BC Becky

Never thought I'd want to be a breast cancer survivor

Tag: Body changes

  • Who would have thought … I look sexy in a buzz cut!

    Today was the trip to the really nice lady who volunteers to shave heads for those who are going through chemotherapy. We decided we needed a before picture – as Scott was also going to get his head shaved (in part in solidarity, but more because he needed a haircut).
    Photo Jul 17, 11 30 37 AMAs she shaved my head, I was pleasantly surprised by the result. I actually look pretty good with a buzz cut. 
     Photo Jul 17, 11 54 07 AM Photo Jul 17, 11 54 19 AM

    Afterwards, Mom and I went shopping. I started out wearing the head scarf but soon found myself feeling just fine without it. I was especially amused with the feel of the wind on my head with the windows open in the car (usually it drives me nuts to have the windows open as my hair flies everywhere). Then I discovered my shadow, which is very odd looking and still catches me by surprise.

    2014-07-17 15.12.14

    There are so many new sensations – it is amazing. Even a task as simple at putting on a t-shirt feels completely different. I’m looking forward to tomorrow mornings swim and shower!

    Now I just need to get a few nice pairs of dangly earrings (I welcome donations/gifts). I don’t normally wear earrings, but long dangly earrings suddenly help me dress up nice. I was never really big on fashion, and now I find myself buying a bunch of nice clothes so I have something fancy to wear to various appointments and meetings.

    Definitely feeling good today 🙂

  • Meltdown

    Last night I allowed myself to go down an emotional spiral into an all out meltdown. I was already feeling a little sad and then took an MJ pill, and started reading the book Wild. The first several chapters of the book go through the authors feelings as she supports her mother’s sudden death from Lung Cancer (she died three months after diagnosis). The combination was NOT good given how I was already feeling sad.

    I started feeling a little ‘out-of-body’ (that’d be the MJ), which made me feel like ‘this is not me’. I also started feeling really sad – mostly what was replaying in my mind was Scott watching me get sick and die – and I did not want that for him. The emotions were rather extreme. This is really the first time I had allowed myself to think about the option of myself as dieing.

    I also found myself afraid. I don’t want to feel sick. I’m afraid about how the blood low will make me feel. I am still struggling with nausea – although I have good meds to keep that at bay. I was hoping to ween off of them, but that doesn’t seem to be working yet.

    I am having trouble visualizing my next infusion. It will require remarkable strength to go in a second time. The first time I could go in with curiosity. I did not know how I would react. Next time, I’m going in knowing that I will have crummy days. I also go in with the knowledge that it is cumulative – so I will feel worse.

    I also had trouble last night visualizing getting my head shaved. I have an appointment to do this on Thursday but suddenly the idea freaks me out. I have no real attachment to my hair – but suddenly I know that people know visually that I have cancer. I will ‘look’ the part.  I cannot see myself as I will look walking out of the salon. I realized that I need to decide what I’m going to wear on my head when I leave … I need to pick a scarf …

    So last night, I wasn’t feeling all that strong. I was just feeling sad. I’m highly aware of the effects of depression on my mind – and for the first time I felt that depression. I don’t think I’ll be trying out the MJ anytime again soon (or at least not when I am already feeling sad) – as I don’t need anything that heightens depressing thoughts – I need to stay strong and positive.

    Fortunately, I am feeling better this morning. I’m now feeling the low that I was afraid I would be feeling. I was a little dehydrated – didn’t drink enough yesterday – which I shall work harder on resolving today. The nurse in ER on Saturday recommended pedialyte power – which actually tastes better than gatorade (she found me some samples) – but it is expensive ($1 per package – and I could drink 2-3 per day) … so will try it out on especially bad days (and chemo days) and see if I can score myself free samples somewhere in the cancer center when I’m at Stanford.

     

  • How do you prepare to lose a body part?

    When the surgeon told me that most likely I would need a mastectomy I did not really internalize what that meant. When a new friend mentioned that it was like an amputation, that in some ways helped me see the scope of the surgery.

    It becomes even more real when I think that this could happen soon. It will likely happen soon – like, within the next 2-3 weeks. By July, I will likely not have my left breast.

    One of the things I need to think about is reconstruction. The state law says that insurance companies must provide coverage for reconstructive surgery after a cancer surgery. So, I have the option. The decision needs to be made before the mastectomy as it affects how the surgery is done.

    One of my first thoughts when I heard mastectomy was that I did not want to be lopsided. I didn’t like the idea of having one breast – of course, this was before I found out that there might be another malignant tumor in my other breast. So, with that, I might actually end up with bilateral surgery. One thing that plays into my decision is that I HATE bras. So, wearing a prosthetic to make me look even doesn’t at all sound appealing to me.

    So, I can logically think about what I want, and how this might play out, but I cannot emotionally prepare. I have no idea even where to begin with the emotional side of this decision. How does one even begin to prepare to lose a body part?

    [Correction: The law pertaining to insurance companies covering the cost of breast reconstruction post breast cancer is actually a federal law – The Women’s Health and Cancer Rights Act of 1998]

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