BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: PhD

  • I almost didn’t go …

    I almost didn’t go …

    My proposal for a paper presentation at the Health Humanities Consortium Conference in Houston in March was accepted. When I was first accepted I was really excited about it. Then the plane tickets cost a little more than I’d like. I found myself doubting – do I really want to go? I found myself justifying all the reasons why I might not go.

    It was the celiac talking. It was me trying to avoid going out because the food might make me sick. I was deciding not to go because of fear – not for any really good reason.

    Yes, I’m nervous about the travel – air travel makes me anxious. I used to love it, now I worry that I’ll starve, and end up packing so much food that all I do is eat my way through the flight.

    I worry that I’ll be hungry during the conference. I even asked the conference organizer about food – which they haven’t planned yet. I got an awesome reply. They said they’d try – I cannot really ask for more.

    Once I realized the reason my waffling was fear talking, I decided to push through. I booked my flights, hotel, and registered for the conference. I’m committed now.

    I haven’t been sick since July. That is six months without accidentally consuming gluten. My blood anti-body levels are back to normal. From a celiac perspective, I am healthy.

    I have also tried to get past my fears on a local level. The other day I went out for fish tacos at my favourite local taco place. I only had one thing – fish tacos. I figured that if I tried anything else and got sick I wouldn’t know what made me sick. Next time I’ll try the carnitas (pulled pork) tacos. If I get sick then I know I need to stick to fish. I find that I need to take this one step at a time.

    I’ve also learned that if I’m going to branch out and try something – I might as well try a lot of it and really enjoy it. You see – if something is going to make me sick it doesn’t matter how much I eat. The level of sickness I experience is no different between a quarter teaspoon of flour and two cups of flour, so if something is going to make me sick I might as well get the most of it and really enjoy it – as it will likely be the last time I try it.

    Of course, now that I’ve decided to go the conference, I need to figure out my presentation. I’m working on my research now. I won’t get a huge amount of time to talk – so my presentation will need to be short and focused. I realize now that my past presentations have been a bit scattered – they have included snippets that were not relevant to the message – they may have been relevant to me personally, but they were not relevant to the overall storyline or the message I was trying to send. So now, I’m trying to figure out – what will be the theme for my short presentation?

    Feature image CC0 via Pexels.

  • Transitions matter

    Talking to my friend Stacey this morning, and reflecting on the BCC (Bay Area Women’s Cancer Connections) Young Women’s Group for those in treatment and post treatment, I see a need for some form of “graduation ceremony” or “bridging ceremony” .

    At the BCC Young Women’s group, what I noticed was a very large group, where many close connections had been made. But also, the group was too big for those of us who were new. It was a bit intimidating, but also in order to give each person the 10-15 minutes they needed the group ran over 2.5 hours – which if you are actively in chemo treatment, is just plain exhausting. I had to choose not to attend because I couldn’t bare the thought of being there that long right after treatment.

    I struggle with the group being both “in treatment” and “post treatment” because they have another group which is a survivorship group. But what I saw was that with young women the actual post treatment is a long time. Treatment isn’t just surgery, chemo, rads .. it can involve several more surgeries and lots of follow ups. It is almost like they need three groups, one for those of us “in treatment” – cancer warriors as I like to refer to us. But I also see the need for another group to help those who have moved beyond that “in treatment” stage who are still fighting the issues of reoccurrence and addition proactive surgeries. So I see the need for the group, but also I see the need for people to make the transition to other groups, post-treatment, and survivorship, but there is no mechanism that I see to encourage that transition. Without that gentle ‘kick’ to move from one group to the next, the initial group doesn’t provide the support it needs to provide to the young women who are newly navigating the experience.

    In my discussions with Stacey this morning, I heard her desire to not be seen as “cancer Stacey”, but rather some new “Stacey” who isn’t first and foremost someone surviving Cancer. Again, I see this as a huge transition. It is a graduation of sorts. Not all women make that transition at particular time, but at some point the transition usually happens. For me personally, I’m looking to the Avon Walk and next fall when I formally re-emerge in into my thesis process as that transition. In the spring, I will begin by attending academic conferences, where I’ll still clearly be Cancer-Becky – as I’ll be hairless, and I may even be presenting on topics relating to being a breast cancer blogger. But in the fall, I will be writing my dissertation, and reporting on my life before cancer. I won’t be writing as “cancer-Becky” I’ll be writing as Ed-Tech Rebecca.

