BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: depression

  • Feeling strong

    I am surprised by how all of sudden my strength returns. Where only a week ago I could only swim 7 laps in the pool, I’m now swimming 30 and the only reason I stopped was because I had too many other errands to do.

    It seems that with each AC cycle the down days after neulasta are longer, but when my strength does return, I’m stronger than I’ve been before. In cycle three, I walked farther (10km on day 2), cycled farther (36km on day 10), and swam farther (we actually I swam this distance in cycle 2 as well 1200m) – than I had before chemo started.

    As I’ve discussed in my last post, I’m also struggling with increasing signs of depression – worsening with each cycle. This in part is related to not have access to my coping mechanisms (exercise) for the longer stretches each cycle. In part because the reality of having breast cancer is sinking in (denial is becoming less and less active in my brain), and a lack of knowing what will come next. Relating to exercise, each added day when I cannot get in a long workout, my stress and anxiety build. I’ll be working with the folks at onc-pysch on developing additional coping strategies, but will also be changing some medications to something new, where the side effects are actual effects that align well with counter-acting the effects of chemo (drowsiness, anti-neasea, and increase appetite). The new meds should also help deal with some of the ‘chemo-pause’ side effects (night hot flashes). We shall see how it all works – but for the next two or three days, I should be feeling strong – and will try to enjoy it while it lasts.

    When I was up at Stanford yesterday, I visited my tree. I wish pictures could capture the scent of the eucalyptus.
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    I’m not nearly as good at taking pictures near myself near the tree – but here I am sporting the new cap Maha sent me from Egypt 🙂

     

     

  • #thisiswhatdepressionlookslike

    This post has been inspired by a mix of things, not the least of which is how I am feeling at the moment. With the recent passing of Robin Williams, my Facebook and Twitter feeds have been filled with tributes but also warnings about depression. One of the Unitarian Ministers on my Facebook feed (yes I have several Unitarian Minister friends) posted a challenge to share pictures for people who suffer (or have suffered) from depression, as it helps to show the faces of depression. So, I took this picture today while I was out on my bike ride. One of the reasons I ride is to fight depression, but the fight is becoming more difficult.

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    I feel the need to write more about depression. The latest news regarding Robin William’s death just crossed my social media stream – that he had early onset Parkinson’s makes it seem that much closer to home.

    Yesterday represented a transition (last night really) – from control to loss of control. I took the above picture in the middle of my ride. I cried for most of the first 30km. It wasn’t until that point that I finally found myself back in control. I wasn’t sure the ride was going to work this time!

    Fortunately, when I felt the early signs, I began to reach out, and will have my first appointment with the oncology-psychiatrist tomorrow. It seems that at about the same time I reached out (about two weeks ago), Stanford opened a new oncology-psychiatry clinic. I will be one of the first patients!

    This is not my first bout with depression. I suffered from depression for about two years (2003-2005). Within the span of a year I (1) was laid off from my career at Nortel, (2) got married, (3) bought a house, (4) started a consulting career, (5) started grad school. By spring 2003 things were looking pretty good in my life, and yet I had difficulty getting out of bed in the morning. I was sleeping in excess of 10 hours a day, and I had no motivation. I wasn’t sad, I wasn’t anemic, I just wasn’t motivated to do anything. For me, depression appeared as a lack of motivation rather than sadness.

    On my bike ride today, I reflected on what I had learned about my earlier depression. First of all, I know which drugs worked! But more, I know that what threw me off balance was uncertainty in my life. Losing my job was not a bad thing, but not knowing what I’d do next was a challenge. Relaunching a career wasn’t a bad thing either, but there was just too many of life’s big changes happening to me in too short a period of time. My brain couldn’t keep up.

    This time it is definitely about uncertainty, although my mom also pointed out the issue with ‘chemo-pause’ as a contributing factor. One of the side effects of the chemo drugs is a temporary an onset of menopause (young warriors call it ‘chemo-pause’). In addition to the whole uncertainty associated with having cancer, I’m also dealing with emotions that may be enhanced by ‘chemo-pause’.  I’m thankful that there are now people at Stanford that understand the combination of factors involved.

    For those reading this who are also in treatment Stanford, if you are having any concerns (even mild concerns) with anxiety or depression, I urge you to ask for a referral to the new clinic. They have been fighting for three years to get it established. I’m grateful that it came to be just in time for me. Referrals do take time, and medications also take time to be effective, so don’t wait until it is really bad before asking for help.

    There is no certainty with cancer. Treatment is physically tough and the long road after treatment is emotionally and mentally tough. Be assured that I am well enough to know to ask for help when I need it.

  • The transformative power of a bike ride

    One of the hardest things I’ve done lately, was to get out of bed after my afternoon nap, and get on my bike. It wasn’t that I didn’t have the energy for it – I did. I’m in a strong phase right now. It was that I was sad. And not the type of sad that happens when I have a needed breakdown, but the kind of sad that looks a lot like depression – and that scares me.

    So, I dragged my ass out of bed and had a bowl of ice cream. I’m allowed comfort foods whenever I want them! And when you are sad, they help a little … plus I knew I would need the energy, cause if I was going to get off my ass and go for a bike ride I needed to ensure my body was fueled before I left.

    So, I did it. I got changed and hopped on my road bike. For the first half hour of riding, I cried. My nose ran – most annoying side effect of chemo hair loss is that you lose the hair in your nose so your nose runs a lot sooner when you cry. I allowed myself to cry. I contemplated anti-depressant medication. I know that at some point I will probably need it, but I want to avoid it if I can. There are side effects to that as well.

