As my health improves, I am struck by feelings of fear that the cancer has returned. It is a total juxtaposition – the idea that feeling healthy is a sign of sickness.
I discussed this with my therapist the other day. She commented to me that breast cancer, unlike many other cancers, creates this juxtaposition, because early stage breast cancer only appears in the breasts. Those who have it often don’t feel sick in any way. This is in part of why the diagnosis is such a shock when it comes – because you are not feeling sick.
Before treatment started, I blogged about how I felt stronger than ever, and as a results was associating the sickness with the treatment not the disease. I remember being angry about it. At the time, I didn’t see the other side of that coin – the association of wellness with the disease.
So now I’m working on the other side. I’m trying to allow myself to both feel well and not have cancer. I find myself wondering if my body is making up aches and pains so that I don’t have that wellness feeling that I had when I was diagnosed. That or I’m just remembering wrong. Maybe I did have body pains before cancer, and I don’t remember it because in my mind I was doing really well before cancer.
I do hope that some day this fades away.