    Similar to working through the PhD process, it is important to celebrate the transition we make. Some of them are easily identified (e.g. passing comprehensive exams, getting your proposal accepted, the last day of chemo!). Others are more mental transitions, that take time … but when we are ready to self-identify and make those transitions, it would be so much easier if there were a more formal way to make that declaration – to celebrate the change.

    So Stacey .. if you are ready to make the transition, how do you want to celebrate it?

  • Moving forward

    I now have a surgery date – December 17th. It isn’t exactly the date I wanted, but it is something that I can work with. With that in place, I can now start to move forward with my life.

    Over the last week I have started to move beyond my diagnosis. My life is becoming less about cancer-Becky and I am looking at a re-emergence as academic-Rebecca. I have talked to my supervisor and put a plan in place that will allow me to move forward with my PhD. I’ve talked to the very supportive folks at the Department of Family Medicine who are also onboard to help me move forward. I am thankful for all the support I’m getting.

    But the whole idea is still rather difficult. I’ve had to turn down a couple of conference presentations – the most recent being Dev Learn – which is disappointing, but there is no way I could travel to Vegas during chemo and present at a conference. It would be too much. I’ve decided that I’ll try a near-by conference first – one in Berkeley where I’ve had a poster accepted. I can get to Berkeley in 2 hours via public transit. It will be my first academic conference post-surgery (end of February), and I most likely won’t have hair. I have nice outfits that I can wear that will work with a flat chest, if I choose not to wear foobs, but I haven’t thought yet about what I shall do about my head. The whole idea of conferencing seems a little overwhelming right now – and yet I know it is something that I need to do as part of my re-emergence.

    In this re-emergence, I am already thinking about my new identity – and how much I might want my identities to overlap. I’m considering a proposal for the Canadian Conference on Medical Education (CCME) relating to this blog, my experience as a cancer patient, but also my role as a non-physician medical educator. I’m not sure what that presentation would look like yet – I need to do some more consultations with friends and colleagues in the medical education field, and with any luck find one or more people interested in collaborating on something. I feel like there is something important to be learned in this process, I just don’t know what it is yet. I’d like to talk about the power of social media as a cancer patient – perhaps the role of social media in cancer patient education – and what medical students, residents, and physicians can learn from the new ‘connected’ patient experience.

    My forward moving may get delayed now and then – and I certainly am not moving at the same pace as I was before diagnosis or chemo – I am glad, however, to be making some progress.

  • Seriousness is sinking in

    I’m starting to shed my hair. I noticed at first when I use the toilet, and then again when I dried my hair after the shower – seeing enough bits of hair in the towel that I had to throw it in the wash!

    At Wednesday’s oncologist appointment, when I asked about surgery timing, specifying my desire to spend a week in Hawaii before surgery, the point was made not to push it too late. There is enough time for that week, but I should not plan on pushing surgery out 2-3 months. The comment was in the lines of “we’ve done all this chemo, don’t waste it”. This cancer won’t be killed that easily – even if the masses shrink to smaller sizes they need to be removed.

    Yesterday, I got a short synopsis of the pathology of the third mass (the small one in my left breast). It is DCIS PR/HR+,HER2- with a small Ki-67 (<5%). This is sometimes called pre-cancerous or cancer in the duct itself, as it has not yet spread to the surrounding breast tissue. DCIS has a high likelihood of turning into IDC (which my other two masses are). So this is my magic number three cancer.

    I say magic number three because that seems to be my meditation number. When I took swimming lessons last fall, the instructor has me breath after every three strokes. Ever since then, three seemed to be a better number for me for meditating. When I do yoga, I hold poses for three breaths, and when I try to calm my nerves to sleep I count my breathes 1-2-3 and then repeat. So three seems to be my number.

    So, now that I have three cancers, it can stop there! No need to go any further!

    My plan for a triathlon before surgery will likely need to be reschedule until after surgery. The window won’t be long enough for me to manage it and Hawaii at the same time – and Hawaii is definitely something I plan to do (Maui more specifically – easy to get to from here and an easy island to get around).