    About a half hour into my ride something changed – the endorphins kicked in – I suddenly started to see the beauty around me. I stopped to take this picture as the bird seem to be posing just for me.

    2014-07-30 19.10.26 HDRThe bike ride transformed me – from sad-Becky back into warrior-Becky. For the remainder of the ride I worked out the important arguments in a letter to the Editor for the New York Times relating to my recent blog post on bilateral mastectomies, that I plan to write (hopefully later this evening). Thank-you for those who have encouraged me to write something more formal.

    I cannot say that I am no longer sad – I am just not dysfunctionally sad. I’ve moved past that part and can now start to pull my thoughts back together into actions. I hope to get out for another ride first thing tomorrow morning before it gets hot and sunny (since I cannot swim tomorrow due to low blood counts).

  • Doing Better

    Thank-you everyone for your support during my meltdown phase. I know that I shall have more meltdowns, as they are a natural part of this process. I was actually getting concerned that I had not had one. They are like earthquakes, if you don’t have smaller ones for a while, you end up with a big one. I had a small meltdown during the first chemo treatment, but it wasn’t the ‘big one’ that I knew I had coming. Sunday night was much more of a big meltdown.

    I’m highly aware of my emotional state and generally doing what I can to avoid depression. I know that depression is often a ‘normal’ part of a cancer diagnosis. I’ve suffered from depression before, so I know what it feels like, but also, have a sense of when I need to ask for help (or at least I think I do). I know that if I don’t re-bound, then I need to consider anti-depressants – but I’m hoping to avoid that. Shorts bouts of meltdown and crying are OK and even healthy – but if I cannot recover from them, then I know I need help. I will try to avoid anti-depressant medication if I can, but if I feel the need I’m also not opposed to taking it. It just adds one more thing to my list, and unlike most of my current medications, anti-depressants are not “as needed”, rather they require a regular regime with severe side effects for missed / late doses.

    After dropping Scott off at the airport for his business trip yesterday morning, Mom and I went for a nice drive along the California coast (Pacifica to Half Moon Bay), stopped for lunch at the Ritz Carleton Half Moon Bay (a bit disappointing, so we won’t repeat that but it was still a nice visit with Mom), and then home along Skyline Boulevard (top of the Santa Cruz Mountain Range). It was nice to take a day off and do some touristy type stuff.

    Today I have a dermatologist appointment (follow up from the emergency visit the other day). I’m happy to report that after a day of treatment with creams, my hands are almost completely recovered, with barely a sign of the initial blisters!

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    With the improvements, I’m going to go for a short bike ride this morning. I’m NOT going to overdo it. I will take out my recumbent so there is little pressure on my hands. I need the cardio in order to stay sane.

    I should be on my “low” right now from a blood count level. I don’t actually feel that tired – I’m actually feeling remarkably well. I’m waiting for the ‘brick to drop’ in that some people experience bone pain when the chemo wears off and the neulesta (white blood cell booster) suddenly kicks in. So far, crossing fingers, I’m good.

     

  • Meltdown

    Last night I allowed myself to go down an emotional spiral into an all out meltdown. I was already feeling a little sad and then took an MJ pill, and started reading the book Wild. The first several chapters of the book go through the authors feelings as she supports her mother’s sudden death from Lung Cancer (she died three months after diagnosis). The combination was NOT good given how I was already feeling sad.

    I started feeling a little ‘out-of-body’ (that’d be the MJ), which made me feel like ‘this is not me’. I also started feeling really sad – mostly what was replaying in my mind was Scott watching me get sick and die – and I did not want that for him. The emotions were rather extreme. This is really the first time I had allowed myself to think about the option of myself as dieing.

    I also found myself afraid. I don’t want to feel sick. I’m afraid about how the blood low will make me feel. I am still struggling with nausea – although I have good meds to keep that at bay. I was hoping to ween off of them, but that doesn’t seem to be working yet.

    I am having trouble visualizing my next infusion. It will require remarkable strength to go in a second time. The first time I could go in with curiosity. I did not know how I would react. Next time, I’m going in knowing that I will have crummy days. I also go in with the knowledge that it is cumulative – so I will feel worse.

    I also had trouble last night visualizing getting my head shaved. I have an appointment to do this on Thursday but suddenly the idea freaks me out. I have no real attachment to my hair – but suddenly I know that people know visually that I have cancer. I will ‘look’ the part.  I cannot see myself as I will look walking out of the salon. I realized that I need to decide what I’m going to wear on my head when I leave … I need to pick a scarf …

    So last night, I wasn’t feeling all that strong. I was just feeling sad. I’m highly aware of the effects of depression on my mind – and for the first time I felt that depression. I don’t think I’ll be trying out the MJ anytime again soon (or at least not when I am already feeling sad) – as I don’t need anything that heightens depressing thoughts – I need to stay strong and positive.

    Fortunately, I am feeling better this morning. I’m now feeling the low that I was afraid I would be feeling. I was a little dehydrated – didn’t drink enough yesterday – which I shall work harder on resolving today. The nurse in ER on Saturday recommended pedialyte power – which actually tastes better than gatorade (she found me some samples) – but it is expensive ($1 per package – and I could drink 2-3 per day) … so will try it out on especially bad days (and chemo days) and see if I can score myself free samples somewhere in the cancer center when I’m at Stanford.

     

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