BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: Opinion

  • Breast cancer prevention

    It is with mixed feelings that I read about breast cancer prevention. It is not that I want anyone to get breast cancer, I would not wish that on anyone. It is just that when I read about prevention, I enter that world of regret. I start running through the if onlys

    …if only I had thrown out the water bottles with BPA sooner
    …if only I ate less red meat
    …if only I ate less sugar

    In general, I’m very good at not regretting the past. There is nothing I can do about it now, so no point in dwelling on it right?

    But still, when I hear of a charity that focuses on breast cancer prevention, I’m filled with both regret and doubt (can we really prevent breast cancer?).

    One charity that works to help prevent breast cancer by providing public advocacy and education campaigns based upon scientific evidence (not personal opinion – there are way too many personal anecdotes about what causes cancer!) is the Breast Cancer Fund.

    On October 11 (Canadian Thanksgiving Weekend), Scott and I will be doing a day hike that is a fundraiser for the Breast Cancer Fund. It is a good chance for us to meet some new people (we’ve joined a team captained by a friend-of-a-friend) while going on a hike up Mount Tam in Marin County (just north of San Francisco). It is an area that we haven’t yet explored, so that too should be fun. Mostly, it is a great excuse to get out, and help me get motivated to train for my walk down Mount Haleakalā in December. As this is a fundraiser walk, we could use a little help with fundraising …

    To support Scott’s hike: http://prevention.breastcancerfund.org/goto/scottd

    To support Becky’s hike: http://prevention.breastcancerfund.org/goto/rhogue

  • Food Angst … never surrender

    For much of my adult life, my diet has been about control. I can choose to control what I eat, and as a control freak that is important. I’ve tried several different diets to no avail. Mostly, I’ve learned that my body doesn’t like some foods and it likes others. I’m lactose intolerant but my body is happier when I eat dairy – so I try to stick to dairy that my body likes, perhaps with the exception of ice cream. I may eat a little more ice-cream than I should, but at least it is organic “healthy” ice cream. That’s got to count for something.

    I went through a phase where I didn’t eat gluten. That didn’t go over well. My body likes wheat. I’m allergic to alternatives (quinoa and spelt).

    I’ve learned to listen to my body. Certain foods cause it grief (e.g. tomatoes cause eczema to act up, peppers and walnuts cause heartburn), so I avoid them. Other foods I enjoy.

    Going through chemo has meant that some rules had to be applied to what I eat – e.g no sushi or cold cuts for risk of listeria – but otherwise, all bets were off. I was given free reign to eat whatever I wanted, in part because there were days that I just needed calories. And there is that trust that, since I’m considered “healthy” for a cancer patient, that my diet and exercise regime are already good.

    However, at support group the question comes up “how has your diet changed as a result of cancer?” There is often a discussion about the link between cancer and sugar. I’ve done those diets too BTW – I went totally off sugar and lost a lot of weight but also lost energy. I went totally off sugar substitutes, not wanting my diet to be full of chemicals. I now generally avoid refined sugars, but I am guilty of eating pasta and white bread but I avoid potatoes. I find that too much of diets are fads – and little is truly known about what actually works or doesn’t work. I question whether there is such a thing as a “cancer diet”. Sure, people who used to eat a lot of fast food and junk, stop eating fast food and junk, they do better – but does that mean that sugar is the cause? An the article that crossed my stream today about the link between soy protein and cancer. This particularly annoys me, as it treats all soy as if were one thing. So the highly processed soy protein isolate used in the study is being made equivalent to the whole soy bean (edemame). When I asked the cancer nutritionist about soy, her comment was that whole soy such as edemame and tofu were good, but soy protein isolate which is often used in supplements (and check your granola bars and breakfast cereals) is a bad thing. So, when I read that article, it feels more like fear mongering about all soy, when in fact, some soy might actually be good for you. Note that the asian diet that is mentioned, which is typically a low cancer diet, involves a lot of whole soy products rather than highly processed derivatives.

    Before cancer, I ate a pretty healthy balanced diet, with mostly organic fruits and vegetables and definitely organic meats. Frankly, there are so many variables at play when it comes to diet – I’m just not convinced that whether or not I choose to have a little more ice cream or a brownie will have any affect on my overall health. I just hate being subjected to the guilt around my diet. I hate questioning and feeling guilty because my body is craving red meat, so I choose to have a steak for dinner (buffalo, not beef – so hormone free, grass-fed).

    I don’t want cancer to dictate what I eat. Having cancer means I have lost control of a lot what my body does. I have lost control over how I physically feel, and I’ve completely lost control over my schedule (as much as I try to manage it), and if I could only gain control over my red blood cell production! There are too many areas of my life where I have lost control. I’m not willing to give up control over what I choose to eat. Now, there are days when I don’t really have much choice – queasiness or mouth sores have severely limited what I could eat. I just hate that “cancer diets” propose to make me feel guilty for eating food that I want to eat!

    I’ve decide I have a new theme song when it comes to cancer diets … I’m going to “Never Surrender” (one of my favourite songs when I was teenager) …

  • The transformative power of a bike ride

    One of the hardest things I’ve done lately, was to get out of bed after my afternoon nap, and get on my bike. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the energy for it – I did. I’m in a strong phase right now. It was that I was sad. And not the type of sad that happens when I have a needed breakdown, but the kind of sad that looks a lot like depression – and that scares me.

