BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: flat

  • My improved body image

    I find it interesting that ever since my diagnosis, I have found that I have an improved body image. Sure I am carrying a few more pounds than I would like, but I am proud of the way my body looks. I rocked the buzz cut! Now with my hair patchy and falling out, I find myself dressing up a lot more to go out. When I visit friends or go to doctors appointments, I wear nicer cloths and dangly earrings. I’m getting a bit obsessed about buying different things to wear on my head that (get this) actually compliment the clothes that I’m wearing. I’ve never been that fashion conscious before!

    But each day, I also read Facebook posts in the amazing Flat and Fabulous group about women who are afraid to walk outside their doors after surgery. They are constantly worried cautious about how they look. They fight every day with negative body images, and struggle because they don’t want ‘yet one more surgery’ to clean things up. Some live in physical pain, while others the pain is mostly emotional. They struggle every day.

    This worries me. I have never been happier with my body. So I’m worried about what it will look like after surgery, but also what the surgery will do to my sense of body image. I want to keep this feeling I have now. I don’t want it to ever go away. I want to always be proud of my body, and happy with my body the way it is.

    Since my diagnosis, and I started this blog, I’ve used the expression “my breasts are now public domain”. I talk freely about them. I have even posted an MRI picture of the cancers in my left breast. If I were back in Ottawa I would have asking all my girlfriends to feel my left breast, so that they too would know exactly what breast cancer ‘felt’ like (as part of my public service announcement). As an educator, I am now in a position to educate people about what it means to have breast cancer. But I have to highlight that I’m an exception to the rule. My self-confidence and my current body image is not the norm. For too many women this is an everyday struggle, and I find that sad. And everyday I hope that surgery doesn’t change my current view of my body image!

  • Bilateral Mastectomies

    A friend sent me an email with a recent article in the New York Times about the prevalence of bilateral mastectomies entitled “The Wrong Approach to Breast Cancer“.

    I read the article with much interest but also much distain. There are several issues that are not addressed in the article, but it also highlights some important trends and issues in breast cancer treatment. Let me start by sharing a couple of acronyms that will make this discussion easier – BMX stands for bilateral mastectomy, and PMX stands for prophylactic (i.e. preventative) mastectomy.

    I also need to point out that the discussion is not about women with be BRCA1/BRCA2 breast cancer genes. Some useful statistics: 12% of women in the general population develop breast cancer, of these, up to 5-10% (yes hazy statistic there) MAY have an abnormal BRCA gene. For this small percentage of women, the likelihood of breast (80%+) and ovarian (25%+) cancers is huge. Prophylactic surgery for these women brings peace of mind.

    The NYTimes article highlights that PMX is unnecessary as it does not improve survival rates. The article highlights the over-use of this choice. What the article doesn’t say is that one of the reasons so many women choose PMX is that they are sold on the ease of reconstruction. In the US, if a women has breast cancer, insurance is required to pay not only for treatments but also for reconstruction (I was told this at my very first surgical visit the DAY I was told I had cancer). A women from the UK commented that she was required to see a psychiatrist because she did not want reconstruction. The pressure to reconstruct is huge, but also, the way in which is it is sold is also misleading. The potential complications are understated.

    The NYTimes article talks about statistics but does not take into account mental health. The far majority of breast cancers occur in only one breast (I’m an oddity). In many cases, women have the first breast removed, but then choose the PMX for the second breast. In some cases this is because of fear of cancer returning, as stated in the article, but in other cases it is because the women have difficulty living lopsided. The lack of symmetry becomes a constant nagging reminder of the cancer. It can be too much for some women. There are many women who are very happy about their choice of PMX and reconstruction, and many women who are happy about their choice for PMX and no reconstruction. What concerns me about this article is that it research stated like this gives insurance companies a reason to NOT do the surgery, when it may be in the best interest of the individual. Mental health and quality of live after surgery are two variables that are not considered.

    I’m concerned for women who have PMX because they are sold on the ease of reconstruction, but I’m also concerned about potentially denying PMX for women whose quality of life will be significantly improved by it.

