BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Category: chemo

  • Negotiating identities in multiple worlds

    I find myself living between two worlds – or perhaps more – negotiating my different identities.

    Anyone who gets breast cancer under 45 is considered to be ‘young’, so I’m re-negotating what it means to be a young cancer patient. In church, we had groups for young adults age 18-35 and I remember the very awkward transition that happened as I could not relate to the younger group. We ended up starting our group of 30-40 somethings that allow us discuss spiritual and life issues in an environment we could relate (eg. kids, career orientated jobs, mortgages, marriages).

    With the cancer groups, I find that professional I relate to the 55 ish old women. These are women who have established professional careers (consults, or other professionals). It is a peer group that I can relate to – however, I don’t have the same kinds of cancers they do. I find that when they hear of my cancer it scares them – because is it not what my first surgeon called “old lady cancer’.  They have slow growing cancers with life expectancy outcomes in range of 95-98%. They are the survivors.

    The young cancer group has so much more to detail with, in many ways. They usually have more aggressive cancers. They are often raising young children (or early teens). They have family obligations and concerns. Some have great support but others are just amazingly powerful women that just power through cancer treatment without asking for help from their families. From this perspective. I’m not that strong, or perhaps a little wiser. My bike trip (http://goingeast.ca) has shown me that people want to help – and sometimes it is better for the people in your lives if you can provide them with concrete ways to help.

    I do find that my empathy levels for others has increased. I worry about how my fiends and family are adjusting. So, although I may blog a lot about myself and how I”m feeling at a particular time, I do it with a worry about how others will feel when they read it. What will help others understand.

    I often find myself forgetting to send out thank-you to those who have sent cards and well wishes. I want to say that I really appreciate everything that has come my way – I just cannot keep track of it all, nor track down everyone to say a personal thank-you. But I do want to say it hear. I greatly appreciate all the support and kinda words I am getting. I hope my short thank-you is enough for you to understand that you too are in my thoughts and heart.

  • The pains with the American system

    Having decent insurance has made most of the process of cancer treatment go smoothly. You’d have thought with a week of advance notice, it would all be figured out … but not so much.

    The chemo went well today – well seems like an odd word to use w.r.t chemo – it went, I’m feeling a little stressed (just took something for that). Don’t think I’m feeling any nausea, but I’m not sure if worrying about nausea is causing nausea or if I’m actually feeling nausea .. so we will wait until the anti-anxiety meds kick in and then decide if I need / want another anti-nausea pill. I have several options, so all is good.

    Talked to the oncologist about medical marijuana. The oncologist didn’t see any problem with it, but he couldn’t write the prescription (against Stanford policy). He did warn us of dosage issues – in that you often cannot accurately measure the dosage (very dependent on where you get it). Nor can my family doc – although my family doc suggested I see one of the various “pain” docs who do write the prescriptions. It is a bit of a game, but we have followed the rules so far. Next step is to find someone to write the prescription. Some of the docs that write the prescription also issue “cards” which is all you need to purchase marijuana at one of the many local dispensaries (indicated by a green cross) – however, there is also an official card that one can get from Santa Clara county for $150 after the doctors note. Some dispensaries/collective actually test the stuff to make sure they label the dosage correctly – others, not so much. Honestly, right now we are just setting things in motion, so that if it becomes needed it is an option. I’m worried about the side effects of the anti-anxiety drugs (they can be habit forming) – so alternatives might make more sense. We’ll see.

    On the other side of things, I’m supposed to get a neulasta shot tomorrow – which is used to boost the white blood cell count. My insurance company won’t approve me going to Stanford for the shot – rather, I’m supposed to do it myself. It is a subcutaneous (in between skin and fat) injection, which is similar to how one gives insulin, so Scott is rather familiar with the process. My chemo nurse at Stanford gave us a lesson on how to do it. It is actually going to be more convenient for us this way, as it means that Scott can give it to me after work, rather than having to take more time off to drive up to Stanford for a simple needle.

    The problem is getting the actual medication. Stanford put the order into my pharmacy but the insurance wouldn’t go through (the neulasta shots are about $4000 each). So they called Stanford who tried to get it approved, only to be told that we needed to make the request (so it couldn’t be made on behalf of us), we called, to be told that there is no pre-authorization, so Stanford needs to call to do the pre-authorization (and get an urgent pre-auth done). Once we hear that the pre-auth is done, Scott needs to call back Express Scripts and have a supervisor do an override (which may also need insurance authorization). Once we get the override, then our local pharmacy can fill the prescription. However, this all needs to happen before 8pm tonight as the pharmacy doesn’t stock neulasta, so they need to order it today so that it arrives by mid-day tomorrow.

    If we don’t get the insurance approval until tomorrow, we will need to find a pharmacy that actually stocks neulasta (either Stanford or hopefully one at the Palo Alto Medical Foundation, as they are closer).

    One way or another it will happen … just a lot more drama than I would have liked. Not sure why this pre-auth requirement didn’t surface sooner as they have known for over a week that I was starting chemo today. But, as the saying goes, ‘it is what it is’ … we shall deal with it.

  • First day of chemo

    So today was day 1 of chemo. It was a little emotional when she pushed the Doxorubicin (A) – they closed the curtains when I started crying – but the emotions didn’t last too long. The A only took about 10 minutes (three vials).

    While they were doing it, the person across from me was serenaded. When you have your last treatment, all the nurses get together and sing you a goodbye song “hey now your chemo is done”.

    The Cyclophosphamide (C) takes an hour via IV drip bag. I don’t notice much except the smell. Even with the saline I notice a smell. It is kind of weird because it is a smell that comes from the inside of my nose, rather than something outside. Very odd.

    I am very thankful that Scott is here. He has been refilling my water bottle and retrieving random things from my bag, so I can sit back in the lazy boy and relax.

    So far, so good.

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