Category: Three years and counting

I thought I would share my mantra with everyone here. Anytime I get a new ache or pain, I repeat to myself “In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”.

This really helps when I am going for a scan or a doctors appointment that is triggering anxiety.

Currently I’m OK. I have some new lower back pain, so I’m getting an MRI to rule out anything – but I don’t think it is anything other than arthritis acting up. My first reaction to a new ache or pain is to think of a non-cancer reason for it, because more than likely there is a non-cancer reason for it. Then when that little voice inside says, “but maybe it is …”  I repeat to myself “In the absence of a diagnosis, I am healthy”.

I realized the other day that one of the things I’m struggling with right now is self-confidence. After cancer, I had a don’t care attitude that allowed me to not worry about things. That gave me a confidence and strength to tackle things. Over the last year, I’ve lost that.

I realize now that I need to get it back. I need to peel away the impostor syndrome and regain my sense of knowing what I know, but also knowing that I will never be the expert on everything – that I will always be able to learn from others, but that learning from others doesn’t take away from the expertise that I also have.

It is a weird sense, but I need to remind myself that I should not care so much about what I think others think of me, rather, I should just be me and share what I know with a sense of self-confidence, because what I do know adds value to the conversation.

It is weird, but this term, listening to the background of all my students, it is intimidating. I worry that they will think that I don’t know what I’m doing – or that I don’t know much – and then I realize, this is exactly the type of thought patterns that I do not need. My job and passion is to design and to teach. I can share what I know, with the understanding that everyone has different perspectives and we all have something to share. I don’t need to be the expert in everything – but also that I do bring value to the table.

And so, I need to stop worrying about what others think of me. This is something that I was able to do easily after cancer, and it is something that made me a better teacher. Now that I realize that what was sneaking up on me was my old sense of impostor syndrome, that I can now put that aside and get back to being the teacher that I am.

I have been reflecting on the alternative CV activity in the Equity Unbound course for over a week now.

I tried to do something visual, but that just wasn’t working for me.

I found myself asking, what are my values? Or, what am I most proud of? Right now that answer is that I was seen as a good caregiver and a good friend. Those mean the world to me. So much more than any academic credential.

I’m trying to figure out how to look forward, and figure out what I want my new CV to look like. I’m still working on self-care, after a traumatic 5-months of caregiving.

Another blog that I follow, asked the question What is your greatest strength? I too have been thinking of this. What comes to my mind immediately is cooking. Again a form of hospitality, a form of caregiving.

Now, for the alternative CV, I want to link those values to what I do – which is teach. I see now that is an important part of my teaching practice is hospitality. It is making students who are nervous or uncertain feel comfortable, and then building up their self-confidence. When they leave my class, I feel like I have succeeded if they leave with a sense of pride and amazement of what they achieved. It is they that did it, not me. I simply gave them the opportunity to demonstrate their potential. I love that.

I’m still figuring out what I’m going to do with my life now, but I’m moving forward. I’m working on some self-care. I’m teaching again and loving it. It still feels like every day I’m lifting sandbags, but with each day the bags are getting lighter, and I’m moving just a little bit faster.

Perhaps, that is my greatest strength – tenacity. Sometimes progress is slow and frustrating, but I keep going – and with that, I’m headed out for a hike

I’m at a loss for what to do with myself, or more, how I should be thinking.

I’m working, preparing my courses which start the week after next. That is keeping me busy.

When she allows it, I spend time with my best friend. I say that, because she has become overwhelmed with people wanting to see her, and she had been so sick that she needed someone around 24hrs a day that she didn’t get any alone time. Now that she is feeling a little better (yay to that), she is healthy enough to be alone at least for a few hours a day.

My PhD is on hold, which is a good thing. Although I did find myself sort of writing  my discussion chapter in my head as I was hiking the other day – hiking alone. Allowing myself to gather my own thoughts.

I am still dealing with various aspects of mom’s estate. One of my Aunt reflected on how being executor made it a lot more difficult for her to grieve. That her duties meant that she couldn’t let go or move on.

