I sometimes need to just cry. It has been awhile since I’ve had that feeling. It used to be that my eyes would plug up (they produce goopy oils that don’t always clear on their own) – so a cry would help that out. The cry also helps with processing feelings – it just feels better after a good cry.

Every since my cancer diagnosis, I haven’t been able to watch some TV shows. Some I enjoy, but others that I used to enjoy I can no longer watch – specifically, I cannot watch Criminal Minds anymore. I cannot deal with the suspense. I find the high suspense level increases the stress response in my body, and I just cannot handle it anymore.

I’m also very aware of things that cause me stress. I find that I do my best to remove myself from the situation. Having to re-live and re-tell the issue at Stanford and the catheter has been one of those challenges. It was important that the feedback be provided, but also it is a source of stress that I no longer wish to retell, and relive … I just want that to be over.

I am glad that the next season of TV shows has started up again, as I often find that TV helps me cry when I need it. After watching this weeks episode of Parenthood, I cried almost all the way through it – and I feel a lot better. I needed that good cry … it just made me feel a little less sorry for myself, and a little better in general.

I’m looking forward to a bunch of my regular TV shows to start back up again. I’ve been watching reality TV shows (mostly cooking shows) a lot lately (I can watch whole seasons on Hulu) but they don’t make me cry and provide that same catharsis.

And now, despite my joint pain I am going to go out for a walk. We have a new working theory on the cause of the pain … and it if is true then hopefully within the next few days things will start to get better rather than worse … let’s see how today goes … yesterday was just over 2km, with two breaks to sit down, which is a drastic decrease over last week. I’ve taken several rest days, so this is not about me over-doing it … definitely need to get to the bottom of it before I start a new medication where one of the possible side effects is joint pain (although I’m told with tamoxifen, the joint pain is relieved by exercise – where what I have now is worsened by exercise).