First I want to say ‘thanks for the hugs’. I received several emails and virtual hugs after my post yesterday. I really appreciate the support – and often when I get into one of my down moods, I just need a little encouragement.
I know that I tend to ‘catastrophize’ – that is, to imagine the worst possible scenario. I am especially prone to this type of thinking when I’m not feeling physically well. Pain or weakness make me more prone to catastrophising.
The first step to stopping is in part to recognize that it is happening. It wasn’t long after I posted “I’m scared” that I realized that I was ‘catastrophising’. My brain was stuck in a loop of ‘worse-case’ and not moving beyond that. Once I realized it was happening, I can then change my thinking. The reality is that although I’m feeling neuropathy and pain, it isn’t that bad. I have ways to manage it. The worst of it is limited to about 12-72 hours (depends on the cycle), and for the most part, things clear up before the next cycle. I’m not at a point where stopping Taxol is a real consideration – not yet anyways – and we’ll cross that bridge when we come to it.
I’ve now processed the things that I was worrying about. We can deal with the wrenches in the path when/if we need to…
It is important for me to write about my feelings when they are happening – even when they aren’t happy comfortable feelings. If I don’t write about my down days, I’m not being honest to the journey – but also, others who read my blog need to hear that down days are a normal part of this process too.
Today I’m doing better. Thanks for the hugs.