I’m struggling right now. I couldn’t completely figure out why – but looking at the calendar reminds me.

Part of my struggle is that with Cali recovering from her surgery, we cannot go out to the beach for a walk run. I’m missing that reflective time and the various laughs as she does something dorky.

I found a lot of odd feelings around Cali’s surgery – the spaying rather than the exploratory surgery which just had me scared. The spaying felt odd. I found myself reflecting on all the feelings and thoughts I went through in deciding to keep my ovaries. I debated it a lot, because my cancer was fed by estrogen. But I just couldn’t have them take away another body part – and especially another body part that is core to my identification as a female being. I had already lost my breasts. So, it was a weird feeling taking away Cali’s ovaries. I know, she is a dog. I’m having to remind myself of that! It is the responsible thing to do. It just feels weird.

Which reminds me, from my last post, I mentioned that the vet had said my puppy had appendicitis, but dog don’t have an appendix. I asked the vet, and he explained that they didn’t but that was the closest comparison. In essence, her tummy was all inflamed and angry on the inside.

And now that time of year hits me again. Facebook reminds me of various things – but really, it starts to sink in when I see the photo of Scott on his bike. The photo that I took on the bike ride after unpacking my last box. The bike ride after which I showered and first felt a hard spot on my left chest. That hard spot that led to a diagnosis of breast cancer. So ya, that chain of memories has started.

I’m hoping that is all that is happening – that it is just the memories of the time of year that is dragging me down. Hopefully, I’ll pop out of this funk soon. ugg.

Feature image by Eric Ward on Unsplash.