Lost …

By | Sat September 1, 2018

I’m at a loss for what to do with myself, or more, how I should be thinking.

I’m working, preparing my courses which start the week after next. That is keeping me busy.

When she allows it, I spend time with my best friend. I say that, because she has become overwhelmed with people wanting to see her, and she had been so sick that she needed someone around 24hrs a day that she didn’t get any alone time. Now that she is feeling a little better (yay to that), she is healthy enough to be alone at least for a few hours a day.

My PhD is on hold, which is a good thing. Although I did find myself sort of writing  my discussion chapter in my head as I was hiking the other day – hiking alone. Allowing myself to gather my own thoughts.

I am still dealing with various aspects of mom’s estate. One of my Aunt reflected on how being executor made it a lot more difficult for her to grieve. That her duties meant that she couldn’t let go or move on.

I have missed the summer here – having spent most of it up in Ottawa. The temperatures here now are a clear indication that fall has arrived (highs mid 20s, lows in the low teens). The weather is actually pretty perfect right now.

Scott and I did decide to try out an adventure. We are doing a Mountain Bike tour up in Marin – where Mountain Bikes were invented – on Monday (hopefully – we are awaiting confirmation).

I just feel like I’m going through the motions but not having any emotions about it. No sadness but also no passion.

I’m finding writing difficult – blogging difficult. I know I need to write something for my academic / professional blog but really I don’t know what to write about. Even this post is a little lost – as I don’t have complete thoughts about it – but I do feel the need to write something, just to get that writing muscle back into shape.

And so, I’m hoping that one day soon, I shall be found … but I’m not expecting that to happen in the next month … I’m hoping it happens before I’m expected to finish off my PhD in January!

3 thoughts on “Lost …

  1. Marie Ennis O'Connor

    Aw Becky, sorry to hear you are feeling this way, but it’s perfectly normal reaction to grief — in fact if you weren’t reacting in this way, it would be more worrisome. Just keep being gentle with yourself and know that in your own time, you will be ready to pick up the pieces of your life again.. but it takes time.x

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  2. mytriplenegativelife

    So sorry to read that you are going through a difficult time. I can empathise a bit as my mother died last October. This past year has being a bit of a blur to be honest. I found that being with my family, talking, reminiscing, laughing and of course, crying helps! You are grieving and there is no fast remedy unfortunately. Best wishes, Catherine

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  3. nancyspoint

    Hi Becky,
    I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost, but as others have commented, this is normal when grieving. After my dad died, I felt so lost, sometimes I still do. During those early, rugged, raw days of grief you just limp along as best you can. Slowly, you start to pick up the pieces or more like rearrange them. For me, writing always helps, and I hope it helps you too. Thinking about you. And good luck with your PhD writing too.

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