebook feed (yes I have several Unitarian Minister friends) posted a challenge to share pictures for people who suffer (or have suffered) from depression, as it helps to show the faces of depression. So, I took this picture today while I was out on my bike ride. One of the reasons I ride is to fight depression, but the fight is becoming more difficult.

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    I feel the need to write more about depression. The latest news regarding Robin William’s death just crossed my social media stream – that he had early onset Parkinson’s makes it seem that much closer to home.

    Yesterday represented a transition (last night really) – from control to loss of control. I took the above picture in the middle of my ride. I cried for most of the first 30km. It wasn’t until that point that I finally found myself back in control. I wasn’t sure the ride was going to work this time!

    Fortunately, when I felt the early signs, I began to reach out, and will have my first appointment with the oncology-psychiatrist tomorrow. It seems that at about the same time I reached out (about two weeks ago), Stanford opened a new oncology-psychiatry clinic. I will be one of the first patients!

    This is not my first bout with depression. I suffered from depression for about two years (2003-2005). Within the span of a year I (1) was laid off from my career at Nortel, (2) got married, (3) bought a house, (4) started a consulting career, (5) started grad school. By spring 2003 things were looking pretty good in my life, and yet I had difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I was sleeping in excess of 10 hours a day, and I had no motivation. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t anemic, I just wasn’t motivated to do anything. For me, depression appeared as a lack of motivation rather than sadness.

    On my bike ride today, I reflected on what I had learned about my earlier depression. First of all, I know which drugs worked! But more, I know that what threw me off balance was uncertainty in my life. Losing my job was not a bad thing, but not knowing what I’d do next was a challenge. Relaunching a career wasn’t a bad thing either, but there was just too many of life’s big changes happening to me in too short a period of time. My brain couldn’t keep up.

    This time it is definitely about uncertainty, although my mom also pointed out the issue with ‘chemo-pause’ as a contributing factor. One of the side effects of the chemo drugs is a temporary an onset of menopause (young warriors call it ‘chemo-pause’). In addition to the whole uncertainty associated with having cancer, I’m also dealing with emotions that may be enhanced by ‘chemo-pause’.  I’m thankful that there are now people at Stanford that understand the combination of factors involved.

    For those reading this who are also in treatment Stanford, if you are having any concerns (even mild concerns) with anxiety or depression, I urge you to ask for a referral to the new clinic. They have been fighting for three years to get it established. I’m grateful that it came to be just in time for me. Referrals do take time, and medications also take time to be effective, so don’t wait until it is really bad before asking for help.

    There is no certainty with cancer. Treatment is physically tough and the long road after treatment is emotionally and mentally tough. Be assured that I am well enough to know to ask for help when I need it.

  • Preparing for neuropathy

    I have been thinking about neuropathy a bit lately – in part because several strong women in my support groups have been having neuropathy – specifically with the Taxol chemo. I’m currently on AC chemo, but when that is finished, I do 12 weeks of taxol.

    Neuropathy is one of the potential side effects. It can happen in both hands and feet. In hands it means that typing becomes challenging as you cannot feel your fingers and fine motor skills become challenging. In the feet, walking and biking become a challenge. For biking, the issue is not so much the pedaling (I have clip pedals), but rather the stopping. When you stop you typically put one foot on the ground, this can be a challenge if you cannot feel your foot!

    To deal with neuropathy in my hands (if it happens), I will likely be using Siri a lot. I already use dictation a lot on my iPhone so that I rarely ever type anything using the iPhone keyboard. I have dictation turned on for my Mac, so I all I need to do is hit the fn key twice and then talk to my computer, and the words appear. I can do about a paragraph at a time. It is truly amazing to see just how much voice recognition software has improved over the years. For those using PCs, I can highly recommend Dragon Naturally Speaking. I’m not sure how well it works with different accents, but it seems to do Canadian pretty well (although words like tour need to be trained).

    To deal with neuropathy in my feet, we are looking into stabilizers for my recumbent. I had originally thought I would need a trike, but we really don’t have the space for one in our apartment, plus the cost is a bit much for something that I would only need temporarily. I will need something to help with balance if I have neuropathy, but also after surgery. The big advantage to my recumbent is that it has under-seat steering, so I don’t need to lift my arms to steer. However, there is an issue with balance. We have since discovered that one can buy various stabilizers for bikes. These are like training wheels but designed for adult bikes, and are much sturdier. Now we just need to research which stabilizers work best for my ‘bent.

