Category: Six years and counting

I was asked the other day about when I first learned about residential schools. At the time, I didn’t recall exactly when, but I’m pretty sure it was at a conference I went to while I was in grade 11 or 12. That would be the late 80s.

Back in the 80s there was a huge program to try to stop people from drinking and driving. In our high school, we had a “Counter Attack” club – Counter Attack was a public awareness and enforcement program to stop drinking and driving. It was not uncommon when driving at night to come to an intersection where all vehicles were stopped and all drivers were screened for alcohol use. In British Columbia it is part of the Counter Attack program. In Ontario, they call it R.I.D.E. Anyways, that is the point of this post. The important thing is that I was in this club and I went to conference in Terrance – we even stayed over in a hotel for the night. It was probably my first ever conference.

One of the concurrent sessions at the conference was called the Alkali Lake Experience. I knew nothing about it at the time, but to this day I remember the session and the story. I won’t retell the story, as it isn’t mine to tell – rather I shared a link as I was able to find a case study of it on the Internet. It was interesting to also hear a little more about what happened 10 and 20 years later.

I think that it was there where I first learned of residential schools and the impact they had on communities. I wasn’t old enough to really get it. The story I learned was about alcoholism and recovery. I learned nothing of the sexual abuse.

When I hear about the abuse I am reminded about something one of the girls in my dorm said to me – this would have been first year university, so only a year or two later. She was studying early childhood development. She had learned that molestation was part of traditional indigenous cultures. She was asking ‘is it wrong if it is part of the culture?’. I am disturbed even thinking about it – but I also am wondering where the idea came from. Was it the legacy of the residential schools that brought the whole idea of molestation into the community?

Someone said to me the other day that Canada as a whole was reckoning with its past. This Canada Day was definitely different that those of the past. This is a time of reflection and hopefully a time of reconciliation and healing.

Canada Day is also the day my mother died. It has been three years since she passed. She is missed every day. I find that I sometimes think about telling her all about the things that we are doing at Treehouse. She died as we were heading over to my Aunt’s house for backyard fireworks. Ever since then, when I see fireworks I think of mom. That year, the fireworks were in her honour. I felt a connection when the Calgary Mayor “Instead of celebrating the anniversary of confederation, Mayor Naheed Nenshi said the fireworks will mark the loss of thousands of Indigenous children to Canada’s residential school system.”

So for me, fireworks will always be a recognition of loss.

Feature image by Ray Hennessy on Unsplash.

I’m struggling right now. I couldn’t completely figure out why – but looking at the calendar reminds me.

Part of my struggle is that with Cali recovering from her surgery, we cannot go out to the beach for a walk run. I’m missing that reflective time and the various laughs as she does something dorky.

I found a lot of odd feelings around Cali’s surgery – the spaying rather than the exploratory surgery which just had me scared. The spaying felt odd. I found myself reflecting on all the feelings and thoughts I went through in deciding to keep my ovaries. I debated it a lot, because my cancer was fed by estrogen. But I just couldn’t have them take away another body part – and especially another body part that is core to my identification as a female being. I had already lost my breasts. So, it was a weird feeling taking away Cali’s ovaries. I know, she is a dog. I’m having to remind myself of that! It is the responsible thing to do. It just feels weird.

Which reminds me, from my last post, I mentioned that the vet had said my puppy had appendicitis, but dog don’t have an appendix. I asked the vet, and he explained that they didn’t but that was the closest comparison. In essence, her tummy was all inflamed and angry on the inside.

And now that time of year hits me again. Facebook reminds me of various things – but really, it starts to sink in when I see the photo of Scott on his bike. The photo that I took on the bike ride after unpacking my last box. The bike ride after which I showered and first felt a hard spot on my left chest. That hard spot that led to a diagnosis of breast cancer. So ya, that chain of memories has started.

I’m hoping that is all that is happening – that it is just the memories of the time of year that is dragging me down. Hopefully, I’ll pop out of this funk soon. ugg.

Feature image by Eric Ward on Unsplash.

Today is vaccination day. I get my first Covid vaccine – Pfizer.

I’ve ask my oncologist about getting the vaccine in my arm. He says because it is IM (intramuscular) that the lack of a lymph node should not be an issue. Since I’ve had nodes out on both sides, I don’t have a ‘good’ arm per se. Since I’ve had lymphedema in my left arm, my right arm is the only option. That isn’t going to be fun.