    So, I dragged my ass out of bed and had a bowl of ice cream. I’m allowed comfort foods whenever I want them! And when you are sad, they help a little … plus I knew I would need the energy, cause if I was going to get off my ass and go for a bike ride I needed to ensure my body was fueled before I left.

    So, I did it. I got changed and hopped on my road bike. For the first half hour of riding, I cried. My nose ran – most annoying side effect of chemo hair loss is that you lose the hair in your nose so your nose runs a lot sooner when you cry. I allowed myself to cry. I contemplated anti-depressant medication. I know that at some point I will probably need it, but I want to avoid it if I can. There are side effects to that as well.

    About a half hour into my ride something changed – the endorphins kicked in – I suddenly started to see the beauty around me. I stopped to take this picture as the bird seem to be posing just for me.

    2014-07-30 19.10.26 HDRThe bike ride transformed me – from sad-Becky back into warrior-Becky. For the remainder of the ride I worked out the important arguments in a letter to the Editor for the New York Times relating to my recent blog post on bilateral mastectomies, that I plan to write (hopefully later this evening). Thank-you for those who have encouraged me to write something more formal.

    I cannot say that I am no longer sad – I am just not dysfunctionally sad. I’ve moved past that part and can now start to pull my thoughts back together into actions. I hope to get out for another ride first thing tomorrow morning before it gets hot and sunny (since I cannot swim tomorrow due to low blood counts).

  • What does it mean to be a survivor? … I am a warrior!

    Today I found myself seeking out definitions of cancer survivor. In my context, I don’t know what it means to be a survivor. I certainly am a cancer warrior – I’m in treatment, I am living each day – but what does it mean to survive?

    Some definitions involve the time after treatment, when you given a stamp of being “cancer free”. This doesn’t happen until after surgery, when the cancer has been removed from your body. But I do not know, with breast cancer, when I will be considered “cancer free”. After chemo, there will be surgery, after surgery there will be up to 10 years of anti-hormone therapy. Am I cancer free after the surgery if I’m given the all clear? Then the fight isn’t against cancer itself, it is against ‘recurrence’ – which is an invisible devil. Is that when I become a survivor? Or, am I a survivor if I remain cancer free after the anti-hormone therapy? When do I get to start celebrating my “cancer free” life?

    I have been loosely following the blogs of a few women with metastatic disease. These women are fighters – they are everyday warriors – and in my view I see them as survivors – as they have learned to live “with” cancer. So, in their case, survivorship becomes more about a mental process – about how they see themselves. With each day that they fight and they live, they are survivors.

    One of my fears is that I become a metastatic survivor – because the strength required to live with cancer is a lot greater than the strength to fight cancer. Chemotherapy is hard, and the entire thought of chemotherapy to slow the disease rather than chemotherapy to kill it, is impossible for me to contemplate right now. I can fight this, because I am a warrior and one day I want to be a survivor!

    As I wrote this post, I had the song by Scandal “The Warrior” going through my head – so I made Scott get up from reading his book and dance with me … cause ‘I am the warrior!’  I can see this becoming a regular ritual in our household!

  • Breast cancer pet peeve – it is not a “lump” (public service announcement)

    My breast cancer pet peeve of the day is the word “lump” … cause, well, it doesn’t FEEL like a lump! The word lump actually is misleading and causes too many women to NOT get something checked out. It is part of why I waited a week (fortunately, I only waited a week).

    So, first and foremost – get to know YOUR breasts. I checked mine every time I got in the shower. I suds up with soap and feel around and inspect. I also look at myself in the mirror and look down when I dry myself off. So, when something changed, I noticed!

    Many women have lumpy breasts. Some of the normal tissue in your breast feels lumpy. It isn’t the normal lumpiness that is the problem – it is the change that is problem. The first I heard of nipple retraction was AFTER I was diagnosed. What I noticed was a hard spot – an area that felt firmer than normal – which I initially associated with what I thought might be a muscle strain, but when it didn’t away I got it checked out.

    Screen Shot 2014-07-20 at 12.54.15

     

    Above is a MRI image of my left breast. It shows the two masses. The upper is a known malignancy – this is the one I felt and it is my largest mass (depending on the scan measuring somewhere between 3 and 4.7 cm in its widest dimension – MRI measured it smaller than ultrasound but they won’t really know until they take it out and do a full biopsy on it). It is not a regular shape – it is not this nice round “lump” – rather it is an irregularly shaped mass (it doesn’t look 3 cm in this angle, they measure it in three dimensions based upon the largest size). The bottom mass shows up on MRI only (I’m getting it biopsied tomorrow) – it is suspected to be cancer only because I already have a known malignancy. The point I wanted to make on this picture was the irregular shape of my breast. I can visually see when I look in the mirror, while looking down that my left breast isn’t smoothly curved. This is a sign that something is WRONG!

    BTW –  I think it is way cool that I can just sign a form and they mail me CDs with all the images from scans that have been taken. I find the MRI images particularly interesting. I get a full copy of the radiologist’s report, so I know which images are most interesting (there are 15,000 images from a standard diagnostic MRI).

    So, if you don’t do annual mammograms (and even if you do), it doesn’t hurt to just ‘cop a feel’ and check out your breast EVERY time you hop in the shower …

    OK… done with the public service announcement for the day. Time for a bike ride!

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