I have missed the summer here – having spent most of it up in Ottawa. The temperatures here now are a clear indication that fall has arrived (highs mid 20s, lows in the low teens). The weather is actually pretty perfect right now.

Scott and I did decide to try out an adventure. We are doing a Mountain Bike tour up in Marin – where Mountain Bikes were invented – on Monday (hopefully – we are awaiting confirmation).

I just feel like I’m going through the motions but not having any emotions about it. No sadness but also no passion.

I’m finding writing difficult – blogging difficult. I know I need to write something for my academic / professional blog but really I don’t know what to write about. Even this post is a little lost – as I don’t have complete thoughts about it – but I do feel the need to write something, just to get that writing muscle back into shape.

And so, I’m hoping that one day soon, I shall be found … but I’m not expecting that to happen in the next month … I’m hoping it happens before I’m expected to finish off my PhD in January!

I went to a yoga class on Sunday and one thing that the instructor mentioned was that one of the practices of yoga is to let go of your ego. That really struck a cord with me, as I often worry about whether or not I’m able to do a particular yoga class. I worry about whether I will look weak or dumb. I know that I should not compare myself to others in the room, but I cannot help but doing it. And that is why the idea of letting go of my ego really helped. It helped remind me that everyone in the room is in a different place, dealing with a different body. No one is judging me except myself (or if they are judging me, who cares? that is their problem not mine).

And with that, I decided to go to a Body Flow class today. Sunday’s yoga class was a 90-minute Yin yoga class, which involved a lot of stretch poses that were held for long duration. It was a great class to ease into, and helped lose up my way too tight back. Body flow as a class that I used to find too easy. I used to find that it wasn’t really a workout – is we just a chance to stretch. That was 10 or so years ago. Not so much now. The class kicked my ass. However, I did it. I survived the entire class. I did what I could, and I didn’t watch others. I practiced the letting go of my ego, but also not comparing myself to others (which is one way in which I express my ego). I watched the instructor and I did what I could – often looking at myself in the mirror (although it was often better if I didn’t see myself!).

I’ll wait and see how I’m feeling tomorrow before I decide if I’m going back to that class. What was nice was that the room wasn’t too crowded. If I had the energy in me, I would have gone swimming afterwards, as the timing allows for lap swim before the end of word day crowds. However, today, swimming wasn’t in the cards. The class was more than enough for me.

I’m trying to figure out how to process all that is happening in my life right now. I feel like I am surrounded by death. Someone I knew from support group died a couple days ago. I did not know her well, but I did know her. I remember her energy and smile from the retreat we did in February. She was well then. It reminds me of just how quick things can change. Someone can be doing relatively well on a treatment, and then the treatment stops working and the person gets sick really quickly.

I feel like all this death is tell me that I should be doing something – and has me questioning what that something should be. I know that I make a difference on an individual level – in that I help individual people – but I don’t know what I should do on the grander level. Is making an individual difference enough for me?

I feel like I need to do more bucket list things. I don’t want to die having money in the bank having not done the things that I want to do because I’m saving for a future that I might not have. We did our Going East bike trip because we knew that it was “now or never”, waiting for retirement was not a good idea. When I was diagnosed, I was so thankful that we had done that trip, as even now it is no longer possible.

Work on embodied cognition claims that the human mind does not learn by storing generalizations and abstractions. It learns via experience. Human long-term memory is nearly limitless and humans store the experiences they have had in their minds. They then use these experiences to prepare for future action. They do this by consulting their previous experiences to see if any are good guides for how to act and think in the new situation. (Gee, 2014, p.76-77)

The idea of learning as experiences also has me wanting to have more experiences. This goes back to the bucket list, and feeling the need to have more experiences. But I’m not sure what those experiences should be. All of life is an experience. I feel the need to remember to live it, as that is the only way I will get over the grief associated with loss.

I’m still processing this … trying to figure it all out …

Reference

Gee, James P. Literacy and Education. Routledge, 2014. VitalBook file.