    I do, however, have a new plan for after surgery. One of the wonderful ladies on the Flat and Fabulous Facebook group has inspired me to aim to trapeze at Club Med Cancun in the fall of 2015. I want to be fully recovered from surgery such that I can do something so crazy as swing from a trapeze – plus they have sailing and kayaking too … some nice serious activities that require upper body strength.

    I am finding this process of hurdles not dissimilar to doing a PhD. At each phase there are additional hurdles to overcome. One bit of advice we are given in the PhD is to celebrate each hurdle as you complete it. My first hurdle is AC chemo. I’ve done two treatments, so one could say 1/2 way, but that would not be fair … as I still need to recover from this second treatment before I can truthfully call it done!

    I am happy that I am starting to get some productive days back. My life isn’t all about cancer anymore. I am re-emerging into my academic life, trying to pull together as much as I can to make a dissertation out of my existing thesis project. I have a couple of things that need to happen in the fall that hopefully I can make happen. If they do, then I shall have enough data to turn it into something. I have learned a lot, and do have a lot to share – I just need close it off and put it all together.

    So with the seriousness of this disease sinking in, what is also sinking in is my need to focus on the future – and on what comes afterwards (or at least what I’m going to do with the next year and a half that doesn’t involve chemo and cancer surgery).

  • Pondering the PhD

    (This article is cross-posted on http://rjh.goingeast.ca).

    When I was diagnosed with breast cancer, one of my first decisions was to put my PhD on hold. I had the opportunity to take a one year (maybe longer) leave of absence in the program (that is, to stop the clock). This was a pretty clear decision as my data collection was not complete, and in order to complete it, I would need to travel to Ottawa once per month over the next 6-8 months, which was no longer going to be possible.

    With the stop in my PhD data collection, my current research study is coming to an end. I have a few loose ends to tie up, but, unfortunately, I do not believe there will be enough data or enough of a study to complete a dissertation (I may get one or two journal articles out of the data).  I am proud of the current state of the first phase of the study, which resulted in the content on the website http://ipad-fm.ca and the eBook “iPadagogy: Employing the iPad as a Clinical Teaching Tool”, which is now available in the iBooks Store.

    I’m not sure what I’m going to do when I finish treatment. Treatment just began (20 weeks of chemotherapy, which will be followed by at least two surgeries that will take another 6 months for recovery).

    I am pondering my options. In an ideal world, I would go back and begin a new project. One that only takes 3-4 months in data collection, and that would allow me to then get to data analysis and writing of the dissertation. I’ve already spend three and half years doing coursework, writing comprehensive exams, and writing a research proposal. I’ve done small research projects and written and published several peer-reviewed conference papers. I just need to do a good research study that allows me to demonstrate that I can do this, and that gives me enough useful data to write a dissertation.

    Looking at going forward options, I am wondering about transferring to another university. I am wondering if there is any way in which to transfer that doesn’t requires a complete ‘restart’. I’m not particularly interested in going back to do two more years of coursework. I’m OK with repeating some stuff, but I’d like a streamlined process. If I’m studying in Canada (or the US I think), I may still be able to access the last two semesters of my SSHRC Doctoral Fellowship – so I even bring with me some funding although not enough to finish the degree. I live in California, and now for medical reasons, a relocation within the next 3-5 years would be complicated and is not really something I’d consider. I’d like to be able to complete my PhD (or EdD for that matter) at a distance – and I’d like to look at some aspect of distance education, the use of new technologies, and faculty development. I also have developed a side interest in medical education – so if there is any cross section of distance education, new technologies, faculty development, and medical education that would be even more interesting – although the medical education aspect is not essential (I’m not an MD).

    Today I came across Terry Anderson’s post on “Online Distance Education – Towards a Research Agenda“. My particular areas of interest are identified as:

    • The Use of Technology in distance education
    • The Cost and Economics of Distance Education (although I’d need to do a lot more reading in this area before I could study it).
    • Professional development and faculty support

    Actually, I find it interesting that the topics that most interest me all fall within the area categorization of “Meso-level research: Management, Organization, and Technology”.

    So, I shall ask anyone reading my blog – any suggestions for Doctorate programs that might allow someone with special circumstances such as mine to transfer in?  I’m not 100% certain that this is what I will want do when I’m done treatment, but I do want to explore the options so I know what is feasible / realistic. Thanks.

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