I’m nervous but also am relieved to be getting the vaccine. If I were in the US, I’d already have it. I would be looking to whether I should be getting it in the glute rather than the arm – but really, if it causes muscle pain for a day or two, that might actually be worse.

I will probably go did out a compression sleeve and wear it for a day or two (if it doesn’t hurt or annoy me), just to help ensure that the lymph nodes don’t swell.

I do know that Pfizer can cause lymph nodes to swell a week or so after the vaccine, so I know not to panic if that happens. The timing won’t be ideal, as the swelling is apt to happen pretty darn close to the 7th anniversary of my diagnosis. How is that for a trigger event!

Feature image by Joshua Hoehne on Unsplash.

When the weather is nice, I like to get out for either a hike or a walk on the beach. With the ticks being a bit crazy right now, I’m favouring the beach – but at some point that is apt to change.

Today I decided to try out a new beach – Cherry Hill Beach. It is still in Lunenburg County so I am permitted to go there for exercise as part of the lock down (it is in the same County as I am in).

What keeps me entertained on these beach walks is playing fetch with Cali. For the most part she gets it, but every now and then she gets distracted and lets the ball roll away. Unfortunately, at the beach this means the ball rolls into the water. Fortunately, the tide was going out, so I was able to grab the ball by watching the waves and being strategic about when I went out to get it. Cali didn’t quite understand, so she would run out when it looked calm, but wouldn’t just grab the ball and run – she would dally a little, and then the next wave would scare her away. She still needs to figure that part out.

I’ve learned here that it is important to check the tides – as some of the beaches pretty much disappear at high tide. When you visit them at low tide you are rewarded with spectacular flat beaches and white sand.

I dipped my toes in the water – it is still much too cold to do any water sports. I’m told that it will warm up over the summer, and I recall the water near the LaHave Islands was swimming pool warm when I went kayaking there in September last year. I will just need to be patient and wait for the water to get warm. Until then, I’ll try not to be tempted to take my shoes off!

I am struggling a little with having my beach days feel like productive days – but I did manage some stuff in the morning before going to the beach. Taking Cali out for a decent walk is part of my daily to do list. We both appreciate it.

Of course, that means I feel like I need to be productive in the evening. I haven’t yet figured out how to wind down a little and not feel like I need to be working all the time. I’m sure that will change soon enough!

For now, my matra is “life is a beach…”, which shall I visit tomorrow?

I have been very impatient in my waiting for this term to finish. I have been working almost full time teaching for what feels like forever – but really is just 2 years – but that has been enough. I was starting to burn out. Several months ago, I had decided that I was not going to teach this summer. I needed the time off. I needed to recharge and get excited about teaching again.

So, now the semester is over. I have finished marking and I just submitted grades – so I’m now done until September – actually really sometime in August when I need to start putting together my fall courses. I’m also working on a new course for the spring – a course on coding for instructional designers. I’ve started work preparing for it and I’m quite enjoying it. It has been a while since I’ve had to put my computer science skills to use.

I do find that I am asking myself, now what? I no longer need to spend 1/2 of my days working on teaching stuff. I now have time, but I’m still not sure what to do with it.

Today I spent about an hour scraping paint off the bathroom wall. I had already stripped the wall paper, but there was a layer of paint underneath that was peeling in places. Before re-painting, I need to strip the existing paint, repair any holes, sand down my repairs, and then I can think about painting. I will most likely need to prime first, so that the paint stays nicely.

After that, I decided to take advantage of the beautiful day and go for a walk on the beach. I had been avoiding the beach because I thought the restrictions meant that I could not go there – as the beach is not in the Town of Bridgewater, which is my municipality. However, I have discovered that you are permitted to move within your county if you are going out for exercise – and there are many different beaches in my county (yay).

Tomorrow is also supposed to be a beautiful day, so I’ll need to figure out where I go for my walk (my walk with Cali). Hubby had his first Covid vaccine today Pfizer – so we will see how he is feeling tomorrow. I don’t get mine until Tuesday.

What do you like to do when you find yourself with time on your hands?

I have been negligent in writing for quite some time. Part of it is because every time I think I should write something I get writers block – I feel like I have nothing to say.

For the first time in over a year, my friends in California got together. They met outdoors at a local part for a hike. They wore masks the whole time – and yet, some were not yet comfortable enough to join in. I have no idea what I would think – but I’d likely be at least partially vaccinated at this point – because I’m privileged and I know how the system works. My connections to multi healthcare systems would have made it easier for me to access the vaccine. My health literacy would also have made it easier for me.