    My personal case is different. I don’t qualify as a statistic in most studies because the nature of bilateral disease is not understood, but also because it is not very common. I have multi-focal cancers in my left breast (two tumors in different parts of the breast – the first is the one I felt (invasive ductal carcinoma, IDC grade 3 about 4cm), the second is DCIS (stage 0 non-invasive). In my right breast I have about a 2cm mass IDC grade 2 (it could not be felt and was found by a very good radiologist). So for some unknown reason my body suddenly started to grow breast cancer – and it did it quickly in multiple places. For me, the right choice is a BMX. It is not prophylactic, as I am not doing it to prevent a cancer from occurring. The cancer is already there.

    I could have a lumpectomy to remove the three areas – but then I would need radiation treatments (I might still need them). I would need to have mammograms and maybe even breast MRIs every 6 months for the rest of my life. I would need to go through biopsies every time they found something suspicious, and any shadow would be considered suspicious because of my history. I would also be so very oddly deformed, with both breasts being different sizes and shapes. I would have a constant battle with body image. For me, this would lead to a terrible quality of life. I don’t want to live having to constantly worry about how I looked or when the next doctors appointment would be. It is bad enough to go through that during active treatment, I don’t want that to be my life after treatment.

    I love the idea of being flat and having choices. What I hope for most is that my breast surgeon does a good job and I have nice clean scars. Then I can choose to wear foobs if I want an outfit to look a certain way, but I can also choose to not wear anything on a hot sunny day. I love the idea of a bra free life! To be honest, I rarely wear one now – but I’m finding that with all the insults to my breasts (biopsies and chemo) that I need to start wearing one more often, as they need to be supported.

    What I really want to say about the NY Times article is that breast cancer treatment is an individual choice. Statistics can be useful in helping us make a choice, but the right choice is an individual one. For some women a PBX is the right choice, even if there is no statistical advantage to it, for others it is not. I get a bit insulted when the article assumes that women are making choices that are “not truly necessary” and assume that the doctor knows best, when the doctor isn’t the one having to live with the decision.

  • Seriousness is sinking in

    I’m starting to shed my hair. I noticed at first when I use the toilet, and then again when I dried my hair after the shower – seeing enough bits of hair in the towel that I had to throw it in the wash!

    At Wednesday’s oncologist appointment, when I asked about surgery timing, specifying my desire to spend a week in Hawaii before surgery, the point was made not to push it too late. There is enough time for that week, but I should not plan on pushing surgery out 2-3 months. The comment was in the lines of “we’ve done all this chemo, don’t waste it”. This cancer won’t be killed that easily – even if the masses shrink to smaller sizes they need to be removed.

    Yesterday, I got a short synopsis of the pathology of the third mass (the small one in my left breast). It is DCIS PR/HR+,HER2- with a small Ki-67 (<5%). This is sometimes called pre-cancerous or cancer in the duct itself, as it has not yet spread to the surrounding breast tissue. DCIS has a high likelihood of turning into IDC (which my other two masses are). So this is my magic number three cancer.

    I say magic number three because that seems to be my meditation number. When I took swimming lessons last fall, the instructor has me breath after every three strokes. Ever since then, three seemed to be a better number for me for meditating. When I do yoga, I hold poses for three breaths, and when I try to calm my nerves to sleep I count my breathes 1-2-3 and then repeat. So three seems to be my number.

    So, now that I have three cancers, it can stop there! No need to go any further!

    My plan for a triathlon before surgery will likely need to be reschedule until after surgery. The window won’t be long enough for me to manage it and Hawaii at the same time – and Hawaii is definitely something I plan to do (Maui more specifically – easy to get to from here and an easy island to get around).

    I do, however, have a new plan for after surgery. One of the wonderful ladies on the Flat and Fabulous Facebook group has inspired me to aim to trapeze at Club Med Cancun in the fall of 2015. I want to be fully recovered from surgery such that I can do something so crazy as swing from a trapeze – plus they have sailing and kayaking too … some nice serious activities that require upper body strength.

