BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: YogaMOOC

  • Mindfulness and CBT – A #yogamooc reflection

    YogaMOOC has caused me to reflect on the relationship between mindfulness and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). In the past I have been challenged with mindfulness instruction. In part, this has been because the instructors taught what worked for them, or what they had been told to teach, but what works for one person may be very different than what works for another. For example, I find that the exercise to focus on my breath really helps me, but I got nothing out of compassion meditation or body scans. For me, mindfulness is about the singular focus and the ability to see my thoughts and let go of them without judgement. I can do this when focusing on my breath – it doesn’t work nearly as well when I’m distracted by other meditations. But that is me. It will be different for everyone.

    In this sense, I see mindfulness as a way to practice seeing my thoughts, and separating me from my thoughts. When I practice mindfulness meditation, I see my thoughts as thought-bubbles, and I watch them come and go, trying to ensure that I don’t attach onto any of them. My therapist described it as “thought” as sense, like smell or touch. We recognized our senses, and mindfulness is a way to learn to recognize our thoughts as a sense.

    Cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) on the other hand is about changing thoughts. The premise behind it is that you can change the way you feel by changing the way you think. The first step to any cognitive behavioral therapy is to recognize what you are thinking. Once you recognize it, you can categorize it or label it, then you can apply a technique to allow you to change it. Since I learned about CBT, much of the time I’m able to recognize my thoughts and fix them when they are broken. For example, I found myself procrastinating in writing my dissertation. I am normally very self-motivated, so when I saw that procrastination I knew there was something wrong. Further, I had told myself that I would ignore any symptoms that might indicate that my cancer has spread until after I finished the first draft of my dissertation. Somehow, my mind had translated that into ‘when you finish your dissertation, your cancer will spread’. It is completely illogical, but it was how my mind had warped one coping mechanism into another – which in turn lead to me procrastinating. Once I recognized what was going on (it is called ‘magical thinking’ in CBT language), I was able to burst that bubble. I know that my cancer will either spread or it wont and that has nothing to do with when I finish my dissertation. Those two things are not logically linked. By recognizing the thought patterns – stepping back and seeing them – I am now able to debunk the thought patterns and change them.

    In some ways, mindfulness then is the first step in CBT. First you need to recognize the thoughts you are having. One challenge I have is learning not to judge the thoughts. If I judge them as right or wrong, good or bad, then I cannot get to the root of what is causing the thought, nor can I figure out what technique to use to change the thought. I just need to recognize that the thought is happening and that it is a thought that I wan to change.

    Now to get back to working on my dissertation!

  • Happiness and hiking, it’s about the journey not the destination #yogamooc

    Happiness and hiking, it’s about the journey not the destination #yogamooc

    I watched the #YogaMOOC video on A river of wellbeing and struggled with what she was trying to say. I had my husband listen to the video as well and he agreed. But then I tried to summarize the idea – and it was simple. Happiness is not a destination, it is a journey.

    I reflected on this while hiking yesterday. I love it when I see things differently while hiking. The hike itself isn’t about the destination – it is all about the journey. It is about spending 2 hours in nature and just experiencing what is around me. I looked up to the hills and thought – wow, fall colours. In Ottawa, the fall colours are bright red, orange, and yellow – as the leaves on the trees turn before falling for the winter. In the hills to the east of me, the fall colours are the greens of vegetation coming back to life after a dry summer, but contrasted with the almost white grasses that have dried up over the summer – it make the contrast so much more vibrant.

    Or maybe it is just that I was seeing nature in a more vibrant way – experiencing the journey and not the destination.

    Then I turned a corner and saw movement. At first I thought it might be a mountain lion – it certainly was not a deer – but then it turned and it was clearly a wild boar. I didn’t want to get too close so I started talking loudly to myself. It ran.

    I continued walking and then noticed some more movement. Another adult boar and three little ones. I really didn’t want to get too close to them. Fortunately, once they notice me they ran away – right towards some deer in the distance – who also scattered when the boar came towards them.

    When I finished the hike, made it to my destination, I reflected on the journey. I felt a sense of peacefulness.

    This week we are talking about our attachment to mobile devices and specifically Smartphones. Most of the areas where I hike there is no connectivity. I am disconnected from the world while I hike – however, I’m not really disconnected. My smartphone and my watch track my path. My watch vibrates to signal that I’ve walked a mile. My phone maps out the entire journey.

    My phone is also my camera. It allows me to take pictures of the moments I want to share, and the moments I want to remember.

    I am both connected and disconnected. Connected to the GPS, but also connected to my body, and more importantly connected to nature. Connected to the world around me. Disconnected from the internet, temporarily, but connected to the natural world. That is the journey. That is happiness.

     

  • Goals for YogaMOOC – and breathing after breast cancer surgery

    Goals for YogaMOOC – and breathing after breast cancer surgery

    This week we were challenged with setting our goals for Yoga MOOC – truth be told, I didn’t watch the entire goal video. I’m good at setting small manageable goals as well as longer term stretch goals.

    My goal for YogaMOOC is to try everything at least once. I’m working my way through the videos, 5 minutes at a time. You see, my computer is setup to kick me off every 30 minutes – enforcing a minimum 5 minute break. That lets me do yoga MOOC in those breaks (as well as other chores like going the dishes and making coffee). When I find something that works, I keep it. When I don’t, I move on to the next thing.

    One of the surprising things that is working for me is the short mindfulness meditation exercise (this video – https://youtu.be/Ui5RA6AYZVQ). I find myself more focused and more at peace after doing it. So, I’ve added that in as a regular break. The first time I did it, I was challenged because I did not anticipate the pause in the audio. I was laying down with my eyes closed focusing on the tip of my nose and all of a sudden the sound went off – no more background noise – I thought the video had stopped playing, so I opened my eyes to take a look. I’d recommend that whatever the background noise is, that it be kept, so that it is an obvious intentional break in the speaking, and not a failure of the video to load (the joys of tech).