Here, privilege still plays a role, just not as much of one. Privilege means that immediately upon availability of appointments for my age group, I was able to go onto the computer, and wait my turn in the queue in order to book an appointment. I didn’t have work commitments preventing me from waiting on the first day the vaccines were available. However, I also know that within a couple of days anyone within my age range was able to get onto the system and book an appointment. Now, my appointment isn’t until early next week. Hubby got into the system just as they released more appointments, so he actually gets his vaccine tomorrow (he is in a younger age-range). But where we are, a few days isn’t going to make a huge difference. I’m just happy to be getting a vaccine soon. I’ll get to see how he reacts to it before I go through it, which could be good or bad!

It is a bit ironic that my friends are getting together at a time when we are in lock down. We spent most of last year able to visit friends within the province. We haven’t been able to go out of province, so have not yet visited family, but we could visit friends from within the province. We even had various people over for lunch on several occasions. That has been our privilege. Now we are in lock down. This is taken very seriously – which is how we were able to avoid the earlier outbreaks, but the variants spread so much faster, that they make even small gatherings a risk.

I miss being able to see my friends. They are still not able to hug, which is huge change in culture for our community – who often show support for one another or greet one another with a hug. But they are able to see each other in physical form, and that is a real blessing after this last year. I miss hiking with them.

I’ll add a layer of feelings associated with their hike. They chose to hike at Alum Rock park. This is where Lori and I hiked together all the time. I started hiking there on my own as I was recovering from my major surgery. From the lower (free) parking lot, I could follow a lovely path that had benches at just the right distances. It was a perfect place for me to slowly work up my endurance.

A couple of years later it was the go-to place for Lori and I. It was Lori’s favourite park. It was the park that was in her ‘backyard’ throughout her childhood. So many memories of her life were associated with hikes in that park. We talked about it all the time.

Seeing the photos of my friends hiking there now brings back so many nice memories. I can smell the trees – interestingly, I often wondered why people were hiking with chai tea? I’d smell it now and then on my hikes, always assuming that is what it was. It wasn’t the eucalyptus trees, as there scent was familiar. This was different. A few year later I learned that what I was smelling was actually the California Bay tree (I don’t recall ever seeing the nuts) – I even picked a few leaves on occasion as a substitute for the more traditional ‘bay leaf’ in recipes – but I found I didn’t like it as much. I did enjoy the scent of it while hiking. It is a smell that will always remind me of hiking in California, and more specifically on hiking along the west side of Alum Rock park.

My iPad also seems to know about these memories, as it has been showing me various selfies that Lori and I took on our hikes. I’m so very glad we started doing that when we did. Those are memories of such an important time in my life. Lori will forever be in my heart.

Funny, when I sat down to write this post I felt like I had nothing to say. But I do. I guess I should get back into the habit of writing something more often.

A year ago I decided to put aside my PhD – actually it was almost 14 months ago, before the Covid craziness started. After putting together a realistic project plan that showed that it would likely be another two years before I could finish it, I realized that I just wasn’t up for it. I had had enough. It was 10 years after I started, with two leaves of absence – I was done and ready to take control of my life back.

When I stopped, I had two projects in mind. A book or other publication associated with my PhD (and this blog), as well as a book associated with our Going East blog. A year later, I have not started either. I’ve been too busy with teaching and working on making Treehouse Village Ecohousing a reality (we are over 70% sold and start construction in a couple of months!)

Of course, there has also been managing Covid in the middle of that, an increased teaching load, and a move to Nova Scotia during a global pandemic. And now a new puppy, who is cute as a button but a ton of work. But really, how much of that is an excuse. If I really wanted to start, I could have started, but inertia is a difficult thing to overcome.

With the semester winding down, and not teaching this summer, I am finding that I have more time to think about it. I made the first baby step. I created a directory and after writing this blog post, I’m going to create a Scrivener project – actually I may create two, so I can flip between the two projects. They are very different in nature, and doing both will allow me to spend my energy on the one that is meeting my needs in that moment.

Moving to Nova Scotia has meant that I have not been living and breathing breast cancer. I actually go days without thinking about it. It is rarely top of mind. It has been a breath of fresh air, both literally and figuratively.

And now to take a deep breath and just start!

Feature image by Dayne Topkin on Unsplash.