    I am finding this process of hurdles not dissimilar to doing a PhD. At each phase there are additional hurdles to overcome. One bit of advice we are given in the PhD is to celebrate each hurdle as you complete it. My first hurdle is AC chemo. I’ve done two treatments, so one could say 1/2 way, but that would not be fair … as I still need to recover from this second treatment before I can truthfully call it done!

    I am happy that I am starting to get some productive days back. My life isn’t all about cancer anymore. I am re-emerging into my academic life, trying to pull together as much as I can to make a dissertation out of my existing thesis project. I have a couple of things that need to happen in the fall that hopefully I can make happen. If they do, then I shall have enough data to turn it into something. I have learned a lot, and do have a lot to share – I just need close it off and put it all together.

    So with the seriousness of this disease sinking in, what is also sinking in is my need to focus on the future – and on what comes afterwards (or at least what I’m going to do with the next year and a half that doesn’t involve chemo and cancer surgery).

  • Breast surgery

    I am coming to appreciate the roles of the different surgeons. I have not yet met with a plastic surgeon (PS), but will probably set that appointment up in the next few weeks just to get the conversation started. With breast cancer in the US, you are usually dealing with at least two surgeries. The first surgery is done by the breast surgeon (BS). This surgeon specializes in removing the cancer. You can have either a mastectomy (where they remove the entire breast) or a lumpectomy (where they just remove the cancer). That is an overly simplified explanation – as both surgeries depend on what you plan to do after – that is the reconstruction or no reconstruction. The two surgeons work together to help give you the look you want post-surgery. Some of the choices your breast surgeon makes depends directly on what you want the final outcome to be.

    So, it occurs to me after looking at several pictures of not too nice results post mastectomy/lumpectomy surgery, that I want a plastic surgeon that has experience doing trans female-male top surgery. You see, if the plastic surgeon knows how to do trans surgery well, then they would appreciate the importance of appearance. And if they have experience with female-male trans surgery then they would get what it means to be flat. I’m surprise to realize that appearance matters to me. I want to look good naked … I’m OK with being flat – not having breasts – so I don’t think reconstruction makes sense for me (at least that is my current thinking) – but I do want to look good naked. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and be proud of what I see (rather than sad). I’ve been warned never to look down … the downward view of your breasts is the view the only you see, and it will never be the same … everyone else sees the outward view!

    One thing that I find very interesting in this process is that I have a greatly improved body image. I would not have expected that result. I’m a lot less vain now – and a lot less worried about my other lumps and bumps – but I do want to be able to go topless. I don’t want to have to feel like I need to cover up because I have odd disfigured lumps and bumps where my breasts used to be.

    I’m reminded of my early days when one breast started growing before the other (midway through grade six if I recall correctly). I found myself wearing training bras because I did not want to look lopsided – I always used one of the stalls to change in PE class, cause I didn’t want the other girls to notice that I was lopsided. Now, I find myself wanting to be the poster child for women with mastectomy who choose not to reconstruct – I want to model swim suits for real women. A few months ago, I supported a Kickstarter campaign for Nettle’s Tale swimwear. I bought a swimsuit but never got around to sending them my sizing information (couldn’t find the measuring tape in my Ottawa apartment). After diagnose I reached out to the folks at Nettles Tale as I cannot give measurements now and I’m also not sure whether the suit I picked will work!  I threw out the idea to the folks at Nettle’s Tale swimwear of modeling for them as they are hoping to come out with a new line of swimsuits that support prosthetic boobs. They were excited about the idea, but of course nothing is planned yet (I don’t live in Vancouver, which poses a challenge, but also it will be a year before I’d be ready anyways) – but I thought I’d share that I am serious when I say that I want to be a swimsuit model when this is all done!

    I learned a new word the other day – foobs – which is short for fake boobs. I had heard falsies before, but foobs was new to me. Today I learned that the best place to buy a variety of foobs is eBay. Buying new can be rather expensive (eventually I’ll need to see what my insurance will cover). Since both the breast cancer and the trans community use them, there is a market for lightly used foobs. You learn something new every day!

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