BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: Making decisions

  • Food Angst … never surrender

    For much of my adult life, my diet has been about control. I can choose to control what I eat, and as a control freak that is important. I’ve tried several different diets to no avail. Mostly, I’ve learned that my body doesn’t like some foods and it likes others. I’m lactose intolerant but my body is happier when I eat dairy – so I try to stick to dairy that my body likes, perhaps with the exception of ice cream. I may eat a little more ice-cream than I should, but at least it is organic “healthy” ice cream. That’s got to count for something.

    I went through a phase where I didn’t eat gluten. That didn’t go over well. My body likes wheat. I’m allergic to alternatives (quinoa and spelt).

    I’ve learned to listen to my body. Certain foods cause it grief (e.g. tomatoes cause eczema to act up, peppers and walnuts cause heartburn), so I avoid them. Other foods I enjoy.

    Going through chemo has meant that some rules had to be applied to what I eat – e.g no sushi or cold cuts for risk of listeria – but otherwise, all bets were off. I was given free reign to eat whatever I wanted, in part because there were days that I just needed calories. And there is that trust that, since I’m considered “healthy” for a cancer patient, that my diet and exercise regime are already good.

    However, at support group the question comes up “how has your diet changed as a result of cancer?” There is often a discussion about the link between cancer and sugar. I’ve done those diets too BTW – I went totally off sugar and lost a lot of weight but also lost energy. I went totally off sugar substitutes, not wanting my diet to be full of chemicals. I now generally avoid refined sugars, but I am guilty of eating pasta and white bread but I avoid potatoes. I find that too much of diets are fads – and little is truly known about what actually works or doesn’t work. I question whether there is such a thing as a “cancer diet”. Sure, people who used to eat a lot of fast food and junk, stop eating fast food and junk, they do better – but does that mean that sugar is the cause? An the article that crossed my stream today about the link between soy protein and cancer. This particularly annoys me, as it treats all soy as if were one thing. So the highly processed soy protein isolate used in the study is being made equivalent to the whole soy bean (edemame). When I asked the cancer nutritionist about soy, her comment was that whole soy such as edemame and tofu were good, but soy protein isolate which is often used in supplements (and check your granola bars and breakfast cereals) is a bad thing. So, when I read that article, it feels more like fear mongering about all soy, when in fact, some soy might actually be good for you. Note that the asian diet that is mentioned, which is typically a low cancer diet, involves a lot of whole soy products rather than highly processed derivatives.

    Before cancer, I ate a pretty healthy balanced diet, with mostly organic fruits and vegetables and definitely organic meats. Frankly, there are so many variables at play when it comes to diet – I’m just not convinced that whether or not I choose to have a little more ice cream or a brownie will have any affect on my overall health. I just hate being subjected to the guilt around my diet. I hate questioning and feeling guilty because my body is craving red meat, so I choose to have a steak for dinner (buffalo, not beef – so hormone free, grass-fed).

    I don’t want cancer to dictate what I eat. Having cancer means I have lost control of a lot what my body does. I have lost control over how I physically feel, and I’ve completely lost control over my schedule (as much as I try to manage it), and if I could only gain control over my red blood cell production! There are too many areas of my life where I have lost control. I’m not willing to give up control over what I choose to eat. Now, there are days when I don’t really have much choice – queasiness or mouth sores have severely limited what I could eat. I just hate that “cancer diets” propose to make me feel guilty for eating food that I want to eat!

    I’ve decide I have a new theme song when it comes to cancer diets … I’m going to “Never Surrender” (one of my favourite songs when I was teenager) …

  • Humour in the moment – which boobs should I wear?

    In this moment, we (Scott and I) often find ourselves laughing at things that are rather absurd, but real none-the-less. I recognize it clearly as a coping mechanism, and something that is definitely needed. But I’m also aware of how easily something funny can turn into something not funny.

    I recall back in my undergrad days, one of my friends had cancer. She had cancer before I knew her, and had a re-occurrence. I did not know her well, but well enough that I remember her clearly. Last I had heard she had two beautiful children and was doing well. I mention her because of a particular story. At her wedding shower (she had recently been diagnosed with the re-occurrence), we were laughing about this or that, and for some reason the jokes turned to wigs. There was laughing at first, but then a sudden transition to tears. This is what I’m aware of every time I laugh about something. I’m aware that at any moment that laugh will turn to a cry.

    Today’s laugh was about prosthetic breasts. I never even occurred to me that one would make special prosthetic breasts for swimming. They even make aerodynamic (or I guess aquadynamic) prosthetic breasts. Who knew? I was reminded of Aimee Mullins TED talk about her 12 pairs of legs. She talks about how having various legs allows her to be different heights. She talks about legs as things that allow her to specialize her superpowers (when she wants to run fast, she has special legs for that). So that got me thinking about fake boobs. You see, if I don’t opt for reconstruction, and if I end up with cancer in both then I too could have multiple sets of prosthetics for multiple purposes. I could have bigger boobs to fill out my favourite shirt, or smaller ones when I want to appear more professional. Then of course, it occurs to me, that people who saw me regularly would find it rather odd that my chest size kept changing, and how would you go clothes shopping? Which boobs would you wear? And if I were to get into competitive swimming, would the boobs I choose to wear affect how fast I swim? Would that be considered cheating?

    In all seriousness, I am thankful that the surgeon highlighted that a mastectomy is a real possibly. Not that I want one (the whole idea scares the crap out of me), but that I have a little more time to mentally prepare for it. When the diagnosis is in, and the treatment options are presented, I will be better prepared to make a decision. I at least will have had a chance to explore the options. It never would have occurred to me to search the Internet for breast prosthetics. My fear of being ‘lopsided’ does have some solutions – but frankly, given that I hate wearing bras, I’m still dealing with choosing between two bad options. Reconstruction means more surgery, more complicated surgery, and more healing time. No reconstruction means a life of prosthetics (at least for formal settings).

    On a related note, Scott and I went for a walk around Sausalito on Saturday. I notice that I was looking at other women’s breasts. I had never really taken notice of other women’s breast before – but now, I find myself drawn to them. I am looking. I’m not even sure what I’m thinking when I’m looking, but I am certainly finding myself drawn to look. It is all very odd. Perhaps I’m admiring? Perhaps window shopping? Who knows.

  • How do you prepare to lose a body part?

    When the surgeon told me that most likely I would need a mastectomy I did not really internalize what that meant. When a new friend mentioned that it was like an amputation, that in some ways helped me see the scope of the surgery.

    It becomes even more real when I think that this could happen soon. It will likely happen soon – like, within the next 2-3 weeks. By July, I will likely not have my left breast.

    One of the things I need to think about is reconstruction. The state law says that insurance companies must provide coverage for reconstructive surgery after a cancer surgery. So, I have the option. The decision needs to be made before the mastectomy as it affects how the surgery is done.

    One of my first thoughts when I heard mastectomy was that I did not want to be lopsided. I didn’t like the idea of having one breast – of course, this was before I found out that there might be another malignant tumor in my other breast. So, with that, I might actually end up with bilateral surgery. One thing that plays into my decision is that I HATE bras. So, wearing a prosthetic to make me look even doesn’t at all sound appealing to me.

    So, I can logically think about what I want, and how this might play out, but I cannot emotionally prepare. I have no idea even where to begin with the emotional side of this decision. How does one even begin to prepare to lose a body part?

    [Correction: The law pertaining to insurance companies covering the cost of breast reconstruction post breast cancer is actually a federal law – The Women’s Health and Cancer Rights Act of 1998]

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