    The breathing video was particularly challenging (add to the didn’t work for me pile), because it had people laying on their stomach. Fortunately, I discovered this at a yoga retreat that I attended that I need to address breathing differently. My previous yoga training (prior to cancer surgery) had already taught me to stomach breathing (diaphragmatic breath). My chest surgery caused me to use diaphragmatic breathing as a default, but also caused me to not to fill the top of my lungs when I breath – so instead of feeling my stomach when doing breathing exercises, I actually need to practice feeling my chest expand. I also have a lack of feeling in both my chest and stomach, so laying on the mat on my stomach doesn’t help me. I need to use my hands to help determine where my breathing is happening. When I lay on my back with my hands on my stomach, I can feel where the breath is coming from.

    I’ve taken a photo of my step (sorry cannot get a selfie of me in it, I’ll try get remember to get my hubby to take a photo).

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    I put my legs up no the shower stool (it makes a great leg rest for yoga – which I only discovered yesterday!). I have a small pillow for my head as my yoga mat isn’t overly thick/soft. Also notice that I have my iPad with a chef stand to the side. Here I can play the videos while in position. I find this works really well for the meditation. I’m not yet sold on the body scan – but I’ll try that again tomorrow and see if is something that I’ll keep. I’ll definitely keep the mindfulness meditation practice.

    Now for the off the mat mini-checkin (https://youtu.be/t_n3n9UrQM8), I’ve decided to reenable the breath notifications on my Apple Watch. I’ve set it to ask me every 3 hours to breath. It is a one minute break where it walks you through taking deep breaths. I can use that time to step back and reflect on how I’m feeling at the moment. Asking myself how my back is doing (I have lower back pain issues)? How much energy do I have? Am I hungry? Am I being productive at my computer or is my mind just wondering? Is it time to get out and do some exercise?

    So far, I’m enjoying Yoga MOOC – http://yogamooc.com/ – and I’m hoping it will translate to me being more productive with my dissertation work!

  • YogaMOOC – Yoga and body awareness after breast cancer surgery

    Yesterday I tried to do the full yoga class that launched week 1 of yoga MOOC. I wish that the video began with a statement about being kind to your body while you attempt this practice, but also not feeling like you need to do it all. Fortunately, I have some experience with yoga, so I knew not to push myself too much. I managed 20 minutes, but then had to stop. My upper body (shoulders) could not handle that much strain.

    One area that I am highly aware of is what my body feels like when I am laying on my stomach on the mat. After my breast cancer surgery (double mastectomy with flap reconstruction), I do not have any sensation in my stomach or my chest. I become especially aware of this when I do yoga postures that involve laying on my stomach on the mat.

    It has been almost 3 years since my surgery – and yet that part of my body is still foreign. In my everyday movements, I’m mostly unaware of the numbness. It has become ‘normal’ for me. I am comfortable with my body and I don’t think about it as much anymore – but yoga brings that back. I cannot do those postures without the reminder that I cannot feel. Afterwards, I find myself rubbing my belly – proprioception – I use my hands as a way to remind my mind of those parts of my body that I do not feel. Since my hands do have sensation, they help with that awareness.

    Although I only managed 20 minutes, I did find that afterwards my mind was much more settled. There was a calm that came with it. My body ached, but my mind felt a sense of calm and relaxation. I think that may have been because I followed the breathing – there was an awareness and focus on the practice that I was able to sustain for 20 minutes.

    I also doubted myself. I felt like this type of yoga was too advanced for what my body could do. Post surgery I took some restorative yoga classes – these classes were focused on slow movements, stretching, and meditation. We spent a good 10-15 minutes in a position of relaxation and meditation at the end of the class. It felt good.

    Although I feel challenged, I’m also rather proud of how much I can physically do. I remember the first time I tried post surgery and I couldn’t get myself up off the floor without the help of a chair. And then I couldn’t do most of a sun salutation because my stomach muscles were so weak – holding the plank/push-up position was impossible. Now I can do most of the positions, but I don’t necessarily have the strength to hold them that long.

    I would have loved to seen in the video of the class, some students struggling – some students doing modified poses – some sign that what I should do when I couldn’t do the pose – when I found myself skipping segments, I didn’t know if I should be standing, sitting, or doing child’s pose. That caused my mind to lose focus on the practice because I was worried about not knowing what to do – and then spending the energy trying to figure out what I should do. I stopped because I felt like I had enough – it was time for me to move on. But I was also left with that sense of peace and calm, and that is what I want to reclaim – not just the physical parts but the mindfulness parts.

    That’s where I got to after day 1 – today I’m watching more of the videos that talk about the theory of yoga, and I might attempt a mat practice or two — or I might go to the gym and sweat a little – cause that too helps my body and mind.

  • Yoga MOOC

    With a little help from my friends, I’ve decided to jump in and try out the Yoga MOOC – which starts next week (this week is week 0).

    A MOOC is a free open online course (MOOC stands for Massive Open Online Course). You can pay money and get a certificate of completion, but really, I don’t care about certificates. I’m  most interested in the science behind wellness and how that might help me.

    And so, I’ve signed up. I cannot say much else about it right now – but you’ll likely see a weekly blog post here.

    I debated where to put the post. I usually blog about MOOCs over on my academic blog, but this MOOC is different. I’m not doing it to support professional development. I’m doing it for myself. I’m doing it for my friends. I’m hoping that it will help me find ways to get more joy out of life.

    If you are interested, I encourage you to come join me in exploring wellbeing in the digital age – http://yogamooc.com/ … feel free to leave a comment if you are going to join in …

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