    Another issue we need to deal with is groceries. Yesterday, after grocery shopping, I couldn’t carry the groceries back to the apartment. I had to make three trips, because any weight on my left side caused bleeding at my biopsy site. So, we will be looking around for a cute cart that will allow me to load groceries from the car and pull them up to the apartment. I had a cute one from IKEA in Ottawa, but ended up leaving it there when I moved.

    So, planning Becky is hoping for the best but planning for contingencies just in case.

     

     

  • Variable days

    I’m finding that my days are rather variable. If you ask me mid-day if it is a good day, I will likely have a different option than in the morning or in the evening.

    Sunday is a good example. I woke up early, unable to sleep. I wrote a blog post, but then I found myself feeling tired and generally not feeling great. So I decided a needed to climb back into bed. I decided to cancel sailing because I just could not image driving to San Fran, sailing for 2.5 hours, and driving back. It was more than I could mentally handle.

    After another 2 hours sleep, I awoke with a crazy headache, took Tylenol and had a cup of coffee. That inspired another ’bout of writing. I wrote several blog posts on Sunday! Feeling energetic, I went for a bike ride – 31 km on my road bike – to be fair, my road bike is my easiest bike to ride, so 31 km on my ‘bent is not the same as 31 km on my road bike – but still, it was a solid 90 minutes of riding. It felt great to be back at my pre-chemo strength. That evening we even walked over to the bank (6.5 km) – more than I thought I’d be able to do when we set out (I figured I’d turn around part way).

    So, looking at the morning would not have provided insight into just how my day would go. I’m finding this to be a bit of a trend. I can never tell how well the day will go.

    This morning started with an MRI guided biopsy of the small mass in my left breast. This was not 100% necessary, but recommended in order to allow maximum flexibility when it comes to surgery. I also just want to know. I feel like three is my number – it is the number I use to meditate, the number of strokes I count when I swim, the number of bikes I have – it resonates with me.  I have three masses in my breasts, two have proven to be cancer. I want to know if the third is also cancer, and if the third is the same kind of cancer. If it is, it just means that something when crazy in my body and spontaneously cancer grew – it is not a sign of spread – as with this type of cancer, it is each one growing at the about the same time.

    After my last MRI experience (weird machine), I knew a lot more about what to expect. I asked for things to help make myself more comfortable during the procedure. I took a Lorazepam just before the procedure, so I was mostly dopy and sleepy throughout – much better than being stressed and claustrophobic – although this MRI machine was different – it was much bigger and had open sides. They get you positioned, put you in for a scan, roll you out, put in the needle based on the images, roll you back in and scan to make sure the needle is in the right place, roll you out to do the biopsy, move the need for the marker, roll you in to check that things are in the right place, put in the marker (a little piece of metal in the shape of a M), then roll you in again for one last image of the marker placement. Then after they bandage you up, they ship you over to mammography for a gentle mammogram of the marker – as a baseline reference.

    I requested all the images back when I requested the original MRI images, so I should receive them in the mail sometime in the next couple of weeks.

    I found myself so tired on the drive home (after we stopped for lunch) that I actually slept in the car. When I got home, I slithered into bed and promptly slept for 3.5 hours. I guess I needed that.

    This evening I’m feeling good. No real pain from the biopsy. Even managed to get some work done. Tomorrow is chemo prep day – so need to get to bed soon so that I am well rested for the various errands that need to be run prior to chemo and the following less productive days. Unfortunately, the biopsy means no strenuous activity for 3 days and no swimming for a week. We shall re-visit that with the oncologist on Wednesday, as I will really really really want to be in the pool on Friday if I have the same reaction to neulasta. I got the OK on sauna use from the MRI doctor (radiologist) who also said if things are healing well I may be OK for the pool on Friday (one week is the party line but not everyone needs the full week). So cycle two won’t align with my ideal exercise plans, but we shall go with what the body wants/needs at any given time. It is what it is.

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