I was certain

When you are certain

When you are certain, your emotions run high.

When you are certain, you can easily be triggered.

When you are certain, you can be wrong.

I was certain. 

I was triggered by a statement from my oncologist’s office. The nurse called me on Friday to remind me of a telephone appointment on the Tuesday. I replied with, yes, I know, I will get my CT results. She then said, “Yes, I see that. Have a good weekend”. 

I was certain.

I read into her “have a good weekend” a tone that concerned me. I was sure she was telling me to have a good weekend because after the weekend my whole world was going to change. 

I was certain.

I was triggered by a visioning activity, when I was asked envision what the community would be doing in five years time. What went through my mind was that they would be helping my husband grieve. I visualized him and my puppy helping each other — helping them learn to live without me — and how my puppy would not understand what was happening. It still brings tears to my eyes. 

I was certain. 

The phone rang. My oncologist gave me the news. The scans were clear. But what about the symptoms? We can do a couple more tests, but the scans are clear. There is no sign of the cancer having returned. 

I was certain, but I was wrong. Now what? 

I remember the last time I felt so certain the cancer had returned. It was back in 2019. I remember going on vacation and then doing a PET/CT upon returning home. I remember waiting for the phone call, and being completely shocked that it came back clear. 

It is not a wave that suddenly releases. It takes time to unwind the tension and decompress from the stress. It takes time to figure out what now? 

I was so certain. 

Back then, I wrote “I remind myself, the scans are clear. It is not cancer. Hopefully soon I will believe it.”

Hopefully soon I will believe it. 

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