Yesterday was a significant anniversary. It was a day of transitions in my life. It was my father’s birthday (belated Happy Birthday Dad). It was the 8th anniversary of the launch of our GoingEast journey around the world without airplanes. Two years ago today was the day I started chemotherapy.
July 7th has so much significance in my life and yet I missed it yesterday. I was so busy with meetings, and tired after an exhausting week at a long conference. I didn’t notice it was July 7th until 10pm at night when I glanced at the date. In some ways that is good – it means I’m moving on with my life.
I’ve been challenged by several people to look forward and ask myself where I want to go with this PhD. What do I want to do? What are my goals?
After the whole brain MRI thing, I am finding myself needing to find time for stability. I need to find a normal that doesn’t involve the crazy scares and feeling tired and like crap. This PhD time is a time for me to work on things and try to get back to a point where my health is stable enough for me to actually think about where I want to be in two years. I just am not there yet. I’m still picking up the pieces.
I do find it annoying (as do others with hormone positive breast cancer) that the hormone therapy phase is not considered active treatment. This causes a perception that it is easy – no big deal – and that you are healthy and ready to get back to life. Although this is true for some women, it isn’t for many. For me it has been a bit of a roller coaster. I get stable for a bit and then sudden I’m thrown for another loop. I climb back up on step at a time but then suddenly another drop – perhaps not as low as the previous – but it is back again.
I have moment of denial – where I look back and think about how this really isn’t happening to me. Denying the past as a way to reach for a future that doesn’t include constant doctors appointments, and disruptions to all the forward moving things I’m doing.
And as I type this I am just plain tired. I need to nap and relax for a bit. This has been a jam packed week and I need a little down time to process it all – but also a little time to just process nothing and recharge. And with that I shall sign off for today …